Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches


Part 4: Beyond Stupidity and Space

...welcome back.

Last time, well...remember when Thomas promised to tone the stuff down, the Author Tracts? Well, he clearly failed in that. But at least there hasn't been murders everywhere. I'm not going to get my hopes up, though.

Also, we met Draco, and Michael's dating Ginny. That's...about it.

So let's go on with...

Chapter 7

Once again, the Author's Note is more of the same. And we get a tract about how England lost its Christianity, and it must be cleansed from all nonbelievers. I'd almost say that, once again, this guy is like a certain dictator, but I'm way too nice to make such a comment.

So let's continue with the one thing that does (kinda) matter: the story.

Before Michael enters, Ginny warns him that there are secret Satanists in her room. Who are they? Harry and Ron. Because when they're not doing rituals, they're gay lovers.

Oh, boy. Here we go, the gay-bashing. Because we pretty much need something that will make up with the lack of murders.

Michael enters the room, and wouldn't you know it, there are two of our beloved Power Trio, reading from a Satanic bible. He thought about taking the book and burning it, also allowing God to punish them, but it would blow their cover. So he doesn't.

And then Ginny goes on to say that she and Harry are bisexuals. Despite not saying which girl she loves, so it doesn't make sense. And yet, she doesn't have sex with Ron, because even evil has standards.

...wow. Just...wow. It almost seems like the Satanists are more heroic than the—oh, what the fuck am I talking about? They are more heroic! Why? Because, killing and doing "rituals" aside, those that we don't even see (and those that we do see are just...sex for the sake of sex and how bad it is), by the by, they're just normal people like you and me.

So Michael feels uncomfortable because of all this, and he lies to Ginny, saying that he has homework to do. And so he flees back to his room, with the chapter ending with him reading the Bible and going to bed. And Jerry will advise him tomorrow.

Oh, boy. Still, again, at least there has yet to be a pointless death scene.

And the ending Author's Note dedicates the story to the real Christians. You can groan now.

Hold tight, for the next chapter is a biggie. In terms of not only length, but...more fucking Author Tracts.

Chapter 8

Blah blah blah, Author's Notes, everyone's going to Hell, Thomas and Ebony aren't trolls.

So on Sunday, Michael prepares to read from the Bible and prepare his speech. To say that he has lots to talk about is an understatement. Oh, and Jerry doesn't just show up, his girlfriend Mary does, too!

...wait, girlfriend? Didn't the two get married? Damn you, continuity issues!

Michael heads over there, where a hundred secret Christians show up. Wait just a damn minute, in the beginning, he says that he's the only Christian in Hogwarts (the whipped boy notwithstanding). How...wha...

I'll just chalk it up to him not knowing that there are more Christians in Hogwarts.

He says his speech.

Michael: "Behold I speak to now is a berry impartment issue, which is must be stop. Many of your fellow students are practise sins against our lord and savior Jesus Christ. They are having same gender sex and having open relationships. It was once told in the Bible that God sent two wolfs to kill a group of people that mocked one of God`s profits. The same thing will happen to these atheistic Satanists. God has sent me and Jerry to go undercover into your school and find information on an attack by Dumbledore. And once we work his plan we will kill him and anyone practising atheistic rituals. And it will be a great day."

Yes, that's right. They're Satanists because, again, they practice rituals (if we see them, we'll believe it) and are totally gay. And, thus, they must be destroyed.

(looks at my statement of hoping there wouldn't be any senseless deaths)


Then Hagrid wants to speak, but since he's a teacher, he gets booed. Wait, what? The secret Christians should have known that he's a Christian, too! Why the fuck else would they go to his hut?

Oh, and he cries, too. Character Derailment, thy name is The Prayer Warriors.

However, Ebony convinces the students to let him speak, and so he does. What does he say? "I may be a Hogwarts teacher, but I'm also a SATANIST! Christian!" Huh. That's...a coincidence.

And then Jerry goes up and says his bit.

Jerry: "I can declare to you now that the evil gods in the United States of America have been defeated and everyone there is free of Satan grip. But as a warning, he is now hiding here and I fear Dumbledore might know where he is hiding. With the help of all of you we will be able to find Satan and remove him from England and make it return to the true Catholic way. We will remove the static Queen and her greedy family from power and replace it with a conservative democratic system much like in America, and we will outlaw atheism, witchcraft and liverish. Behold the truth way!
"For here is another teaching I told my own church back in the United States of America to my Prayer Warriors: were one step ahead of the enemy now. You are not going ageist this evil way of life, and you are now willing to help us destroy this evil satanic school of witchcraft. This will truly cripple Stan We need to find out what they are doing and punished them, for they have sinned for too long and rejected our lord Jesuit Christ, the only forgotten don of the one tire God, and our lord and saviors!
"I tell you that the end is near, and although false profits have lied to to you, this time it is the truth. God has told me to tell you that his planning to send all of us true Christians up to heaven, while leaving all the nonbeliebers to suffer the wrath of God, in which they will be boiled by fires, wars and paradox. And at the end, all of them will be dropped into the flames of hell. Here is what God told me, this will happen after 66 days after the false prediction made by the coward Harold Campo, and he is going to burn in hell as well! Behold the great day it will be! Mane and amen!"

So if you're confused, basically, Satan has fled to England, and because of that, he must be destroyed. Along with Queen Elizabeth II and her family, even though they didn't do anything! Democracy has to be in order instead of royalty. Secondly, they must find out what the students (the Satanic ones) are doing and kill them, because they sinned too long. Finally, the end will be near, and Jerry gives out a time.

...the important thing you need to know about this clusterfuck? Amidst all the "other religions bad, Christianity good!" statements? Fuck trying to convert all other Hogwarts students to Christianity, no, down to the depths of Hell they will all go!

Like its parent story The Evil Gods, this story is fucked.

Jerry dismisses the meeting, and Draco tells Michael that he wants to ask Ebony out. Wait...Draco and Ebony. Yes, I'm not the first person who notices this coincidence, and I certainly won't be the last.

So our chapter ends with Michael reading the Bible. And he certainly can't wait for the world to end. Dude, you have lots to live for! If the world ends, you'll die, too!

Ugh. This story and reality don't often meet.

Blah blah blah, ending Author's Notes, two reviewers should stop or they can go to Hell.

...gah. This is truly...offensive. Even more so than The Evil Gods.

So will Michael manage to toughen up and gain Ginny's trust? Will Draco ask Ebony out? And will I try to survive this...thing?

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!