Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
Part 9: Overzealous Bigots Vs. Ninjas--It Would Be Awesome if the Fic's About That, No?
Welcome back. We're near the home stretch. As soon as this installment's done, we'll have one more to go. So how much worse can the fanfic get?
Find out after this recapping.
Previously, the search for the keys is on. Michael found a key on Ginny's exploded body and tries to befriend Harmony in the hopes of getting her key. As for Ebony, she collected two: Harry's and Ron's.
So let's dive right back in with...
We get the conversation between Jesus and Thomas.
Jesus Christ: So what have you offer us today, my son?
Thomas Brown: Some very amazing. Three keys have been found so we are near to the end sadly. But fear not, I will write another fan-fiction named Kingdom Under Shadow, and a sequel to The Evil God.
Jesus Christ: I will be delighted to read that. What else have you to say?
Thomas Brown: I wasn't referring to you Brasta Septim but the hackers Idoisy and Benry. If you cannot work that one out, then you are very stupid. None of your comments are valid.
Jesus Christ: He will be punished in due time.
...yes. There really is a Part Fucking Two of The Evil Gods
. And yes...it is my duty to liveblog it one day.
At this rate, I should have combined the Prayer Warriors
series into one cohesive mega-liveblog. But...I don't know how much longer I can take of this shit before I break down in disgust.
This chapter is entitled "The Fourth Key", which, unlike the last chapter, is Exactly What It Says On The Tin. We cut back to Michael enjoying a big steak...and we get to know that he hates bacon, that "disgusting, filthy shit". Aww, bacon is awesome.
Ebony walks over, giving the two keys to Michael and straightening her bun on her head. Yes, like pretty much every other Christian woman, her hair isn't loose so that she doesn't look like a slut.
Even though she technically is.
But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be. -1 Corinthians 11:5-6
Michael asks her if she got the keys, and she smiles happily. Of course it's a "yes"! And also, she managed to easily
get rid of the "menace" Harry Potter and...ugh...the "homosexual git" Ronald Weasley. As they speak, Dumbledore and his Satanic Army are burying them; and by his command, they will dig the graves up again and cut the bodies into pieces.
...yeesh. They do realize that there are young kids in Hogwarts, right? Then again, if they want them to be scared straight...
Michael stands up. Why? Simple. He can be taller than Ebony. And we get more fun with sexism: women should be submissive to men, for they
are created first. The woman is created from the man's rib, so they owe them for being given life.
...oh, if only the fic knew that it's rivalling that shitty Power Rangers Samurai
show for Most Sexist Thing That Is An Insult To All Things Ever.
And Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a mate for him. and the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. –Genesis
Michael asks her what her reward is for doing so damned well. Her answer: she wants to marry Draco Malfoy. Even though he hasn't been seen several chapters ago. She wants to grow tall trees. I...have no idea what trees are supposed to symbolize here.
Anyway! Michael warns Ebony that he knows where the fourth key is located. Hermione, here always called by her full name of Hermione Jean Granger for God knows what reason, has it. And she was at Harry's funeral, sitting next to Dumbledore.
Oh, get this. It's said that he
is a pedophile, too! Why? Simple. He has sex with her.
...I feel so dirty from writing this. And I already took a bath.
So Ebony's mission, should she choose to accept it, is to go to Hermione and snatch the key, even if it means sending her to her death. Of course she has to accept it, as he wants the key now, but she accepts.
Later, at Hagrid's hut (see? Even the story contradicted itself and called it a hut!), in an underground extension used for weddings, Draco and Ebony get hitched. After getting married, the couple...peel off an onion skin, and then Draco places seeds onto Ebony's pot as she puts his noodles into her bowl. As soon as they get done, they sleep. Yeah.
My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him. I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock. –Songs 5:4-5
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor: but make not thyself known unto the man, until he shall have done eating and drinking. And it shall be, when he lieth down, that thou shalt mark the place where he shall lie, and thou shalt go in, and uncover his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what thou shalt do. –Ruth 3:3-4
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. –Songs 4:5
The next day, Ebony heads to Hermione's room, where she dabbles in the crime of...putting on makeup.
This simple act of, I don't know, morning rituals that some women do because they like to look pretty or some work places require you to look fucking nice
makes Ebony throw up in her mouth...but did we really get to see her swallowing it? Oh, wait, that's exactly what she did.
Ebony yells at Hermione to give her the key, but the latter, thankfully a very rational one (well, for now, anyway—there's no one in the Prayer Warriors
series who is rational), tells Ebony to calm the fuck down. Oh, and she wants to become a Christian. Ebony is all but willing to lead her to Hagrid's hut, likely thinking, "well, shit, that was easy!" Or something along those lines.
When Ebony shows Hermione to Michael and explains that she wants to be baptized...oh, God. Michael essentially flips the fuck out, deciding to baptize Hermione because he doesn't want her to ruin such a sacred ritual. Dude. Calm down. The fuck is your problem?
Then he drags Hermione to the lake
and baptizes her. Dude! What is your deal with Hermione? She hasn't been shown to do anything wrong! And then he slut-shames her, sort of, by saying that he
thinks that she doesn't deserve to be baptized, but because Ebony trusts her, he'll give her a chance. Oh, and he calls her a "Satanic bitch".
Stay. Fucking. Classy.
Thomas Brown: I put a lot into that chapter.
Jesus Christ: I can tell so, well done.
Thomas Brown: I will end at the twentieth chapter so I can write a sequel to The Evil Gods. Amen to all!
Oh, shut the hell up, Thomas. Your series is making me rage
. But...it is my own fault for putting myself through this marathon of hatred.
At least we don't have that long to go.
The Author's Note has Thomas saying that, recently, he doesn't feel interested in writing the fanfic. Quite frankly, I don't feel interested in liveblogging this piece of shit, either. And the account he has now? It's his third and final account, and he made it "unpossible" to hack it.
Ralph Wiggum: "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
YOU'RE GIFT-WRAPPING THESE JOKES FOR ME, THOMAS BROWN!
Chapter 18 doesn't have a title, but it does have a recap. Here, I won't say it, for it'll run the risk of the Viewers Are Goldfish/Morons thing.
Ebony remarks on how she feels so alive, and she can't wait to take down Dumbledore. Who...is a witch.
Witches are female, and wizards are generally
males. Yes, female wizards aren't unheard of.
Draco agrees with his wife, saying that Dumbledore has Harry get away with lots of things...including having sex with other men. What. Even Ebony agrees, wanting to see Dumbledore fall off a bridge so she can see him die very painfully
...do those sickos take pleasure in watching other people die?! Pretty soon, they'll take a page from Martha Rendell and poison the Satanists
, and then gleefully watch them die! And get a hell of a lot of pleasure out of it like the sick fucks that they are!
Oh, yes. I went there.
Once again, the sick fucks read the Bible, specifically the part where David took on Goliath and won.
When a righteous man doth turn from his righteousness, and commit iniquity, and I lay a stumbling-block before him, he shall die: because thou hast not given him warning, he shall die in his sin, and his righteousness which he hath done shall not be remembered.-Ezekiel 3:20
Michael, standing taller than ever and looking a lot different due to God giving him SPESHUL POWARS to make him look more important than anyone else, states that it's time to face the music
emergency. He's so damn powerful that all women will fall onto their knees before him. In my vicious headcanon, he looks like a twisted Carter Grayson, a holier-than-thou version that's so evil, it makes the not-really-holier-than-thou-but still-very-evil Matt go, "what the fuck
And the human part of my soul is weeping
Then Michael says a prayer in order to be protected on this night.
Michael: "Dear God, please protect us on our night of need. We need every little help that we can get. We have served you through the thin and thick and we believe now that it is time for you to help us in our quest to rid this world of Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Hairy Potter, Twitchcraft, and atheists! We will sacralise at your alter afterwards. Please bless us, like you did by giving us your son and our lord, God`s only forgotten son, Jesus Christ of Narrative. Amen and man."
As soon as that's prayed out, Michael and his Prayer Warriors—Hogwarts Chapter (I'm so going to call these particular Prayer Warriors this to distinguish them from Jerry's Prayer Warriors) head to Dumbledore's office with all five keys—wait, wait, wait!
How the fuck did they get five keys already?
What was the fate of Harmony?
That's right. Those things and many, many more
are never explained.
Feel free to be pissed off at this chapter, this story, the characters, and the fucking author now, if you haven't already (and trust me, I'm sure that you're already pissed with any combination in the past chapters in some form or another!).
Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ.-Ephesians 6:5
As soon as they unlocked the doors, there they find a dreadful sight. Is it Dumbledore taking on a One-Winged Angel form? No, but that would have been an awesome sight to see. Instead, he's having sex with Harry Potter.
How did Harry survive being killed? How was he resurrected? Why do I feel so unclean after this? Why is the bathwater that I took a bath in wants to take its own bath?
THIS FANFIC SUCKS!
Anyway...whew! Dumbledore, once confronted, asks, yes, he has sex with little boys, so what? And we get ourselves an anticlimatic battle with Michael, I guess (considering the writer's track record of not sticking to a POV), tackling the despicable Dumbledore out of the room. Taking the headmaster with him, he falls to the ground. The chapter ends with him seeing the white light and Jesus. With that, he's in Heaven, and Dumbledore is in Hell.
YAY! THAT BASTARD MICHAEL IS DEAD—oh, oh, what a tragedy.
Well, we have one installment left, the grand finale! So with the leader gone, will the remaining Prayer Warriors—Hogwarts Chapter defeat Harry Potter? Again? Will Dumbledore somehow be resurrected? And will Hogwarts be destroyed once and for all?
Awaken that soul on the concluding liveblog of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!