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Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
arcadiarika

[table of contents]
Part 5: Wanting to Chuck the Fanfic Into a Lost Galaxy
...oh, boy.

I don't know why, at times, I'm doing this. But...I have to make it. I mean, hell, I'm halfway done with this! But...hopefully the next twelve chapters won't be painful.

Last time, Draco is smitten with Ebony, and a speech was made. Also, Michael tried to gain Ginny's trust, but it...didn't go so well.

So let's continue with...

Chapter 9

As an aside, did you know that Social Studies-esque classes and Science corrupt our minds, and schools should teach the ways of God? No? Well, you do now, because the Author's Notes said so!

Dude...there are Bible classes for that. In churches.

Anyway, Michael is in Herbology, where Professor Sprout teaches them how to, well, plant anti-Christian plants. Seriously. But he poisons the plants by not magic, but...sciences...chemistry, if you will.

Which, by the way? Is a Science class. Dammit, Thomas, stop your fucking contradictions!

And he eventually poisons all of the plants. No one questions why he does it, but he's sure he'll gain a place in Heaven for saving lives. Then again, Sprout is probably deaf, dumb, and blind for worshipping Satan too much, too.

Also, yes, I'm skipping the Author Tracts. The redundant ones (which is pretty much most, if not all, of them). Because I don't want to suffer through this any more than you do.

In Potions, Snape reveals that Hogwarts is developing bombs boobs. So, wait, pretty much everyone will become prostitutes and smoooooooooookin' hotties, even the guys, too?

(suddenly gains a pair of bigger breasts, and is turned back into a woman...though the fatness stays)

Huh.

Then again, don't answer that.

Ginny sees Michael and drops some bombshells. First, Ron's her sibling, as we already know a few chapters ago. Secondly, Dumbledore allows Harry to get away with things such as...leaving school and going somewhere else. Um...Hogsmeade and the times where they celebrate Christmas aside, about the only times Harry is off elsewhere, to my recollection, is if a teacher needs him. And even then, he's smart enough to bring his Invisibility Cloak—oh, wait. Michael thinks that Harry goes off to murder Christians.

...

I got nothing.

After that, Dumbledore assembled the classes, revealing that he has found a student who is friends with both God and Satan. For once, Michael has found a common enemy. And what is the student charged with? Death.

It wouldn't be so bad—yes, stupid, but not bad—if the student wasn't named Noah, after the writer's brother, and was stoned to death. But, sadly, that's exactly what happens! And to make things worse, he's left to rot. And the author takes the time to tell his real-life brother that he'll go to Hell.

...um...I...I got nothing.

The chapter ends with Michael sucking at a spell in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and that's about it.

...nine chapters in, and it shows that things are about to get worse. Come to think of it, why did Dumbledore state that Character!Noah would be hung, dry, and quartered when all he ends up getting is our old friend, stoning to death? Eh.

Chapter 10

The chapter here is written by Draco's POV, as it helpfully tells us. We get some recaps of what happened to him, namely his baptism and when he hears Jerry's speech. And then we go to him looking at Ebony. With her blond hair tied in the Christian manner, golden white skin, a skirt that doesn't show her knees, no lipstick, and limpid blue eyes—wait, what?

Okay, I'm convinced that he read My Immortal and decided to, ahem, "remake" it in the form of pro-Christian propaganda, Part II.

And, like My Immortal, after Draco asks Ebony out, they decide to go to a concert! Only it's Jars of Clay, with Family Force 5 as the opening act. And instead of moshing because it's Satanic, y'all, they sit down and read from the Bible. Along with Jerry, Mary, and Hagrid.

As Jars of Clay performs after Family Force 5 did their songs, Ebony looks...well, who the hell knows. Draco asks her if there's a problem, and she replies that even though the lead singer is good, he'll never be as hot as Draco. And they kiss (in the Christian manner, mind, because God forbid that we think otherwise). The chapter ends with them heading back to Hagrid's hut after the concert, the couple kissing again, and reading some more from the Bible.

I apologize for the shortness, but...considering that they're pretty short when the tracts are removed...eh.

So, will the plot move forward? Will there be more senseless deaths? And will we see what kinds of Satanic stuff the supposedly Satanic people are up to?

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!
22nd Nov '11 10:32:22 AM flag for mods
comments
This has to be a troll fic. There are too many My Immortal references for it not to be.
Mezzopiano 22nd Nov 11
Those are probably Noah in origin- a silent protest against his brother.
azu 18th May 13
Wait a second...he hates his brother so much he killed an expy of him in the story, and yet he's still letting him write?
Morgikit 14th Jul 13
am I the only guy how wants to beat the shit out of Jerry
gallantmonsonofdarkness 16th Nov 13
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