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LadyMomus2012-02-21 14:32:27

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Chapter 35: So Bad That I Had to Resort to Image Macros

The next day, Tookie and her friends are talking in their dorms. Tookie points out that Zarpessa wasn't in her bed.

"She's probably still in the FEDS," Dylan whispered. "Givin' a Zar-Opressa Madwoman of Modelland performance. I bet they put her mean butt in some wild-animal restraints. What I wouldn't give for a CaraCaraCara picture of that!"

Dylan, shut up. I already want to see you die horribly.

But enough about worrying about Zarpessa! Let's go back to awkward relationship drama! Bravo raps on the window.

"Hello, my favorite Bella!" he called to Tookie, his voice muffled through the glass.

Dylan grabbed Tookie's wrist and squeezed. Shiraz swooned. Even Piper looked flustered and flushed.

Gee, portraying everyone as acting brain dead whenever they're near a hot boy sure is empowering!

Dylan reminds Tookie that they aren't supposed to have boys in the dorms "especially not fine, sexy tenders like Bravo!" I think Tyra may be hinting that Bravo is attractive. It's hard to tell with all the talk of how perfect he is.

Tookie's friends leave so Tookie and Bravo can be alone.

"You're following me, aren't you?" Tookie said, realizing there was a touch of flirtation in her voice. She didn't even know she knew how to flirt. "I saw you outside the CaraCaraCara boat again. Three times in one week, huh?

"OMG, you're stalking me! That is so hot!"

Bravo admits to following her.

Bravo's lopsided grin snaked its way up the side of his face and right into Tookie's heart.

O_O

I am now picturing Bravo's mouth turning into a snake, crawling up his face and then embedding itself into Tookie's chest. Thanks for that mental image.

"Oh, I hurt my hand during a photo shoot on the roof, and I came here today cuz I needed to have my thumb sucked."

"That wasn't nice," Tookie said, blushing.

"Oh no ... it was." Bravo was the one to swoon this time. "It really was."

Considering the thumb-sucking was a not-so-subtle metaphor for a more X-rated activity, I'm going to need a moment to go bleach my brain.

And quit using the word "swoon!" It's in this book 11+ times, and that's at least 10 times too many.*

Tookie asks why Bravo is stalking her, and he starts talking about how he loves her because she's not conventional. He then asks what's hidden under her flower brooch, trying to move it aside so he can see. Considering the brooch is on her chest . . . BAD TOUCH!

Tookie swats his hand away before he can see the "T O OKE" button she still has. She tells him it's none of his business.

"Well, it's right over my heart."

"YOUR heart? Since when has my body become yours?" Then she laughed. "And come on! That is such a line." But in truth, she loved that he'd just said that. It made her heart beat at warp speed.

Tookie, a guy talking about your body like it belongs to him is A HUGE FREAKING RED FLAG. Get away now.

Bravo smiled sincerely. "You're a good girl, Tookie, and I respect you."

HA!

"I guess it's just wishful thinking, the wanting-your-heart thing ..."

We get some annoying "but how could a guy like you want me" angst while Bravo gushes about how awesome Tookie is and how hard it is to be beautiful.

"These other girls here, they chase after me like I can solve all their problems. It's always been that way for me, not just here, and it sucks. I open my mouth to say hi and women damn near pass out or wanna marry me, and I'm not even old enough to get into a club in LaDorno."

Hear that, Bravo? It's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing for you.

Amazingly, Tookie calls him out on this. He then says that Tookie is different than the other girls because she sees past his "outer shell." Oh, bull crap. Tookie drools over Bravo's looks just as much as the other girls.

Bravo then asks if he can tell Tookie a story. He tells about a young boy named Deco who wanted to be an architect more than anything.

Disclaimer: I swear I am not making any of this story up.

"But no one paid much attention to Deco's beautiful work because there was something that was more striking than his creations: his face."

"No matter where he went, people would stop in their tracks when they saw him."

Then Gary Stu, er, Deco met a conductor of the Philharmonic Orchestra, who composed an entire symphony dedicated to Deco's face. Somehow being stared at and admired by the musicians didn't make Deco miserable because he was so caught up in the architecture of the building.

Then Deco became a teen. A girl fainted seeing him on the first day. No one would pay attention to Deco's architecture ambitions because they were too busy concentrating on how hot he was.

Deco got approached "countless times" to go to Bestosterone but he wasn't interested. Not until he heard two architects talking about the amazing buildings at Modelland. The two architects actually tried to cross the Diabolical Divide just for a chance of seeing the buildings. Naturally, they didn't make it.

"They speculated that the men had caught the first cases of the Pilgrim Plague for men. But only Deco knew the real reason for their fatal excursion."

"This is so intense," Tookie whispered.

Intensely stupid.

Deco wasn't willing to risk his life to see Modelland, but thankfully he was just so Sue-tiful that he could just go to Bestosterone instead.

For anyone who was sleeping through that section: Bravo is Deco.

Bravo then leans forward to get a hair out of Tookie's eye. He touches her face and whispers into her ear.

"I really like this, Tookie. It feels ... right. I know I have to get out of here before you get in trouble but ... I don't want to leave."

His words felt like maple syrup coursing through her veins.

His words made her feel like her blood is fatty and clogged?

Tookie tells Bravo he makes her feel like a Rememba-Girl, like she's beautiful.

"You are beautiful. On the inside and the outside."

This would have a lot more impact if their relationship wasn't so horribly forced. And if Bravo hadn't already admitted to being a stalker. Bravo then tells Tookie that she's beautiful if a "special, unique way."

"You're so different, and deserve someone who will treat you like the unique princess you are. And that's me. Tookie, I don't want anybody else to have you. I guess you can say I'm selfish. I want you all to myself."

Stalking, possessiveness, unwanted physical contact . . . this is like a checklist of warning signs you're in an unhealthy relationship.

"Your first time should be special and tender. And it should be with me."

O.O

"That's awfully bold of you!" Tookie pulled away from him. "I'm just getting to know you! You're claiming my first time already?"

But he's not talking about having sex with her. He's talking about her first kiss. So he's willing to be that possessive about kissing her? This guy is potential serial killer material.

Tookie angsts some more about him being too good for her.

Oh God, I promised myself to Theophilus.

Theophilus already has a girlfriend! What is wrong with you? Where you planning on sabotaging his relationship just so you could have him? Do you realize how severely screwed up that is?

Tookie then tells Bravo that he can be her first (kiss), and he asks if she can be his girlfriend/lady. She says yes.

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait to lose my ... lip virginity to you."

Lip Virginity?

They continue talking like kissing=sex, with Tookie asking if people will be able to tell after she's been kissed. Bravo then tells her he knows the perfect place for their first kiss to be.

"I'll sweep you away, where no one at Modelland can see us," Bravo said. "We'll go on a magical ride down a secret ZipZap that we hid under the new 7Seven stadium and land in the most beautiful fountain in LaDorno."

Gee, so much for the dramatic tension of actually looking for the darn thing. Dropping everything into your protagonist's lap kills all tension.

He tells her he can take her there after ManAttack the next day.

Of course, Tookie doesn't actually tell her new boyfriend that she may be in mortal danger, and that she and her friends need to escape Modelland. Because that would make sense.

Bravo wasn't supposed to tell Tookie about ManAttack happening, but figures that since she's his girlfriend now, he can do that. He says it's to measure Intoxibello potential and see who may develop magical powers.

"Only a few of us every five years or so have Intoxibello powers."

Earlier, Bravo said there was only a one in a million chance of someone from Bestosterone getting magical powers. Unless there are hundreds of thousands of Bestosterone boys, you wouldn't be getting people with powers every five years.

Consistency, what's that?

He then tells Tookie that she'll be one of the competitors. Tookie decides that this is her only chance, so she immediately tells Bravo the situation. He is horrified and agrees to show Tookie and her friends the ZipZap.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's what should have happened. Instead, Tookie decides to lie to him.

"I, um ... I'd love to see the thing that will, um ... lead us to our first kiss."

Bravo agrees, and then Tookie feels so guilty that she decides she has to tell him the truth. Ci~L then storms in, interrupting them. How contrived.

"What in the hell is a Bestostero doing in here?"

"Do you know what happens to girls like you who break the rules? Do you know how much I want to kill you right now?"

Ci~L then makes fire shoot from her fingertips and starts shapeshifting.

Her face morphed from a mixture of Gunnero's and Applaussez's to a gory combination of Chaste's and Zarpessa's. It then shifted to a mishmash of Dylan's, Piper's, Shiraz's, and Tookie's faces, her skin melting, her tendons popping, her eyes blazing bloody red. Steam puffed from her nostrils. She bared sharpened teeth and extended her hands toward them, her razorblade claws extended.

Ooh! Actual danger!

Rather than trying to fight or run, Tookie and her friends back into a corner. Shiraz starts praying - I shudder to think of what kind of religions exist in this world - Dylan starts saying goodbye to her family before promptly fainting. Piper is resigned to death.

Persimmon suddenly appears and drags Ci~L out of the room. Because we can't have exciting things happen to our protagonists. That would be unprecedented.

"I should just burn you alive," [Ci~L] hissed.

Over my dead body, Tookie thought.


Random thought: I don't think the actual text has called the people from Bestosterone "Bestosterone boys" at all, but I don't think I've ever called them anything else.

I ♥ alliteration.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 21st 2012 at 6:17:41 PM
Bravo's lopsided grin snaked its way up the side of his face and right into Tookie's heart.

I... I kind of like this line. *head hang of shame*

But everything else is dumb as balls, thought. Opportunity? What's that?
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 21st 2012 at 8:08:25 PM
I don't blame you for liking that line, lopsided grins just seem attractive for some reason. Hell it's the closest thing to a positive character trait that Edward Cullen ever got. That said, is it just me or does it feel like these romance scenes are a really disturbing look into Tyra Bank's id? Bravo's actions seem less like typical romantic gestures and more like weird fetishes that Tyra has. That thumbsucking thing reeks of infantilism. Hell look at the detailed description she gave of the girls getting covered in gunge during the food chapter. That attention makes me wonder if Tyra has a weird messy girl thing going on.
24.91.69.130 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 22nd 2012 at 9:25:28 AM
Thank you for your blog. It makes the fact that I've read this entire book feel almost worth it. I hope you will also respond to the acknowledgements that Tyra wrote, too. They're...well...please just read and respond to them, too. Love your commentary.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 22nd 2012 at 11:12:46 AM
Maybe Tyra's actually insane. It would explain alot about this book. Maybe sending her to an insane asylum would be a good thing.

Also, other than the Zip Zap thing, this chapter is pointless. Bravo is a psycho as confirmed in this chapter, but the romantic arc seems irrelevant in this story.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 22nd 2012 at 11:09:46 AM
I liked the "snaked its way up the side of his face and into her heart" bit specifically. It's a bit twee, but I like twee wordplay.

You've kinda got a point about the weird fetish, though. I don't want to put on "fetish goggles" or anything, but it does make me wonder...
psycher7 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 1:18:04 PM
Hmm, Bella, stalker (which is of course a sign of true love), rampant Sue-ishness while more interesting supporting characters are ignored...I feel like I've heard this before.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 25th 2012 at 2:40:14 PM
I bet you're refering to twilight. closest thing I can think of.
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