DeadlyPrivate Riff-Along: Tetacolino (Or How I Stopped Caring and Embraced Death)
Ah yes...I remember the day I saw this. I could not believe that this existed... I thought it was a joke. like those Shaun of the Dead sequels...but alas. This is real. This film is literally the WORST thing I have ever seen. I mean it. I really mean it. I am not kidding, nor am I joking. This is worse than Battlefield Earth, Freddy got Fingered, Super Baby Geniuses 1 and 2, and The Room COMBINED.
This is worse than the original film.
...Pray for me.
Oh, and thank Docsane for providing the following videos.
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Oh that's a welcoming sight.
Oh holy, were being presented the first movie all over again!
STOP! Righ-Right there, THATS when I lost hope in humanity, there we go.
I'm glad I am seeing these sweeping shots of the titanic when it is slowly disintegrating down in the grimy deep of the Atlantic, as this IS the sequel.
Well, glad I am being shown the film again. I could have not watched the first one to begin with, as this entire clip summarizes everything in about...a few minutes.
I just realized something...this entire sequence explaining the first movie is not only just padding, but it doesn't even explain the original film! Imagine if you never saw the original (And if you haven't, don't) and these images were the only thing you had to process what is going on.
SEAGULL ASS, TWELVE A'CLOCK!
WOW that's...out of place! And why are the people on obvious private vessel dressed like there in the navy?!
"PERFECT! There a we go! It's ah me, MARIO! "
"...Sorry, I was taking a leak in my pants."
Oooooooo...this is going to be PAINFUL.
First off, why are they wearing life vests when the depth they are going is deep enough to crush them instantly if they need to leave the submarine (Should not call it that).
Secondly, why are they the ones being picked to do...whatever is happening now?! Why would the victims of the Titanic (even IF everyone survived) be picked to be the ones down in the wreck? Wouldn't it traumatize them?!
Finally...why are they the same age? I mean...at the ending scene of the first movie, did they just have a wedding and straight off went on this expedition? What a nice honeymoon!
Why is the DOG wearing a life-Ah fuck it.
Great...they missed the one thing that made smiley unique, and it's the fucking voice.
...Where are my pills?
"Yes, considering that sharks were the ones that destroyed the Titanic to begin with and we are in the same area OF the titanic, I am certain that it's nothing to worry about!"
Who thinks that there will be any cats in this movie? I am saying Ye for cats.
"Hahahah-YOUR STUCK HERE!"
Which...your friends of.
"Haahhaha, oh wait, lots of my family have been eaten by cats and I shouldn't be laughing."
Oh good, I can't wait for this character to slow the movie down in its pacing and dialogue. And if you think I don't mean that, try imagining what has happened in the past...3 minutes.
Oh thank god...by the time he is finished reporting to whoever this "boss" is, the movie will be half over!
...Bull fucking shit.
"And I am certain that it's not those sharks that we can clearly see ramming our vessel. I am a bland and emotionless character."
That...those were worst voices ever. I mean...they literally couldn't get the original voice actors for this!? Was the first film so popular that the voice actors just said," No, that's way below my standards now" How the fucking hell did they screw that up!?
...What is going on?
Wow, they are really putting a lot of energy into this...I wonder what will happen?
No, no, NO,NO! NO! NOOO!
I...I AM JUST...GOD...FUCK.
Asian CLAM!!! WHAT THE!?
We just went through a entire FUCKING song about how tough this character is, and yet he has a underling of a adorable crab with glasses?! And remember people, this is only 7 MINUTES IN!!!!!!
"B-B-B-but I did n-n-n-n-not s-s-s-s-say I d-d-d—did!"
He said yellow previously.
Gee, I wonder what is his motivation to hate that color.
W-Well, that's great, fucking great. I guess you did not notice the GOLD YELLOW PLATING ON YOUR UNIFORM, AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HATE LIGHT WHEN YOUR A FUCKING SHARK, NOT A ANGLER FISH!!!! FUCK off.
...That...was so pointless. I...I literally cannot...I cannot...please. PLEASE end this...Wait...it's only 8 MINUTES IN!!!!