Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
Part 7: Time For Pointless Shit!
Previously on the liveblog, Ginny is dead. OR IS SHE? Yes, I had to say that because, in the Prayer Warriors
universe, no one stays dead unless if they're Gods, i.e. plot-important.
So let's continue with...
In Draco's POV, he went to Michael's room and hears that Ginny was dead. Yes, he never liked her, but not because she's a Weasley, no. She's a Satanic whore.
Oh, wait, wait a damn minute. Apparentally, she also has sex with Ron. Um...didn't she say that she would never do that?
Take a shot every time you see continuity problems!
They try to figure out how to have a new link to Dumbledore. Instead of, I don't know, trying to get themselves caught so he can take them to his office and torture them, only for them to beat him, Ebony decides to put herself forward. Why? The only other link to Dumbledore is Harry himself.
As if you couldn't have guessed.
She even knows that if she does anything sinful, she'll be sent to Hell, but it would be for the good of all Christians. Michael is happy that she's giving herself up, stating that God will forgive her if she does have sex with him. So...apparentally, having non-marital sex between, ahem, "Satanists" are wrong, but if a Christian does it, it's a-OK!
How fucked up can you get with your bullshit Double Standards?!
Draco can't believe what he's hearing and tells Michael that he loves her. But Michael and Ebony state that they'll be fine. Justifiably pissed off, Draco leaves to the Forbidden Forest and screams in frustration.
...the really sad thing is that, love to Ebony all of a sudden aside, I'm actually kinda siding to him.
But then! Holy shit, but then! An evil
-looking man appears. Who is he? Why, it's fucking Lord Voldemort, He Who Must Not Be Named himself! He tells Draco to kill Michael. Why? Because if Hogwarts is destroyed, then he wouldn't have anything to fight for. Um...Voldy, what is it that you're fighting for? If it's killing Harry Potter, then you can do that anytime!
This really makes no sense.
Oh. And if he refuses to kill Draco, then Voldemort will kill Ebony. I'm guessing that he became from a Complete Monster second only to fucking Dolores Umbridge
to...a Chaotic Neutral? What a weird Character Derailment.
Voldemort "blows off" (okay...), and Draco is more scared than ever. And to make matters worse for him, to end the chapter, Jesus Christ hasn't heard his prayers. If only he knew that the God the Prayer Warriors worshipped was a twisted, evil God...
Anyway, the ending Author's Notes states that the end of the world will happen in July the Sixteenth of this year (keep in mind that this is written before it happened—or, rather, not happened), and if we don't confess...well, we don't know, because interestingly enough, it was left blank! Quick, guess as to what the ending will be!
But hey, let's continue and check up on Michael.
Michael looks shocked that Draco chose to leave, but he let things alone as soon as he realizes that, no, he's not coming back. Wait, wait. Now that I think about it, these two chapters totally contradict Chapter 12's ending. Where Draco and Ebony slept in different rooms.
...dammit, stupid continuity errors. This is even worse with the whole "inconsistent with itself" department than The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, believe it or not!
Speaking of continuity errors, Michael says a prayer to a worried Ebony. It says that she's the first woman to become a Prayer Warrior; and yes, it's a historic event.
You know...what about Mary? I was led to believe that she
was the first Prayer Warrior! Unless if Ebony is the first female, British Prayer Warrior...
And yes. You guessed it. The prayer's in Latin.
"Hocmulierumbenedicentur in tesimilitudinem
Peccabitquesed illiin magnaomnium nostrum
Cumaeterni judiciifitinvigesimo sextoJulii
Mitteturcælumsicutvere fideliserat enimbona
"At ilianon peccabis, neque dormiet inlectoex stupro
Nemininon intelligitmitteminiincaelo etinfernofoueas
Deusestjustus, etpropitiatio, etintelligetcausae
"Egoutilitatemdomini etlicebitutiaeterni iudicii
Sed memento,multiexlaederene voscredere
"Cum potestatedata est mihi aDomini Saluatoris
UnigenitusDeus solusdeJesu Christihistoria
Tusempermulieribus inobtinuititabenedicere. Amen."
Bullshit Translator: "Fear all you Atheists, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and all other Satanic religions! For when it's Judgment Day, you all will be sent to Hell! And your bodies will be eaten by all foul beasts
breasts, scattered upon the non-God-fearing wastelands!"
...holy shit, even trying to type In The Style Of this fanfic is horrible enough.
After Ebony leaves, Hagrid shows up, telling Michael that Jerry wants to talk to him. And so he leaves to the house
hut (I don't give a damn that the story says that he doesn't live in a hut, but a home, I'm sticking to canon!), where the bastard from The Evil Gods
Guess what? Like in The Evil Gods
before it, this is a Sequel Hook Chapter! As Michael tells Jerry that not everything's going according to plan, the guy says that he found a portal to a new world. And he suspects that Dumbledore and his army has went there before them. So what can they do? Find someone to go to that world and save it, of course!
For the record, that world? As Thomas planned at one point to write The Prayer Warriors: A Kingdom Under Shadow
, it's the fucking Star Wars
universe! Dear God...first, he ruins the Percy Jackson series. Then...Harry Potter. Now Star Wars? What the hell else would he destroy?
I'd imagine that, sooner or later, he'll eventually target the Pokemon universe and kill all the females there because they are TEH WHOREZ!!!1. Because said universe is always a soccer mom's favorite to bitch at.
With that, our installment ends. Will the group still find a way to get to Dumbledore's office? Will Ebony succeed in her mission? And how much more insane can the story get?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!