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Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
arcadiarika

[table of contents]
Part 3: Shift into Insanity
Welcome back.

Last time, we got to look at Michael's life in Hogwarts. And, yes, they're still planning to destroy the damn school. Not because it's dangerous or anything, oh, no, it's because it's Satanist to the core. And how will they do it? Michael will date Ginny.

...gee, I wonder how that'll go. (rubs one of my many chins)

So let's move on with...

Chapter 5

The Author's Note has Thomas thanking Ebony and scolding Noah. Because of what happened in the last story. At this rate, now that we had a look in Noah's psyche, I'm not as willing to root for him anymore.

After Michael leaves, Draco Malfoy spots him. Now, you would think that he would act all nasty towards him and call him a "mudblood" or some shit because Michael's a (glorified) Muggle. Or accuse him of being friends with Harry Potter. Not in this story, no! Instead, he somehow heard that Mike's a Christian, and he's interested in converting to Christianity and become a fucking Prayer Warrior.

And to think, the My Immortal-verse version of Draco was horrible with the Character Derailment. This Draco makes the other one look closer to canon in comparison.

Michael follows Draco to a lake, and you guessed it, the latter is baptized. After that, he asks Draco if he could somehow find a way to have the Christian hook up with Ginny. Draco says "yes", adding that he and Ginny used to date some time ago.

BULLSHIT.

In canon, Draco and Ginny hated each other.

Anyway, he warns Michael that Ginny, Harry, and Ron are the most Satanic people in the school. Wait...what about Hermione? I guess since she's a Muggle, she isn't really a witch; ergo, she isn't Satanic.

Which...kinda makes sense.

Michael agrees and tells Draco that he needs their help because he needs to figure out how he'll go to Dumbledore's office. Draco replies by saying that he'll think about it. If he helps Michael, he'll definitely earn a spot in Heaven. We'll see how many people he'll kill in order to make it happen, too.

And so the chapter ends with Michael telling Draco that he can go to the services in Hagrid's hut on Sunday, but he must be quiet, for the Satanic static scum would kill them. Well, I'm sure that with their electrical shocks...

Michael heads back to Hogwarts and reads the Bible. He prays to God, who says to him that Percy Jackson and Jerry have defeated the evil Greek Gods, but Satan fled to England.

...oh, speaking of? Remember the story I liveblogged? Yeah. There's a part fucking 2 now. And, unfortunately, it is my duty to liveblog the shit out of these stories, so...expect that to be done. After the eventual liveblogging of Threat of Satanic Communism.

And after that...Michael heads to bed.

Well, we're 1/4th of the way done, so let's go on with...

Chapter 6

The Author's Note is one of the longest that isn't separated by two paragraphs. Seriously, if you take that out and measure it, it would be half of this chapter. In any event...remember how I (and the SBIH page) said that Thomas didn't give Noah any nicer treatment after he told him to stop? Yeah. This is a biggie.

Aside from telling the reviewers that they should get out of this Christian nation and move to England (then contradicting himself by saying that witchcraft should be banned in England, as it's practiced there—wait, so you want to kill the reviewers?), and aside from thanking Ebony, he goes on to tell Noah that he will burn in Hell. And if he gets in his way, he'll destroy him.

Dude. I think that Noah's batshit as hell, having given up on him upon seeing his Author's Note. But...to wish death upon him? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

What are the odds that Thomas' parents didn't ground him from the Interwebz after writing this?

Anyway...in Potions class, Michael pretends to make one, but he tries to talk to Ginny. And we get on this long paragraph about how she thinks Satan's awesome because they get to lie, kill, and steal. He grows sick, but he eventually tries to get over it, as he has his mission.

Oh, and apparentally, Snape isn't noticing that Michael isn't making Potions. Why? He's deaf, dumb, and blind because he worshipped Satan too much. Yes, that's right, he figured out how to twist a complicated character into...a strawman.

Michael asks Ginny if she wants to go out with him, because he wants to learn the ways of Satan he comes from a place where Satanism is not allowed and punishable by death. Ginny agrees, not questioning where he exactly came from or who he is. And he says that he wants to take things slowly, meaning yes, no sex.

Ginny tells Michael to meet her in her room after classes, so she can teach him the ways of Satan. And as she glorifies Satan, Michael grows sicker and sicker. Dude, why do you grow sick? You can, you know, tune out the Satan-glorifying.

In spell class (of which we don't really know what spell class it is, I mean, there are different classes—did he even read the books?), the class learns how to blow things up with Satanic words. And just when we thought that we can't be beaten over the heads with "Satan bad, Christianity good!", we get an Author Tract that tells us that he won't write down the words because he doesn't want us to learn magic. Because...it's bad, m'kay? And if we wish to be saved, we should burn all books of such kind. Yes, even the Harry Potter series.

...okay, I'm sure that magic is, you know, fictional. There's no way to learn it in real life. And I think that this fic, along with others of such ilk (the Prayer Warriors series), should be burned. Not even used to roast marshmallows.

Later, Hagrid shows the Christians how to kill a magical beast without using Wizardry. I presume that it would be swords and, of course, our old "friend" stoning. And so the story ends with, after praying and reading psalms, Michael heading to Ginny's room.

Will Michael manage to gain Ginny's trust? Will more demonization occur? And why the hell is Draco acting so nice?

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!
21st Nov '11 11:16:18 AM flag for mods
comments
I can actually picture Hagrid being Christian, but not 'cuz he's crazy and would get a kick out of stoning things. Because he's a big-hearted guy who would probably agree in a number of ways with Jesus' message of LOVE AND MOTHER-EFFING TOLERANCE. That, and, as we've already mentioned, God digs the unshaven.

And even if he was, Hagrid's the last person who'd try to convert anyone to anything, save trying to convince them of the beauty of a blast-ended skrewt.
FreezairForALimitedTime 21st Nov 11
I personally think you were a little to harsh on Noah. I mean granted, his author's note wasn't exactly nice but to be fair since he was living with Thomas at the time, I have no doubt that he wrote stuff to avoid Thomas' wrath. If you read it again it does sound rather forced and passionless.

Also, for those who still think this is all troll stuff answer me this, why the Hell would the author continue to write 3 more fucking sequels after this! You'd think he stop with the first one.
1upmushroom 8th May 13
Hermione wasn't a Muggle. Her parents were both Muggles, so she's what the wizard community calls a Muggle-born, but she still uses magic. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Muggles aren't allowed in Hogwarts. No point in going to a school to learn about magic you can't use.
Morgikit 17th Jun 13
Also, why would Hagrid help them kill magical creatures? Dumbledore made him the groundskeeper of Hogwarts because of his love for animals, even the scary ones like giant spiders and dragons. I could imagine him helping them take down Dumbledore if they promise to leave the Fobidden Forest alone. But that's only slightly less stupid because he and Dumbledore have been friends for years. I guess Tommy thinks that if a Christian does it, it's not immoral.
Morgikit 7th Jul 13
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