Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 2: Killing, Plotting, and More Hypocritical Passages
Previously on the liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, we met our protagonist, Jerry, and his friends. Forming "the Prayer Warriors", they end up deciding to kill pretty much everyone. It should be mentioned that thus far, none of the characters they meet even have a chance to be converted. Hell, it even has such a misogynist streak that it was disgusting, thus, I was turned into a man.
...and a very attractive one, at that.
So let's continue onto the realms of WTF with...
Before the story begins, we have our obligatory author's notes.
Believer in Christ: Who will burn in hell?
Jesus Christ: Anyone that curse ye profits such as you.
Believer in Christ: Yes, and this includes lazorboy96, JzeHampen, G.J. Forever and PorschePower911. You will burn in hell for mocking me.
Jesus Christ: I will make sure that this comes true. Amen.
Long story short, more people called Believer in Christ out for writing a horrible story, and he decides that those people are going to Hell for the crime of...mocking him. Disproportionate Retribution
, thy name is Believer in Christ.
"We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags." — Isaiah 64:6
The chapter begins with the Prayer Warriors celebrating over the death of Osama bin Laden. A short tract later follows with the narrator stating that mass murderers...should never be allowed to be born at all, and that his mom should have killed him after he was born.
Um...by stating that mass murderers should never be born at all, you do
realize that you
fall in that category, Jerry? You and all of your friends? And no, I don't care that you're killing in the name of God. Killing is still fucking killing
. Seriously, if it was not a pro-Catholic propaganda story, you could be arrested, tried, and convicted of murder.
And secondly, why state that Osama's mother should kill him when he was born? Did she have any idea on what he was going to grow up as? That's...just...
Anyway, it gives the Prayer Warriors a chance to pray for the death of those evil
Muslims and the other evil
nonbelievers and sex addicts. Because it doesn't matter what they
believe in, no, it means that all of them are going straight to Hell.
You know, at this point, I'm pretty much convinced that this guy is either a member of that infamous church that shall not be named (hint: it's in the Permanent Red Link Club
, and look it up on Google) or a wannabe member.
"And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made." — Exodus 32:35
Jerry and Mary (which the story loves to remind us yet again, because we poor, poor viewers have forgotten about that tidbit
, that she's named after the Virgin Mary) then read from the Bible, this time learning about a short passage from the book of John. What's it about? Well, wouldn't you know it, it talks about false teachers and how to ignore them!
I got nothing.
"I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words." — 3 John 10
And so, preparing for the big battle, they eventually meet up with Percy Jackson...somewhere. And we get another tract with the author telling us that if we don't support Israel, we're pretty much going to Hell, anyway.
...ugh. Freaking tracts...is there some
semblance of a plot that doesn't involve murdering everyone and being all Knight Templar
And so, before the battle starts, Jerry spouts off a "bald" speech (that would make Patrick Stewart facepalm tenfold) about how his God's good, and Percy will be sent to the bowels of Hell. But wait! What's this? Jerry's offering Percy a chance to be saved? And all he has to do is to say the prayer that was mentioned in the last chapter. Goody, more copypasting.
However, Percy refuses, and Jerry tries to kill him. Percy flees by disappearing in a cloud of smoke, which is pretty cliche. Jerry then realizes that someone is betraying him!
What traitor? You showed that pretty much everyone was willing to go through with the plan! And this is the first of many, many plotholes in this fic.
"But Jesus said unto him, Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?" — Luke 22:48
The chapter ends with Jerry telling the Prayer Warriors a story about Judas and how he betrayed Jesus Christ. He can't find his own traitor, so he ends up sleeping scared. Whoever the traitor is, he'll get...him or her. I guess.
And hey, how about if we close it on some author's notes?
Believer in Christ: You are all traitors for mocking me and God and his eternal right hand son in the kingdom of heaven.
Jesus Christ: Yes you are right, they are traitors and they will get a traitor punishment. They will be sent to the lowest parts of hell, where it is the hottest. It will be heat that will kill them. Amen and amen.
...you know, Jesus, it isn't too late to turn on Believer in Christ and call him out on this shit. Having said that, though, I doubt it would do him any good. Because in one of his recent stories, a chapter has him declaring that he would commit suicide by shooting himself with his dad's gun if he doesn't get a good review on the story.
Um...I'm sure that Christianity forbids suicide, and if you do...don't you
go to Hell for that?
Anyway, let's continue on with...
This time, we don't get some dialogue from Jesus and the writer. Instead, the author himself calls out everyone for mocking him, and we shall burn in Hell—I mean "gell". But not if we repent. Okay...
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it." — Matthew 7:13-14
But hey, let's stop the plot and talk about evil
influences. About how Harry Potter allowed witches and witchcraft to exist, and how it and the Percy Jackson
series are corrupting the youth. The author is warning everyone about the flames of Hell that we're about to go into, and he's doing this for our own good. Um...yeah, forget about the life lessons that we're taught, apparentally, it doesn't matter as long as witchcraft and magic plague both series.
Wow. Just wow.
Plus, did you know that Buddist people kill innocents in airplane crashes? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so!
...excuse me. This, with so many other things...I have a heavy-duty wall to demolish. (slams his head into a wall several times
Okay. I'm better now. Oh, wait. We can't continue the plot, for we're now talking about how most music is evil.
First up, they talk about Nirvana
Jerry: "Nirvana is the most evil band ever to walk the earth. Not only did they name after a satanic way of thought, but they cause the death of many innocent people, due to the suicide of the coward Jurk
Cobain. Their music is too loud, and they have evil Lyric such as 'God is gay' (God and Jesus Christ, my lord and savoury, please forgive me for what I have just said. Please don't send me to hell). This is offensive to God and his eternal Son. Kurt Cobain only realised that he was being controlled by Satan at the last moment, so he killed himself. But because that was a sin, and cause millions of children to do the same thing, he is burning for eternality in hell. Do not one of the you listen to such evilness."
That's right. Forget about the fact that they single-handedly wiped Glam Rock off the face of concert halls and arenas everywhere. Forget about how mad successful they are. Hell, forget about all those crazy-ass conspiracy theories about Kurt's death.
Seriously, first off, saying that their music is too loud can easily apply to any other artist. And did they seriously say "God is gay"? It sounds like one of those "play the music backwards, and you'll hear subliminal messages" sort of things. Third, want to know why they chose the name? Kurt Cobain stated that he wanted a name that sounded beautiful or nice instead of angry and negative.
About the only "evil" thing they ever did was that they're directly responsible for allowing Nickelback
to exist. And even then, that's not a good reason to go to Hell.
Oh, and you know about how I mentioned about the writer stating that he would commit suicide? Guess what, he pretty much called Kurt out for that, too. Hypocritical much?
Ethan, another one of Jerry's friends, stated that he would never listen to them again. Okay...apparentally Jerry has that Insta-Convert thing going on here. Wait, why am I now noticing this?
And it isn't just Nirvana who's painted evil, let's listen to Jerry's opinions on Green Day
"Yes, and now another musicians that are bad is Green Day. They rejected Precedent George Bush and support the evil Obama, the antichrist. And they rejected the holy war in the middle, which resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden, one of the Satan's main servents, now binging in hell. And the reject Christ and called America an idiot. Surely these beasts deserves to go to the depths of hel."
...I...don't think this needs any explanation. Why? Telling about how wrong this person is makes my brain hurt. I will say this...that's just one fucking album.
Why base them off of just one album?
With those speeches, everyone is amazed. However, Jerry is tortured. Who is the traitor? Though he says that killing a Christian is a sin...and he also says that killing
is a sin. Um...pick a side, you idiot!
"Now therefore, behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all the false prophets, and the LORD hath spoken evil concerning thee." — 1 Kings 22:23
Later, Thalia walks up to Jerry and wept that she didn't want to follow Satan's ways. But how does he respond? By killing her.
Dude...what the fuck? How did you even know that she was the traitor?
This story is fucked.
And so, the Prayer Warriors prepared to do battle against Percy Jackson and his army of non-believers. And we get another tract in which if they died, then no one would be there to kill the non-believers. And had the traitor survived, she would have taught evil ways and killed. Because killing is wrong unless it's for defending the faith, m'kay?
...gah. Are we done with this chapter yet?
Back at the temple of Percy Jackson, he decides to get ready for the battle against the Prayer Warriors, and he summons two Bianca di Angelos, two Nico di Angelos, and Grover—wait, what?
Isn't the guy dead in the first chapter? How the fuck did he survive?!
Anyway, plot hole aside, our chapter finally ends here. And we get an author's note about how people can be saved.
There is nothing
that can redeem him from this. And it's only going to get worse.
Will the Prayer Warriors defeat Percy Jackson? Will we get an explanation of how Grover came back from the dead? And will I try to survive this fanfic?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!