Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 4: Fun With More Padding--OH SNAP!
If the previous three installments didn't scare you off, well, here's a recap of what happened last time: anvilicious tracts, murder, more tracts, Percy and the devil planning something, Mary and Jerry getting married, and tracts.
This...has got to be one of the most plotless, offensive things I've ever read. At this point, the whole "Jerry vs. Percy" thing is like an Excuse Plot
for the writer so he can use his tracts.
So let's continue with...
The Author's Notes has the writer, you guessed it, telling people that he's not a troll, no sirree bob. Oh, and he also tells them to not say anything wrong with "the greatest story ever".
...yeah. You know what? I agree with him. It really is the greatest story ever.
It is the greatest story to show how stereotyping, misogynist attitudes, and holier-than-thou Knight Templars are godawful and shouldn't be needed in this day and age.
The entire chapter, believe it or not, has Jerry speaking to his followers. Wait...wasn't he supposed to go after Percy? What the hell is he doing there?
Talk about dragging things on even after they reached their expiration date.
Oh, and speaking of plot holes, Mary didn't have sex with Jerry after all. Wait...what the hell? Well, that kind of rendered that useless.
Come to think of it, pretty much the entire chapter is pointless, as we get more tracts that really don't advance the story a hell of a lot. In fact, cut out all the tracts, tone down the demonization, and make the story a lot more coherent, and you'll get a story that's lots of chapters shorter.
However, as I'm a glutton for punishment, I'll just summarize the speech.
First, Jerry states that the law should be used by all, and he believes in gun control—I mean "gum control". Which is pretty damn scary, considering that if possible, the writer would try to go nuts and indeed off anyone who isn't Christian. After all, we did get so much glimpses of his personality.
Secondly, loyalty to God (or as he puts it, "lawalty to hog"—so, wait, hogs have laws now?) is the most important law, and it goes on to say that these false gods are sinful, including Zeus and Venus (it's Hera
, dammit!), who are apparentally...lovers and mothers? No, just...no. Yeah, it's true that Zeus did have a Mr. Seahorse thing going on when Athena was born, but...seriously?
Third is one of the most hypocritical things ever muttered in this fanfic. He claims that they don't kill because they're good, but Percy does. Wait, what the fuck? So I guess Grover offed himself twice, Clarisse sliced her hair for no reason, and lots of other stuff. You, sir, are a fucking hypocritical moron. In fact, earlier on, you claimed to kill in the name of God, so...
...this fucking fanfic and reality don't often meet. Have I mentioned that already?
Fourth, stealing is a crime. And hey, who gives a shit about if the family's starving and a kid tries to get a loaf of bread? OFF WITH YOUR HANDS, BITCH! Have I also mentioned that it seems like this guy wants life back several dozen millennia? Which is pretty stupid?
Fifth, lying is a crime and must be punished (or published—fuck, magazines sell lies all the time, so it's perfect!) by stoning. Yes, stoning. Because, like stealing and killing, there's no need for the police to be involved!
Finally, it all concludes to a prayer.
Jerry: "Prey for all the nonbelievers for they do not know what they are doing to us, let them see the way so that they can become unsinful people, if not they should be punished with flames of hurl. Believe at as a warning to you all for you must be published for all you sins for it is an offensive to Good. Believe it so and you will get a eternal life at the revelation that John forward telled in his epic work Resolution (read it for answer in the after life, and the punishment of sinners, for it all is ture). And so it all ends."
In other words, time for some more Insta-Convert.
See? Pointless, right? So when do we get to the battle—
Oh, wait. There's one more thing I forgot to mention. The chapter ends with Mary telling Jerry that she's pregnant.
How in the hell did she become pregnant if the writer claims that they didn't have sex? What, did they dance around, hearts formed, and bam, they have a baby?
I just don't...
We're going to have another mostly-pointless scene, aren't we? We're still going to pad this out until the final battle occurs, aren't we?
The notes state the same damn thing. He's not a troll, if we don't repent, we go to Hell, actually, wait. He says that he never said that he was one. So aside from mentioning that he believes Conservapedia, didn't he say that since he had two personalities/names, he is a troll?
...I hate this fanfic.
And he goes on to say that there are some people who won't burn in Hell, and lists them. But wait, there's more!
"I tell you all, there are people that will not burn in hell! These people will not burn in hell, for they are been blessed in the ways of Christ: WolvesRule612, Fulcon, Cimh, Agent Aleu, the holy bwobble for he has supported me, and Lisa`s Hope, the new St Paul who turned away from sinful ways of being an atheist, but seeing the light and believe in the one true God and his son the Eternal Jesus, son of the only true God. There are many more who will see the ways of heaven, but many will suffer the pains of hell for believing in a false lie, such as Mr Rowling, who is a man because women should never be able to speak, they must obey their husbands at all cost, and if they do not have a husband, they should follow their father, for it is their father that brought them into the world, just like what God did in the Book of Genesis, which for all your uneducated Atheists is the first book in the Bible. You should read it, and you will understand the true love God gave to use by creating this world for us to live in."
Okay. List of names aside, this has a lot more misogyny than ever before. As stated in the previous installment, J.K. Rowling is not a man. No matter how much you
say it, Thomas. Secondly, women should never be able to speak? They always have to obey their husbands? Um...you're really setting the feminist stuff back many years. Because women are as equal as men. And women's dads were the ones who brought them into the world? Apparentally, there's no need for women to give birth, all you need to do is to let a man get pregnant, and the rest happens naturally!
No wonder why I've been force-transformed into a man. Because had I remained female, I would have been greatly insulted. Actually, a lot more than right now. Enraged to the point where I honestly would tell the guy off.
Then again, he would never listen to me, for women are incapable of doing rational things, according to him.
Anyway, the story begins with Mary revealing that she's carrying a boy, so it'll be named after him. Egotistical or what? But instead of being happy, Jerry is annoyed because Mary spoke. Why? As John once said (again, according to him), "women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak". After all, he read the Bible, he's an expert, dammit!
So Mary is resting in her room and has to do women's stuff like...making clothes
. Because guys aren't capable of doing that! What an idiot. And the sexist stuff is hurting my brain.
Also, instead of, you know, caring for his wife and the baby, Jerry teaches more to other people. He claims that he's wise like King Solomon. Um...I got nothing. I will say this, though, "of the same royal line as our Lord and Savour Jesus Christ, the only begotten son of the only God Jesus"? So...
I would make a mention of how Jesus is his own dad, but I wish to not offend anyone.
we get the plot moving with Percy and his dad, Zeus (wait, I thought that Percy's the son of Poseidon!) warning Jerry that they'll attack him with no remorse. And after being told off, they fled to England.
So what does Jerry do after that? Hide to the nearest town's church for a week. After warning them. Why? So he could hide.
What a coward. A hypocritical, unlikable coward.
As he hid, he realized who the real traitor was. It was Ethan. You know, the guy who decided not to listen to Nirvana ever again? Well, he's still a Satanist. And after the week's up, he'll save his followers from Ethan.
...how the fuck did Jerry know about the traitor?!
And, more importantly, remember how he killed Thalia? That made her death completely fucking pointless!
And we get another author tract.
"And other people will be saved also, like Mel Gibson, for he put his woman in her place and for making a great movie about our lord and savvier Jesus Christ, and Christ Brown, for we both share the same surname, but not the same Christian name, and he also knows where to put his woman in her place."
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Those two men had their careers destroyed
when they "placed women in their places". Mel Gibson was infamous for being fucking insane, and his rant to his girlfriend ruined any chances of him ever having a comeback. And Chris fucking Brown
?! You're praising him for beating up Rihanna
?!? Honestly, I feel that he isn't punished enough, as he still continues to make songs about how bad the girlfriends are to him interspersed with...other shitty songs, but...I don't want to make a tract about how much of an awful human being Chris is. So if you're curious, go to Todd in the Shadows and watch reviews of Chris' works.
And the chapter ends with how many others can be saved, and the list is long, but all nonbelievers will be punished. Yeah, I got nothing.
So Part 4 comes to an end, and next time, we finally get the battle! Will Percy defeat Jerry? Will Jerry use his Insta-Convert or make a Curb-Stomp Battle
? And will I ever calm down from these Berserk Buttons?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!