Chuck Austen Meets Chick Tracts: The Fanfic--Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
Part 1: The Genesis of the Shitty Fanfic
Hello, livebloggers and readers.
From the batshit insane mind that brought you the completed Kickboxing Academy
and Pooh's Adventures of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
and the unfinished Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue
, A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy
, and Forever Mine
comes...well, to borrow a phrase from Monty Python:
"And now for something completely different..."
Yes, if you're wondering why I said that, I'm actually going to liveblog a fanfic. And...well, glancing upon that, it's basically what happens if Chuck Austen read Percy Jackson and the Olympians
and decided to rehash his infamous X-Men
plot (you know, the one where Nightcrawler becomes Pope, Catholics believe in the Rapture, and exploding communion wafers). Or Percy Jackson and the Olympians
meets Chick Tracts.
I will admit, I have never read (or even saw the movie of) Percy Jackson and the Olympians
, having glanced through summaries in This Very Wiki. However, I will also admit to having a liking of Greek Mythology. I've been so fascinated by such stories and how it ties into Greek history (as I'm an admitted history buff). But that would be for another time.
As the chapters are pretty short, I'll do them two chapters at a time. However...this one...this has twenty chapters
. All filled with how evil
the Greek Gods are (but, you know, not in that way
), how women are whores (yes, really), and, like Chucky Austen here, peppering Bible quotes in the passages.
If the women-bashing becomes horrible, I swear to God, I'll become a man.
I shall warn you now that this story deals with hot-topic stuff (religion, obviously), the stuff that Internet Backdrafts
are made of. So if you're not the sort who handles such things, you might want to turn away now.
So let's begin with...
The story begins with this little talk between the writer, Believer in Christ, and Jesus.
Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!
Jesus: Hello my son.
Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.
Jesus: Yes my son.
Jesus: Yes my son.
As we're about to see, though, even Jesus Christ and God would be utterly displeased with what this writer's about to, well, write. Aren't we taught to love one another and, you know, not slander or kill anyone? But I digress.
And we get our obligatory disclaimer
: "Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer." Yeah...even if it it's "evil", it should have a disclaimer. The author should be given credit, you do realize that, right?
We get our title after that: "Being Together the Army". I'm not even going to bother snarking on that one. Though I should warn you now, prepare yourselves for an endless barrage of grammatical errors.
The chapter opens with a quote from Proverbs 16:18: "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall". Well, I'd almost say that it sums up the entire story and the author in a nutshell.
We meet Jerry, the Prayer Warrior who hates the evil
Percy Jackson and his army of Greek Gods. He says that he'll stop at nothing to destroy the evil Gods, as he's a servant of the Lord—excuse me, "servent". Which means that he's both a server and a client to a network. (Thanks, Google!)
...oh, shit. It is a play on "serva
Anyway, because Percy and his Greek Gods have taken over the land (uh...why? And how did they take over the land?), and because his girlfriend's a whore who pleasures everyone just to get some cash (um...that is not an explanation), it gives Jerry a reason to form a team of Christians and defeat them.
Oh, and did you know that the Greek Gods are false and are created by Satan as a lie in order to poison people's minds? Because the story said so. Yeah, um...except for the part where the ancient Greeks worshipped them. And I guess all those myths and the various media that featured them are tainted forever, by your logic, Believer in Christ.
"Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise." –- Deuteronomy 12:30
By the way? Get used to these passages being used nearly all the damn time. Because it's one of those
Jerry meets Mary, who the writer tells us is named after Jesus' mother. As if we already didn't know. And we get this gem: "I and her are not dating, if you Satanic scum think that there is something Satanic going on. We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married."
First off, it's "We" or "she and I". Preferrably the former. Secondly...um...decide, damn you, on whether you guys are dating or not! Apparentally, to him, dating is both just regular get-togethers like going to the movies or out to dinner and
having lots of fun sex times. And if so...my brain hurts, so I'll sum it up: say that you guys aren't having sex, but yes, you are dating. In fact, that first sentence there is clearly unwanted and unneeded. So there you go.
...ugh. (headdesk) And it just goes worse from there, if it hasn't already been there.
Mary asks Jerry if he has been doing the Lord's biddings, and he says "yes". Then they read the book of Genesis and talk about how awesome God is for creating a world they live in. Except...at times, he was kinda a Jerkass God, too. Now, I'm not saying that he's evil, oh, no. He tended to do some Disproportionate Retribution
back then, as all gods have done.
But as we soon shall see, this isn't just a nice, pleasant talk about religion, as biased as it is.
"He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him." — Proverbs 18:13
Because they also talk about sex gods such as Zeus and...Venus? Um...dude, Venus was in Roman
mythology. Not Greek. If you want your anti-other-religion/pro-Catholic propaganda to be truthful and scary, get it right!
...then again, asking him to get it right would be just as scary, if not moreso.
Anyway, apparentally sex gods are part of these false gods, which is against the Ten Commandments. And, yes, they're created by Satan. So with all this talk, what do they decide to do? Yep, you guessed it, create an army against them! Or at least Percy Jackson.
Jerry: "I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army. This is America which is a Christian nation, so Satanist, athesit
, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation. We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, if they agree to being a fellow Christian. Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ."
...there is just so much fail in this paragraph that it would be enough to make the universe explode. First, America is a fucking free nation
. Anyone is welcome here. And anyone can be free to worship what they want.
Secondly, even God-fearing folk don't make those of other religions slaves and force-convert them to Christianity. You know what time period did that? From the fucking twelth century to the nineteenth century.
From the Spanish Inquisition to the House of Tudor executing those who didn't believe in their chosen religions, and even the Crusades, these people did whatever they could to expel those who didn't believe in their faith, and those were terrible times to be any other religion.
And even if you forced them to be Christian, who's to say that they would resume their old ways? Back in Spain, when Jews and other religions were converted into Christians, thus becoming conversos
, even the others believed that the converted ones weren't true Christians, thus thinking that their blood's forever tainted. Ever thought about that? On second thought, don't.
...and the worst part? We're not through with this first chapter yet.
"Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children." — Isaiah 13:18
So because Jerry wants to bring glory to God, Mary decides that it's best to show him her Christian friends. And we get into this needlessly long bit about the fact that since she's dressed nice (hair pulled back, wearing a long skirt that covers her legs), she must be good. What time period does this guy live in, the fucking fifteenth century?
Oh, and they get some news that one of Percy's friends is in the area. Why? He would force people to believe in false gods and do rituals that allow them to get naked and kill. I'm pretty sure that this falls under "Character Derailment".
Say, how about two passages for the price of one?
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness." — Leviticus 18:19
"But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die." — Deuteronomy 18:20
...so if you got all that, Grover, who apparentally believes in nature gods (i.e. Pan) and has horns on his head (which means, I guess, that even unicorns, trolls, and any ponies who have unicorn horns on their head are fucked), is screwed.
Which, as soon as he opens his mouth and spouts off how Pan and Satan are more awesome than God and Jesus Christ, is proven true. Ladies and gentlemen, our Idiot Plot
is officially kicked off! Thanks, Believer in Christ!
"He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed." —Exodus 22:20
But wait! It gets worse! Jerry, Mary, and Ruth pray for God to strike Grover down...which he does in the form of locusts
—excuse me, "locus". And...they eat Grover, leaving only his brain and his internal organs. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
Trust me on this one, it gets even worse
as it goes on.
"And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left." — Exodus 10:12
So after Grover is dead, the, ahem, Prayer Warriors sacrificed a sheep to God, went back to church and prayed, and read how Paul converted many people to God. (Um...so I guess so many people are Gods
? By the way, it should be "Christianity", not "God".) Yes, this
is what they believe would bring glory to God. By fucking killing everyone in the name of God. What the fuck.
And so Chapter 1 ends with Jerry meeting Mary's friends, thus forming the Order of the Prayer Warriors.
"Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished." — Isaiah 13:16*]]
Okay, okay, the actual chapter
ends here, but we do get some Author's Notes. In which Believer in Christ thanks everyone for reading this and hopes that we, the readers, would be saved. His twisted version of Jesus says that he did well, and Believer in Christ ends the chapter finally
with him thanking the Lord for giving him
live and allowing him to write this.
...and guess what? Despite writing a lot in this first installment, we still have Chapter 2 to go through! So let's get to it!
(Author's Note: You'll need to follow along with the forum topic linked above, as Noah deleted the story.
So we open with another bit of dialogue with Believer in Christ and Jesus.
Believer in Christ: The Holy One has return.
Christ Himself: Yes you have. You have been blessed.
Believer in Christ: And with this blessing I will rid the world demons.
Christ Himself: The unholy ones are thee, Theia47, SonnyGoten, ImagingThings and TheBratMan.
Believer in Christ: Thee have wage war on our lord Jesus Christ and must be ridden!
Chirst Himself: And Alistairlevi13 for serving the dark lord Satan!
Believer in Christ: May all these wevil ones burn in hell! Amen.
Christ Himself: Bless my son.
Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord! Amen and amen.
If you're wondering who the "unholy ones" are, not long after the first chapter was created and uploaded, these people decided to act negatively towards the fic—and rightfully so. The writer pretty much responded in the way you'd expect.
Well, in the first uploading. Because not long after it was listed in the Fanfic section of "So Bad It's Horrible", it was taken down. Coincidence or not? You make the call! However, it's back up again, for all of us to see once more (and so I can finally liveblog/read it in order to tear it a new asshole).
Anyway, enough about the history, and I could go on and on about how Believer in Christ is ridiculous for acting childish (which isn't helping him one iota), but let's continue with the chapter, which is called "Defeating the Whore!"
...and, sadly, this is exactly
what it says on the tin. Weeping for humanity yet? You should be.
"And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire." — Leviticus 21:9
Before that, we get this. "A prayer (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever!): I believe in everyone that is spoken with this holy word, and will follow it so the full command, even ridding the world of those flithly atheist! Amen and amen!"
"Flithly"? "Out load"? But wait, there's more! Here, it talks about the atheists. Nothing about any other religion. Then again, continuity is not its strong point. What are the strong points? An anvilicious approach to how Christianity is awesome and everything else is bad, m'kay, gore, misogyny, and grammatical errors.
Anyway. The Prayer Warriors discuss a plan to defeat the "evil army", but while they do that, once again, the author lets his tracts shine—in parenthesis, no less.
: "Fear all you athiest, jewish, muslim, buddhist and all others that defy this great God that will punish you and send you to hell, where you will burn for in all eternal history, where your body will torn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where you will be eaten by all foul breast. You will all be punish, all of you. God does not put up with such evil things with this God fearing nation. And that nation is not just America, but all of the world. This is God`s world! And you athiest must convert, pray for all your wrong doings, and believe that our lord Jesus Christ is the one and only true God! Amen."
...wow. Just...wow. Apparentally, this writer is damned determined to simply not just be content to scare everyone in the United fucking States with this shit, but the world. The world, where everyone has their own religions to follow. Aren't those differences what makes us special? Also, "foul breast"? Hm...I think I get the message.
Kids, convert to Christianity now, lest you will be eaten by prostitutes and smooooooookin' hotties that haven't taken a shower in months.
...wait, is that wrong?
Anyway, where does the group start? With a study group. Because...apparentally, study groups share evil
things that God hates. Don't you wish your study groups are this unboring?
After that, the study group chants, "All hail Stan!" Stan
? Then they chant half of the things that were kinda copypasted from the Author Tract
, re-worded to fit their Satanic
views. Jerry shows up and announces that he has come to kill everyone in the name of God.
However, Clarisse, yet another victim of Character Derailment-itis, declares on the name of Zeus, the God of Whores—wait, what? It's God of Thunder, you idiot. Anyway, she decides to try to kill them. But that's short-lived as Jerry cuts off her (gasp!) hair.
Oh, no! Not her hair! Whatever shall she do? Oh, wait, it seems that it was supposed to be her head
. And yes, you guessed it, Jerry and his band of idiots kill everyone. Their bodies are left to rot, and guards are assigned to protect them at all costs. Why? They can't be removed to be buried.
...one and a half chapters into this mess, and I've pretty much realized that this is one of many, many reasons why people don't like Christianity all that much. Which is sad, because there are
good Christians out there. They're just lumped with the crazies, like the writer.
"The memory of the just is blessed: but the name of the wicked shall rot." — Proverbs 10:7
So after that, they head over to the temple of Artemis. Hey, did you know that she and her daughters kill lambs to the god of whores? No? Well, you do now, because the writer said so!
Once again, Jerry tells everyone that they must be punished. And once again, tracts are beaten into our heads. This time, about how God's the only truth that should be accepted in this day and age. At this rate? Comparing him to Chuck Austen...is an insult to Austen, as bad as he
was. And as nonsensical as his infamous X-Men
story was, at least it didn't have...everyone...attempting...to...convert.
I guess I forgot the part where some members were crucified. Whoops.
Annabeth, Zeus' most faithful whore (or so the story says, really, Zeus didn't even have
faithful whores, and they weren't whores, even), declares that they want to corrupt the youth and cause a war. She then adds that they
were the cause for everything, including the two World Wars, the Iraqi war, and the Vietnam war.
That's right. Forget what you learned in history. Forget about politics playing a factor. Forget about how millions of lives were lost. The cause of everything in the world belongs to those who don't believe in God. Because...well...they don't.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
, and there's...this.
Demonization for the sake of demonization, logic, reasonings, and history fails be damned. Even five-year-old kids can point out mistakes in some of the history.
Anyway, to try to finish this shit up...ugh...after arguing about which ways are better, Jerry does a Curb-Stomp Battle
yet again with him charging after Annabeth, dragging her across a muddy and filthy—I'm sorry, filthful
(what?)—road, and slices her head off with an axe
. And it gets worse. She suffers a cruel and unusual death (in both senses of the phrase) by letting the worms eat her alive, not letting her brain to survive.
So, if you got that so far, apparentally women don't deserve to be...oh, God, what the fuck
seriously what the fuck...
After the whore is dead, the Prayer Warriors celebrated. No, obviously, they don't drink nor have sex. They sang hymns and prayed to God. And so Chapter 2 ends with the writer letting us know that priests don't have sex, so the church isn't in trouble. Because, you know, it's holy and will be obeyed by everyone.
...God...this is disgusting. I-I can't take it, I honestly can't! The main characters are worse than any other Complete Monster
of a villain! And this is the first installment, to boot! I've seen horrible things, especially in the first few parts, but I managed to shrug it off. This? I can't! Even the misogynist approach this vile fanfic uses...GAH! If only there was a way for me to continue on—
(magic happens, and I'm turned into a tall, brunette-haired, toned-up man with shorter hair and a deep, resonating, heroic voice)
There is a God. :)
Anyway...now that I got my Heroic Resolve
, will I survive the fanfic? Who will the Prayer Warriors kill next? And what is
it, exactly, that makes Percy Jackson so evil?
Awaken that soul on the next livebloggening of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods!