This chapter is mostly action... so I'll try to keep it as painless as possible.
We open on a mansion, and are given a quick intro to KND archenemies the Delightful Children From Down The Lane, basically Stepford children with giant robots:
Their backing and funding was provided by their demonic sire, a mysterious individual known only as Father – KND operatives around the world shivered at the mere mention of his name.
I rather like Father, largely because he looks remarkably like Slayer from Guilty Gear.
The Delightful Children descend into a subbasement in their mansion, where a group of mechanics are working on their latest weapon of moderate destruction:
'''"Well?" they said in unison. "How much longer will it be, Tulsey?"
"Hey, have some patience, folks," said one of the engineers. "Rome wasn't built in a day, y'know?"
"I would have if Father were paying by the hour!" they said.'''
I'm almost certain he stole that joke from somewhere, but I don't know where. Wherever it comes from, it lost a "t" in the transition.
Tulsey continues his work, and we get a lame joke that I won't subject you to.
SCENE CHANGE! The KND limp back to the treehouse, having lost their rocket due to Cree's manipulations. For some reason, Brian chooses to start the scene after the affair and then summarize it:
'''The mission had seemed to go like clockwork for a while. The M.E.R.R.Y.G.O.R.O.C.K.E.T.'s superior speed managed to catch up to Cree's bicycle-ship with relative ease, but oddly, the smaller craft did not open fire on them. Numbah One sent a radio message to convince her to surrender (not that he really expected her to), but she gave no response.
At that point, they were able to seize the craft with the M.E.R.R.Y.G.O.R.O.C.K.E.T.'s claw, which again seemed remarkably easy. Then they unleashed the craft's special weapon – rotation mode. This deadly accessory could spin an enemy craft at high speed, designed to take the fight out anyone within. Even a rig truck was no match for the aircraft's strength.
Once having done that, the team had the bike-craft hauled aboard, where they all surrounded it with weapons drawn. Numbah One called out again, giving the assassin one last chance for a peaceful surrender, but no response came from the vehicle.
As the team started to close in, Numbah Five suddenly realized something. This had been too easy, and when she thought that, it usually meant bad news. Then she realized something else... dizzy or not, her sister would never have cowered inside her vehicle – she'd have attacked the second she was dragged onboard, and would have fought until she was down.
It was only too true, for Cree wasn't even inside the bike-craft. Doubtlessly, she had been piloting it by remote control from miles away, and had placed a large bomb in the cockpit.
This horrible realization came to the team moments before the bomb went off. They all managed to bail out and parachute to safety, just a second before the M.E.R.R.Y.G.O.R.O.C.K.E.T. was blown into scrap metal.'''
I have a few comments for this blurb:
1. As you can tell, Brian and the passive voice are old friends.
2. Once again, Brian chooses to put what could be an exciting scene entirely off-camera, giving us only a dry, lifeless recap in its place. It's hard to see why - if he didn't think he could write the scene, why did he include it in the story in the first place? If he did think he could write it, why did he choose to do it in this fashion?
3. "Once having done that": It should be "On having done so" or similar. "Once having done that" scans really badly.
Numbah One goes off to report the group's failure, while the rest of the group hit the fridge. They find that it's almost entirely empty, and complain to Numbah One when he comes back:
'''"What?" said the leader. "Well, whose turn was it go shopping?"
The team was silent.
"Oh, please, people," said Numbah One, going over to the bulletin board. "It's posted on the chore list right..."
His eyes opened wide.
"...here. Um... uh, it seems yesterday's shopping run was my job..."'''
I post this because it's one of the few scenes thus far that actually works to some degree.
After facepalming, Numbah One suggests they decamp to Lime Ricky's for soda... on his tab.
SCENE CHANGE! The Powerpuff Girls have discussed recent events and are flying to the KND's hometown, armed with cookies:
'''"Look," said Buttercup. "I don't see why you two insisted so much about paying them a visit."
"Well, they saved our lives," said Blossom. "The least we could do is bring them a little something to say 'thank you'."
"You think this plate of homemade snickerdoodles will do the job?" said Bubbles.
"Who doesn't like snickerdoodles?" asked Blossom.'''
Well, they're not my favorite... I wonder which of them baked.
After noting that they would have called if they could, Buttercup remains a holdout:
'''"Yeah well," said Buttercup, "don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for what they did, but this whole 'secret organization of kids' thing has me creeped out."
"What, you afraid of them?" said Bubbles, as they halted for a moment.
"NO!" said Buttercup. "I'm not afraid of no-one!"'''
So you're afraid of them, huh? Hurrah for double negatives.
Bubbles teases Buttercup by claiming there's a spider on her shirt, and then feels bad about it because Him recently assaulted them with their worst fears. I'm not sure if Him shows up in this story, but I rather hope not. I know Brian's religious views (and when we get into his Yu-Gi-Oh work, we'll see he isn't shy about sharing them...), and I dread what he'll do to the cartoon equivalent of Satan.
SCENE CHANGE! Tulsey and crew have finished the Delightful Children's machine:
'''"Good," they said. "Now go and read Popular Mechanics or whatever it is you engineers do."
Tulsey and his assistant left down the hallway. "Your welcome..." he muttered.
"WHAT WAS THAT?" they said turning to him.
"Uh, I said," said Tulsey. "Your well-groomed! I love the suits!"'''
I think we can officially list "homonym troubles" on the Big List of Brian Corvello's Weak Spots.
A spy calls their cells... and the audience wonders how much it costs them if every call is a conference call:
"Prince Charming here, calling Five of Spades," he said. "The prey is at Lime Ricky's, and their only vehicle within sight is the school bus. I also have it on good information that the... item you were concerned about is currently being recharged. This might be a primo time..."
The Delightful Children take their machine into battle with a misused metaphor.
SCENE CHANGE! The PPG land in a playground and decide to ask the local kids where to find the KND:
'''"'Scuse me," said Blossom. "Can you tell us where to find the Kids Next Door?"
"Um," said the boy. He pointed up.
The Girls looked up, and saw the enormous Treehouse above them. It was a landmark that was hard to miss.'''
I can't help but think that having a playground next to the Treehouse puts the kids in considerable danger...
Against advice, the PPG fly up to it.
SCENE CHANGE to Lime Ricky's:
'''"Okay," said Ricky, coming up to the team's table. "Three colas..."
He set them down in front of One, Two, and Four.
"One cream soda float with vanilla..."
He gave it to Five.
"And one root beer with Skittles," he said.
"Thanks!" said Numbah Three.
"Bleach," muttered Four. Every time Numbah Three came here, her requests got weirder... anything to make soda as sweet as possible.'''
What I wouldn't give to have Kenpachi Zaraki show up and wipe the floor with the cast of this story...
Also: I wonder if anyone has suggested that Kuki and Robin from Shortpacked are related somehow.
An alarm goes off:
"Aw nuts," he said. "Perimeter alarm, people!" he shouted.
The second dialogue tag is redundant. By now you're probably tired of me pointing these out, but I want to emphasize how sloppy this is for a college graduate's writing.
The KND turn out to have secret exits built into the soda bar, so while Lime Ricky and the other customers flee, they slip out and prepare to attack. Their flying school bus gets flattened by an invisible foot:
"Nuts," said Numbah Two. "And I just has the seats reupholstered!"
A relatively rare case of tense fail.
Numbah One realizes they're facing a cloaked opponent, and after an obligatory Star Trek reference:
'''"References to pop culture won't save you this time, Abigail," said five distinct voices.
"Them..." said Numbah Four. "Show yourselves you cowards!"'''
That's missing a comma, but the real reason I put that bit in is because we're going to start a little game. You see, for the longest time, Brian Corvello had a love affair with the word "coward". He used it the way the movie The Giant Claw uses the word "battleship".
I'm going to keep a count of his useage of the word "coward" in every story of his I spork, and every time you see it, I want you to imagine it being said by George Takei in the Star Trek episode "The Naked Time".
COWARD COUNT: 1
The machine decloaks:
Standing before them was a huge machine, about twenty feet high and thirty long. It resembled a huge crab in the overview, with four huge claws, and six powerful legs. In the front, the Delightful Children were at the helm.
Great. It's a giant enemy crab. *slidewhistle down*
After some taunting from the Delightful Children, the team attempt to attack the weak point for massive damage (you knew I was going to make that joke), but to no avail. It turns out that this machine's loaded with other special weapons, and once again we're shown a fight scene that just doesn't work. I'll spare you.
'''"Numbah Three!" said One, to the teammate who had fallen on him. "How long before you can get Hippy-Hop over here?"
"Um," said Three, "about an hour..."
"WHAT?"
"Well, his battery was kinda drained from the last time I used him, so I hooked him up to the generator this morning and... heh, it takes a while..."
"Just perfect!" said Numbah Four. "The dorks build the nastiest weapon yet, they take us by surprise, our weapons are worthless, and now the only thing we've got that can stand up to it is getting its battery recharged! Can this get any worse?"
"I really don't think it can get worse this time," said Two.'''
The old rule about "never say that, it will" doesn't really apply here. After one more attempt to make us think things will go bad...
SCENE CHANGE back to the KND treehouse, where Blossom is about to knock on the door:
'''"Relax, Buttercup," said Blossom. "Like I'm really certain there are a bunch laser-cannons pointed at us ready to open fire... get real..."
Unbeknownst to Blossom, that was close to the actual situation right now.
The security system of this and every other Earthbound KND headquarters (which Numbah One had designed, by the way), was an intricate, delicate, and incredibly deadly thing. The computers would take notice of any intruders the second they came within a hundred feet of the place. And after that... it really depended on the nature of the intruder.
No adults or teenagers were allowed here, and with wired connections to the KND Global Command Database, it could also immediately detect any child with a Threat Level greater than zero assigned to them – they weren't allowed here either. Once the system judged an interloper to be dangerous, reaction was instantaneous, and guaranteed to send the foe fleeing with a few burns and scars as a reminder not to try it again. If initial defenses weren't enough to make a stubborn foe retreat, it was practically impossible to survive the onslaught that would follow.
However, despite the fact that Numbah One didn't know it, the Girls all had a Threat Level of zero (they were under Class B observation, but that had nothing to do with security). So the defense system didn't open fire on them immediately. However, at this moment, over a dozen weapons had locked onto the Girls, ready to blast them in case any hostile moves were made.'''
In other words, this entire lengthy segment is completely pointless! Padded word counts are nobody's friend, Mr. Corvello.
Blossom knocks on the door, but nobody answers because they're all getting their asses kicked across town. She does a Superman-style "super hearing" bit, and hears them screaming in pain. The PPG fly off to save the day.
SCENE CHANGE! The KND try to run, but it does them no good:
'''"So it ends," said the Delightful Children. "But do beg us for mercy if you want... we love hearing a good grovel..."
The five agents didn't say a thing. It was truly their darkest hour, but they weren't about to give their foes the satisfaction.'''
Because under no circumstances may a Corvello hero show any signs of weakness.
The KND prepare to die, when:
'''"Goodness!" said Blossom.
"Gracious!" said Bubbles.
"Great balls of fire!" said Buttercup.'''
I could be listening to Jerry Lee Lewis right now, why am I sporking this? The girls save the KND from imminent death, and the Delightful Children react:
'''"The Powder Puff Girls?" they said in unison.
"Ugh!" said Bubbles.
"Powerpuff!" said Buttercup, angrily. "P-O-W-E-R-puff! There's no 'D' in the name! Why does everyone get it wrong?"'''
I admit it, I smiled.
Battle is joined, and the girls dodge missiles:
'''"Didn't we see these kids in that old Children of the Corn movie?" said Buttercup.
"Oh, I hated that movie!" said Bubbles, shivering.'''
...why the hell did they watch that movie in the first place? Did Professor Utonium think it was a good idea to show kindergartners a horror movie involving killer children? Brian Corvello's shoehorning of pop culture references strikes again.
...Future MCT just left me a note saying this is to set up a running gag. Drat.
Once again, I'll spare you this story's attempt at a fight scene. The PPG stomp the Delightful Children a new one (cloaking is useless against x-ray vision), and they break out their final secret weapon:
'''A huge rocket slowly emerged from a launcher on the back of the Really Really Incredibly Destructive Machine (Mach 2), and aimed towards the Girls.
"Stand firm, Girls," said Blossom.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" screamed the Delightful Children. The rocket's engines fired and it shot towards the Girls...
Blossom moved in front of them and caught the missile in mid air! She held it up high.
"Here," she said. "You guys can have this back!" She hoisted it above her head like a javelin.
"Oh... no..." said the Delightful Children. "Abandon ship!"'''
Pick your joke:
1. 'Dropping a missile on me is cheating! Here, take it back!'
Either way, she throws the missile at them and it blows their machine to pieces. Turns out the cockpit is an escape pod. Post-battle, there's a backslapping session (briefly interrupted with a warning about the security system) and the PPG obtain the KND phone number. Then the question of who they just beat comes up.
'''"So who were those creepy children?" said Bubbles.
"The mean, old, stinky Delightful Children From Down The Lane!" said Numbah Three. "They don't like us much..."
"Delightful Children?" said Blossom, raising an eye.
"That's right," said Five. "We think they got their name for the same reason huge bodybuilders are nicknamed 'Tiny'."'''
Get used to this joke, folks. He uses it a lot.
Let's finish this up. The PPG fly off for home, and both sides admit respect for the other.
SCENE CHANGE back to the KND treehouse, several hours later. Numbah One is burning with the need to discuss recent events with a higher-up. 274's out (being a traitor and all), 86 is out (mutual dislike), 362 is always busy... that leaves one choice.
'''"Kids Next Door Moonbase headquarters," she said. "How may I direct your call?"
"This is Numbah One speaking," said One. "I was wondering... if recruiting agent Numbah 209, was available."'''
Thanks to The Wiki Rule, there's a wiki for Codename: Kids Next Door. I checked their list of operatives, and 209 isn't on it. So he's talking to an original character. Expect much gushing over 209 to open next chapter.
We're on the fourth chapter and we're still in set-up mode...
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