Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 6: The Same Author Tracts But More
Previously, the plot finally
went somewhere. Unfortunately, it all led to one anticlimatic battle with Jerry defeating Percy with the power of
God's mercy. And after that, more non-plot happens with Percy converting Rachel and her family.
Sadly, there are still more chapters in which there aren't any plots, just...tracts. Lots and lots of tracts. So for the sake of the liveblog, I'll just try to summarize them as best as I can.
We're halfway through, so let's continue with...
The author's notes has the guy shouting about, you guessed it, how he's not a troll, but he's for real, dammit. So more of the same. Why am I still summarizing that
? Eh. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.
Okay, okay, so there's one added bit about how there are good bands. Such as the Beatles. I suppose the guy hasn't heard of the infamous "Bigger than Jesus" deal that John Lennon stated. Otherwise, I'd imagine that he would flip his shit over that
. Anyway, he goes on to state that "Let it Be", the song, is a prayer to God and how they're telling their life story.
...um...actually, the inspiration came from Paul McCartney having a dream about his mom, who died when he was fourteen years old. During the tense times in which the group suffered through (I mean, hell, the album the song was on? It was released sometime after their breakup!), his mom reassured him that everything will be all right, and he should, of course, let it be. There is nothing
that says anything about how it's a prayer to God. Reworking the origin story for your own twisted purposes...that makes you an idiot.
Also, did you know that the Bible has nothing cut out, and the Quran did? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so!
The chapter begins proper with the POV switched back to Jerry. This chapter and the next are actually relatively short, so it's kind of a good thing. That said, it has him making a speech. In it, to summarize, the Prayer Warriors must get ready for the battles that will happen. They must destroy the Greek Gods first...then the Roman Gods.
Um...why is it that you want to kill the Roman Gods? They haven't done anything!
Oh, and did you know that Constantine defeated those evil
Roman Gods and allowed Jesus to be the ruler for all time? Well, you do now, because the author said so! That's right, forget about the fact that he succeeded other Roman Emperors and converted to Christianity himself, becoming the first Emperor to do so, and forget about all those times where he successfully defended against other enemy factions.
Now it's time for the Prayer Warriors to focus on every single evil thing in the world. And how would they continue to do that? Well, Michael (the guy who warned Jerry that Mary was impregnated by Percy, seriously, how the hell did he do that?) is going to England in order to warn people about the witches and wizards, and also to destroy Hogwarts.
That's right, this chapter is a Sequel Hook
for the next story. And yes, The Prayer Warriors
is a fucking series, if the mentioning of one of the other stories in one previous installment didn't tip you off. And yes, you can weep for humanity now.
Because Michael is far, far away from where Jerry and the others are at, they will support him in prayer. And, of course, we get a good-old-fashioned Breaking the Fourth Wall
with Jerry saying that his story will be told in another in the hopes of converting more people.
Or, in this
case, snark at and inflict myself in more pain than humanely possible.
...which means that I'm going to be stuck as a man until that
story's done, aren't I?
The chapter ends, and of course, the writer mentions that the second story shall be written. It'll be called "Battle With the Itches"—I mean, "Witches". Though wouldn't it be more hilarious if it was written about an itching epidemic?
"Why art thou scratching thyself? Begone, vile demon, and let this person be HEEEEEEEEEALED!"
(Deus ex Machina!)
"Oh, thank you! Now, thanks to you and God, Stan will never allow me to scratch myself ever again!"
One can only dream...then again, it would be worse than it sounds, for it would take such things seriously.
The Author's Notes has the writer stating that the Harry Potter fans will realize the evils
in the book, and it should be enough for them to convert. Otherwise, bye-bye, you're going to Hell! Someone should tell this guy that it's fiction, of course it's make-believe.
...stories like these really make, say, stories like Batman: Fortunate Son
look nuanced in comparison. And that comic was funny in an unintentional way.
The POV switches again
to Percy, who is teaching Rachel a valuable lesson on how God shall not be mocked. And once again, he repeats that he was evil, but now he's like St. Paul. As if we didn't already know.
He also plans to talk to Rachel's dad. Why? He sinned against God. How? Even though he's baptized, he...well...I don't want to say anything else to scare away viewers.
We get a list of when to pray and when it's okay and not okay. Let the author count the ways.
- You can pray at home! But if some people aren't okay with that, kick them out!
- You can pray at school! If the teachers and/or students aren't cool with that, make them leave, the prospect of getting yourself expelled be damned!
- You can pray at work! But if someone complains, if you're not the boss, who gives a shit if you work for a six-figure amount? Quit!
- If you're the boss, and if they don't pray, fire them!
- If the police doesn't want you to pray, still do it, anyway! Even if you go to prison for that? What? That's not the way the law works? Screw that, you'll be praised for your courage!
...there are so
many things wrong with that speech that it'll take a long, long time to point them out. So let's just skip the inevitable rant and move on, with Percy going to Tyson.
As he tries to convert his friend, Tyson refuses. So what happens? He gets stoned. To death. Percy decides that God won't allow a nonbeliever—excuse me, "nonbelieber" (so, wait, he doesn't believe in Justin Bieber?), to live, and the chapter ends with him moving onto a camp. For it's time for them to warn about Satan lest they suffer.
And the author ends it all by saying that there's no way that he'll delete it, and yes, we should convert before...ugh, do I really have to say this? Seriously, it's so redundant that if you would do a drinking game, you'll die of alcohol poisoning due to the shots taken because the author tells us that we'll go to Hell.
So we end this installment. We still have four more installments left. Will Percy manage to convert the camp to Christianity? Will Jerry defeat all those false gods? And will Michael manage to beat the witches and wizards—wait, wrong story. Eh, screw it. Cut to the ending Catch Phrase!
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!