Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
Part 6: Rescue Us From This Insanity
Welcome back. Sorry that I haven't been updating this liveblog. Unfortunately, last week, my old laptop decided to be a bitch and crapped out on me with a bunch of viruses. Luckily, the next day, I got a new laptop! :D So hopefully there won't be any problems. And the fanfic was so bad that I decided to take a break and upload a different liveblog, a mostly-positive liveblog of one of my favorite films of all time. Now that that's done and I feel refreshed, I can get back to bashing the shit out of this one.
With that said...
Previously on the liveblog, tracts happened. As well as the usual stuff. Just when we thought that BelieverInChrist couldn't get any worse, he managed to succed.
So let's go on with...
The day before the Jars of Clay concert, Hagrid asks Michael to read a prayer. Get this: the fact that it's a prayer is not good enough. Because it's in freaking Latin, Hagrid wants to hear it all the more. That's if I translated this entire liveblog into Japanese via Google Translate because you guys want to hear it all the more.
...note to self. Try using Google Translate to do all my Prayer Warriors
liveblogs into all different languages.
So Michael practiced it all day, trying to be more confident. Understandable. Then he goes to Hagrid's house, which the story helpfully informs us that "he does not live in a house ok". Wait, first off, does he live in a house or not? Make up your damn mind! That's just as bad as Jerry stating to us, the viewers, that he and Mary weren't dating, but they were at the same time, albeit not having sex! Secondly, even if he does
live in a house, technically, he lives in a hut. You had it right in a previous chapter, but for the love of God, be fucking consistent!
Also, want to know why Hagrid became a Christian? It's not because of his love of all people and, yes, creatures. Nope, fuck that bit of character traits, it's because he was annoyed at Dumbledore and, because he's a Satanist/atheist (yes, here, these religions are not that exclusive), his ignorant ways. And we get this lovely
Author Tract about how all atheists are ignorant fools. No, they're human like the rest of us. You? Well...I don't want to say that you're not human, because, yes, there are many overzealous people out there. But I'd like to think that you're insane even by those overzealous people's standards.
Hagrid is happy to see Michael and teach him something. Why? Because his house
hut is a God-fearing house
HUT DAMMIT and suited to teach the ways of God. And yes, it's truly a Christian Church.
...I give up on the whole "be fucking consistent, dammit" thing.
So Michael decides to teach Hagrid a prayer. Yes, it's in Latin. Because it is in that language, we would know it. And atheists who would read this are morons and won't realize its true meaning. Yes, even the Satanic Church of England. Even though I'm pretty damn sure that, again, it isn't Satanic or has an atheistic bent; rather, it's freaking Protestant. (Or, at least, when it was first created, thanks to King Henry VIII.)
Want to know the prayer? Break out the Google Translate, because here we go!
"Sequereveram esse viamunius veri Dei
Numquampeccare insancta conversatione
Verumenimetdiabolusest iniquitas maxima
Tu mihisolatium, maximum luxsemper
Mortuus esmihiincruce, ita ut vivamus
Ultra morteminmundumvester caelestis
In finali judiciocumvinceseleganti. Amen."
By the way? If, like me, you used Google Translate, you realize that there are so many things...off with the prayer. Namely, some of the words are squished together to the point where you don't know what it is. But if I can haphazard a guess as to what the fuck this prayer is, it's "any nonbeliever will face their punishment on Judgment Day—that is, yes, they're going to Hell, and there's nothing they can do about it."
Because...it's been repeated over and damn over throughout the story.
And Michael tells another prayer. This time, it tells the dooms that the nonbelievers will face.
Vicesimo sexto Iuliidies illares redit, ut
Allpeccatoresin infernum eat
Et faciemiraDei omnipotentis. Amen."
Once again, the prayer has words squished together. But my guess would be "the Devil will screw around with them, their flesh will burn, and they may be chained up. They will wish that they have never sinned."
Michael tells Hagrid that his dream will come true, as Judgment Day will be upon them. Hogwarts will fall—er, "full", and I have no idea why they said "full". Maybe it would burst out from sin? Or would the students, the "Satanic" ones, end up falling under the sin of Gluttony and become full that way?
(speaking of, I end up eating until I can no longer move)
...why yes. I am guilty of that sin.
Anyway, I'm reading too much into this, so...Michael says that he has Ginny in his grip, and soon, she'll blab about how they can get into Dumbledore's office and find out his Satanic plans.
Hagrid is comforted and wishes Michael luck, ending the chapter.
...and yes. It is about to get even worse.
The Author's Note—gee, don't you wish that such notes can't be made all the time?—states about how Thomas didn't use a translator (hey, I believe him, because there is no fucking way that he would screw up Latin otherwise!), and Noah ran away to Kansas City (Missouri?), so if we find him, we have to report to him so he can teach his younger, insane brother God's ways.
During the time where Draco and Ebony are at the Green Day concert
the Jars of Clay/Family Force 5 concert, Michael does some research to see whether or not Hogwarts is planning an attack on Christians. Nope! He thinks that it's in Dumbledore's office.
Dude, you said many times that you knew that it was there. So why do you "suddenly" think that now?
He decides to find clues on how to get to Dumbledore's office—if you are trying to find clues, what is the point of having Ginny around?—when, all of a sudden, enter Harry Potter. He tells Michael to stay away from Ginny, his
Ginny. Yes, I will admit that the Harry/Ginny pairing's canon. So there's that.
But then he goes on to say that she's his Satanic whore. And if he finds Michael with Ginny again, Harry will tell Dumbledore, and the headmaster will torture him. And so he leaves as he laughs "a crawl Satanic laugh". And no, Michael does not take that opportunity, since, you know, it's the only way to get to the office.
Suddenly, there's an explosion in the bathroom! And, oh, my God. Ginny was blown up. And yes, we do get some lovely descriptions of what her body looked like.
"I saw peace of her bodies here and there, and I was sure I had seen the top part of her head and peace of her black painted fingers."
...ew. Ew, ew, ew. And to think, Grover's first death and Annabel's death in The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
were graphic enough!
Michael is annoyed—not upset, just annoyed—that someone would blow Ginny up, that someone would destroy the only link to Dumbledore. And yes, he leaves the body right where it is. Why? She's a Satanist, and dammit, she doesn't deserve to be buried in holy ground!
...have I mentioned that the story is fucked yet?
After Michael heads back to his room, Draco and Ebony follow not long after. He tells them about how Ginny died. And guess what? Instead of expressing panic or concern that she's dead, he's actually happy! Because he hated her.
About the only thing Draco has against other wizards is the whole "Mudblood" thing. That kind of Fantastic Racism. To hate her because she's a Satanic whore...no.
And so, everyone talks about what to do, as they don't know how to get into the office now. The chapter ends with the group reading the Bible, specifically the part where David faced off against Goliath and how they feel the same way against Hogwarts, and they head to bed. Yes, Draco and Ebony head to separate rooms because they aren't married.
Our Author's Notes are in Latin. If you can guess what it means, send your replies to "firstname.lastname@example.org" for your chance to win a cookie!
Thus ends this installment! Will Ginny be revived by a bullshit reason? Will the group somehow find a way to go into Dumbledore's office? And will we find a reasonable, rational-thinking soul?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!