"...and Harry Potter and all his wizard friends went straight to Hell for practising witchcraft."
Ned Flanders from The Simpsons' episode "Trilogy of Error". Also describes this fic in a nutshell.
...mm...oh, hello, everyone.
Last time, on the liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, I managed to keep a thread of sanity as I finally saw the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Sure, I was turned into a man, and...this happened...(pokes my stomach)...but it seemed like there was a way out.
Oh, dear God, I was wrong. Because there's a sequel.
So, from the batshit insane mind that brought you said liveblog and five others, comes...the sequel of the horrible fanfic that no one really wanted.
That's right, I'm talking about The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
First, a recap on who the title characters are. The Prayer Warriors are supposedly these Christians who want to convert all others to Christianity. But most of the time, they kill other people. And they always beat readers over the head with the "Christianity is good, and if you don't convert, you're going to Hell!" anvil.
When it's not anvilicious, it's misogynist. Few female villains ever get a chance or an offer to convert, instead being killed because they're whores, so it's okay. Except that in Logic Land, that's not a good reason to kill someone. Oh, and the "good" women? They don't fare much better. Instead, they become "housewives", slaves to men with nary a right. Yes, fuck feminism, having your own voice, and becoming independent!
And when it isn't misogynist, it's everything else, ranging from having plot holes and Character Derailment to Critical Research Failures and the senseless deaths. Mix all those ingredients in, and you have a disaster unlike any other.
Now, as this story focuses on the world of Harry Potter (as you can see by the title and the beginning quote on top of here), I will admit that I do have some knowledge of the series. I have read the books and watched the films, and it's a solid story with interesting characters and exciting conflicts. Of course, it's a Base Breaker, which is to be expected given that it's so popular.
With this story, expect all those good things about the Harry Potter series get thrown right out the window. But the question remains. Will it make My Immortal
standard for all Harry Potter badfics to be measured, look like Shakespeare in comparison?
Well, we'll find out as we dive right into...
We meet Michael, and like Jerry, he is a Prayer Warrior. So what is his mission as Jerry and his Prayer Warriors do battle against the Greek Gods (and some Roman because the writer doesn't give a shit)? He will go to Hogwarts and try to convert the students to Christianity. Or kill them because they're Satanists. Whatever works.
Before Michael leaves, Jerry tells him the mission. Not only will he convert them to Christianity (or resort to murder), he'll also check to see if the English government is corrupted thanks to Dumbledore. And what does this version do? No, not yell out "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!", but he allows all those witches, wizard, Muggles, and Squibs (just the former two, though) to worship Satan. And said students do dark rituals, too, such as dancing naked in the rain in order to kill Christians.
Um...remember that a fraction of the students are preteens. Take a moment to let that sink in. And scream. Also, try the Brain Bleach.
And Jerry gives Michael a list of things to do. In no particular order...
- He must go to Platform 9 3/4 (here known as "that Satanic wall") and pretend to be a wizard. He...does realize that Muggles also go to the school, does he not?
- Once there, he can't make Potions or cast a spell, for all those are sinful against God. (Sounds like he'll have a fun time with Snape!)
- Also, another thing. Is anyone else bothered by God not allowing him to use magic, but he's a-OK with him pretending to be a wizard?
- If he does any of those Satanist witchcraftery (just go with it), he must pray to God.
- Also, he must read the Bible every day unless if he wants God to send him to Hell because...he forgets His words. Yes.
With all that said, Michael heads off to a plane to England. While there, he prays to God and reads the Bible. When he arrives, he goes through Platform 9 3/4 and goes to a train. Hey, did you know that the train the Hogwarts students ride on is made of bones made out of dead Christian martyrs, those who defended Hogwarts back where the Holy Catholic Church was the one true church until Henry VIII started his own Church? No? Well, you do now, because the writer said so!
...I'm thinking that if such a train is made out of that, then no Hogwarts student would ride it. Not even anyone from Slytherin.
And not just because of the religion thing, but possibly because it is too creepy.
The story ends with Michael meeting Ginny Weasley. Sweet girl, right? Pfft, she's a witch, so she must be a Satanist.
Let's move onto Chapter 2.
We have a short Author's Note, and Thomas' brother, Noah, is writing the chapter. Let's see how this guy writes.
As Michael meets Ginny, he's sweaty. Why? To him, she's hot. Wait...what? Um...let's move on. She pats him on the back and offers him a potion to drink to make him feel better.
You guessed it, he says "no". At least here, we're not bothered by long tracts about why this is evil or why that's not Christian. Yet.
Michael ponders a question, and he asks her what Dumbledore's like. She replies that he's great. Why? He allows them to stay up and take drugs such as marijuana. Also, he has a long beard. That makes him look evil
Okay, first off, Hogwarts has a curfew of sorts, and students can't stay up unless if they're escorted by a teacher. Secondly, Hogwarts never mentioned anything about drugs. This is just some tacked-on addition to show that yes, Hogwarts is bad, m'kay? Third...just because he has a long beard doesn't mean that he's evil.
Anyway, Michael lies by admitting that being wicked is great, and he likes to be evil. Okay...and Ginny is happy, for there needs to be more support. What kind?
Well...she really can't say right now, for they're in public. And the chapter ends with them heading to Hogwarts.
The ending Note has Noah apologize for the shortness, because he's home-schooled and has work to do. Unfortunately, Thomas will be back.
Okay, well, so far, there hasn't been much tracts. Sure, the inconsistencies are there, but so far, there aren't multiples of winding speeches.
I'm still keeping my expectations low, though.
So is Dumbledore as bad as they say? What will Michael find out about the school? And will I continue my sanity?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!