Part Deux: The Asscockery of Reviews
As I stated in my previous intallment, Icycalm hates art games. And so, this extends to indie games, as well. I could say something along the lines of "he's a pretentious anti-hipster who hates creativity and budding artistry", but that would hit too close to home. So in order to gain access to the inner mechanisms of his followers, I decided to sign up for the forum.
I was greeted by this.
For the record, I did not recall a single other place that stated that you were required to pay him, directly, in order to keep posting there. And I love how he almost made it so each poster would have to contribute reviews or whatnot, but decided against it for it being "too time-consuming." So, just so we're clear, he does not need money; rather, he's making people pay him because he's too lazy to do anything else. Bravo, sir, your respect is unattainable.
So, fuck the forums. Let's get back to what we all want to see: him bashing great games!
Let's begin with his review of Braid, the indie platform-puzzler classic. It's influenced countless others, and has won numerous awards. So of course Icycalm's going to shit all over it like the asshole that he is.
And so we finally arrive at Braid: the most critically and commercially successful "indie" game ever, and — as the entire journlolistic and pseudo-intellectual cartel would like to make us believe — the most "artistic" videogame of all time (and consequently the most valuable).
DURHURHUR STRAWMANNIN IS FUN
It's an outrageously offensive claim. The game's entire reputation is based on so little substance and such absurdly overblown amounts of hype, that I could well cite the opinions of two COMPLETE OUTSIDERS to the videogame industry, both of whom found the game, not simply bad, but utterly laughable, and leave it at that.
Yes, bringing in two people who have nothing to do with the indie game industry or gaming to review a game intrinsically tied to the indie gaming scene and gaming in general is a superb idea.
Still, an outsider's opinion is not automatically one to be dismissed. Perhaps they have some form of valid criticism for the game.
I am referring of course to film critic Roger Ebert, who wrote that Braid's narrative is "on the level of a wordy fortune cookie", and rapper Soulja Boy (who amusingly enough seems to be employing the Insomnia rating scheme...), whose reaction to Braid's mechanics was simply "lol".
...
What.
Are you... serious? You can't possibly be fucking serious, Icycalm, there's no fucking way. There's no fucking way that you would cite the review of Roger Ebert, who claimed that video games could never be art almost a year before Icycalm posted this review. He'd be almost the exact opposite person who'd be qualified to do such a thing; he doesn't think Braid is art because he thinks videogames can't be art, you pretentious fuckwit.
And as for Soulja Boy, well, should it really be surprising that Icycalm marvels the intellect of a man able to come up with such clever, witty lyricisms as "Get outta beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed, get my swaaaaaaaaaaag ooooooooooon"?
The fact that two complete outsiders can debunk so swiftly and so contemptuously what this industry considers (or has been brainwashed to consider...) as its supreme achievement is proof positive of the Orwellian levels of falsity, disinformation and manipulation that now generally obtain.
Imagine a boot, stomping on Icycalm's face forever. Perhaps it will one day be a reality.
The coup de grâce is that neither Ebert nor Soulja Boy know the first thing about videogames, and yet they can spot and call out the overblown hype immediately, on first sight, without even bothering to play the game, let alone having any standards or reference points whatever — AND NO ONE SEEMS ABLE TO REFUTE THEM.
OK then, I'll do it: Braid is a fantastic game built upon a wonderfully artistic narrative and creatively inventive puzzle gimmick, and since Roger Ebert and Soulja Boy know nothing about videogames, who are they to refute its position?
There. Easy.
To gain some perspective and realize the immensity of the affair, just imagine some kid from /v/ writing in to, say Total Film magazine, with something to the effect that "Citizen Kains sux becose it is teh gay lol", and then the magazine FOR SOME REASON PRINTING THIS (as the videogame press abundantly reproduced Ebert's and Soulja Boy's remarks...), WITHOUT ANYONE ACROSS THE ENTIRE FILM INDUSTRY BEING ABLE TO COME FORWARD WITH ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING A CONVINCING REBUTTAL.
1. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.
2. Honestly, anything resembling a remark as coherent as "Citizen Kains sux becose it is teh gay lol" on /v/ these days is worthy of magazine printing, if only for its sheer rarity.
3. This is what Icycalm actually believes.
So without further ado, then, let's settle down to taking apart and debunking Braid. Start at the beginning. Ostensibly a "puzzle-platformer", Braid is, in fact, for all intents and purposes a pure puzzle game. Let's try to understand why this is so. A platform game is defined, first and foremost, as an action game — i.e. a game in which progress is predicated on reflexes. But Braid's chief mechanic is a time-rewind feature which can be used throughout with impunity, effectively eliminating any requirement for reflexes. This is one step further along the design philosophy of "save-states every other screen" that is so popular with the indie bums, here taken to its most absurd extreme BY ELIMINATING THE VERY NEED FOR SAVE-STATES IN THE FIRST PLACE (since there's no longer any reason for you to die) — notwithstanding the fact that the game KEEPS THE SAVE-STATES ANYWAY.
You heard it here first, folks: Braid is not a puzzle platformer, even though it has platforms and you maneuver and jump on them and on enemies to progress to the end of the stage.
Braid's action aspect, on the other hand, is so easy that even WITHOUT the rewind feature the game would be a cakewalk; WITH IT there's practically no game there at all. This is why I am saying that, though TECHNICALLY I am obliged to classify the game as a "puzzle-platformer" (— since you do, after all, hop around some platforms in it which are populated here and there with the occasional enemy —) it's nevertheless practically a pure puzzle game. One step ahead in this logic and you have something like Lup Salad, where, though the game at first glance LOOKS like a puzzle-platformer, since the stages are depicted in a side-view perspective, and you interact with the blocks by pushing them around with your little sprite, the game is nevertheless a pure puzzler since there are no enemies or precision maneuvers to perform, and it is impossible to lose due to a reflex-error.
Here's a hint, genius: Do you know why the game would be so easy if the time-manipulation elements were removed? Because that's what the game is built around. For example, Super Mario Bros. is built around stomping on enemies and traversing pits; take that away, and the game is comically easy.
In short the platforming in Braid, as in so many other botched "indie" attempts at a platformer, is an exercise in CRUDITY AND GIMMICKRY; and the question now is, what's left of the game once you subtract that aspect out of it? — The puzzle part, of course. Now I am going to apply a method of critique to Braid's puzzle aspect that will outrage casuals, "indies" and other fagots even more than my criticisms usually outrage them: I am going to rate Braid's puzzle aspect PURELY ON THE AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES TO OVERCOME IT. Now, do yourself a favor and stop for a moment to think about the rationale of this approach before outright dismissing it. Ask yourselves: what is a puzzle? Is a straight corridor with a door at the other end a puzzle, if all it takes to solve it is to walk down the corridor and go through the door? Am I solving puzzles every day on my way to the supermarket, whenever I turn another corner? Aren't puzzles, after all, supposed to be things THAT ARE PUZZLING? Things that stop you in your tracks AND FORCE YOU TO THINK in order to overcome them? And if so, what could be more natural than to conclude that, THE LONGER a puzzle forces you to think, THE BETTER IT SERVES ITS FUNCTION AS A PUZZLE?
Icycalm can occasionally have a big ego that sometimes becomes grating. Yes, smart one, Portal sucked because all of its puzzles took less than a day. Let's see how he rebuttals this argument he himself just made:
I am not trying to set up here some universal, absolute standard of the type "a two-hour puzzle is a good puzzle", since different people have different intelligence levels, and will therefore arrive at the solution at different time frames (or not arrive at it at all—) — I mean as a RELATIVE standard, in the sense of: the puzzle that takes ME longer to solve is FOR ME a better puzzle — because it PUZZLED ME LONGER.
If we're going by intelligence levels, then I assume Icycalm holds Resident Evil's block puzzles to be the pinnacle of high art in human history.
And in any case, I am not denying that, FOR A GIVEN LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY, there do not exist better- and worse-designed puzzles; all I am saying is that if a "puzzle" barely even requires you to think IT'S BARELY EVEN A PUZZLE; and certainly not a "devilish" one, as Braid's puzzles have been dubbed by every memetic review of the game I've come across; for how in hell could a puzzle ever be deemed "devilish" IF EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET CAN SOLVE IT WITHIN TEN MINUTES TOPS?
Please tell me where the fuck it says on the Internet that everybody on Earth can beat each and every one of Braid's puzzles in less than 10 minutes. Or are you pulling things out of your ass again? Yeah, I thought so.
Besides, if it's not a large puzzle, wouldn't ten minutes be a theoretically long time? Just sayin'.
Or did all the retards in the world's basements somehow drop dead and were instantly replaced by bona fide geniuses?
Don't worry, we still have you.
At any rate, that is what every halfway experienced gamer who's played this game has realized — which is to say, as far as I know, only zinger:
"In all of the game's worlds, it's the unconventional and confusing concept of time manipulation that is difficult, not the puzzles. The engine, that was the real puzzle to me, while the actual puzzles, which I often cleared by chance (well, those few that weren't obvious), served as clues when exploring it. ... I mean, you learn the basics of each world's concept just before you've completed it, but after that I expect devilish puzzles that push this concept to the limit."
Just because you couldn't figure out the time mechanic doesn't mean we couldn't.
Strange as this notion may sound at first, Braid's paramount failing, which far overshadows its thoughtless, self-conflicting mechanics and complete lack of challenge, is the same one that plagues so many Western-made contemporary reimaginings of classic videogame series: that of taking game formulas which were mechanics-wise FUNDAMENTALLY SHALLOW, and therefore originally appropriately clothed IN FUNDAMENTALLY SHALLOW BACKSTORIES AND AESTHETICS, and attempting to "elevate" them to some desired level of "seriousness", by DUMBING-DOWN the mechanics still further, and "DEEPENING" ONLY THE AESTHETICS.
Why would one have to "dumb down" the mechanics, good sir? Why would that have to be so? And besides, you cite Super Metroid as an art game; are its mechanics not shallower than Metroid Prime's? Therefore, would Super Metroid be a bad game?
In other words, Braid's "deep" and "thoughtful" two-dimensional hunchback protagonist with his existential problems is merely the other side of the same coin with the "mature", "grim", "realistically-modeled" Bionic Commando.
Really. Please tell me when there are college theses written about Bionic Commando.
The resulting effect of Blow's attempt to elevate his game by what in his naïve and childish mind is a "serious" story is therefore the exact opposite of what he intented; instead of the player becoming MORE IMMERSED inside the game world, every narrative intrusion makes him DISGUSTED with it and PULLS HIM RIGHT OUT.
For God's sakes, jackwad, stop assuming your opinons are fact. Just because you think the game's narrative is stupid does not mean the next guy does.
This, at any rate, was my reaction to the pretentious plot development, and I presume the reaction of every mature, intelligent adult who has come into contact with this game (if there are even any of those involved with the "indie" gaming scene at all, which as far as I can tell there aren't).
Oh look, ad hominem. The best fallacy for striking mild annoyance into your opponents' hearts!
The very notion of this stunted, hunchback little sprite having some kind of serious relationship with a stunted, hunchback little female sprite IS EVEN REVOLTING; disgusting even, like those obscene pieces of fan art of Mario and Princess Peach going at it that often circulate around blogs and online message boards.
Again, I must break out the WHAT. Maybe you missed the incredibly subtle hints at the end of the game that implied that YOU, the player, were the monster all along. I would not put that past you, just like I wouldn't put it past you to assume that Tim, the main character, is a hunchback, or that he's even relatively unattractive. And why'd you pull Rule 34 out of the blue? Too lazy to come up with a real argument?
This is how the bungler "indie" developer ultimately succeeds in bungling ALL aspects of videogame design: he first bungles the mechanics by dumbing them down or "experimenting" with combinations that are either DOWNRIGHT GIMMICKRY or painfully obvious from the very start THAT THEY WON'T WORK, and then he UTTERLY SHATTERS THE ILLUSORY APPEAL OF HIS GAME WORLD by making his tiny, badly-drawn pixelated protagonist GROW OLD, GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES, AND FINALLY DIE OF A HEART ATTACK OR SOME SHIT. I mean, isn't it by now obvious why, even in purely thematic terms, something like Super Mario World is infinitely more immersive than tripe like Braid or Knytt or Passage? Ask yourselves: How can it be that the childish platformer is more immersive than the "serious" platformer? PERHAPS BECAUSE THE VERY CONCEPT OF THE PLATFORMER IS CHILDISH TO BEGIN WITH, AND CONSEQUENTLY WORKS BETTER WHEN PAIRED WITH AN EQUALLY CHILDISH THEME?
Yep. Platformers can only be childish, and can never attempt to explore more mature themes, because they are all identical and too worthy of a lowly videogame. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
The next paragraph is just baseless attacks against John Blow's (the creator of Braid) character and sweeping, general insults of the entire indie gaming scene. Here it is, but be warned: it's a doozy! Don't click if you want to keep your sanity. Bleh, what's the point. It's not like any of the bums will ever learn anything — it's not like they EVEN WANT to learn anything. It's clear, after all, that none of them seems interested in ever improving any of their games. Granted that they start out at rock-bottom; yet one could even take this as the perfect opportunity to set off on the path to improvement, since after all there's nowhere else for them to go from there but up. But do you ever see them attempt to make, for example, a Braid 2, a Spelunky 4, or a Flower 6? No — they are only interested with bungling ("innovating") one genre or subgenre, and then straightaway moving on to bungle another. And yet Braid, unlike every other "indie" game I've come across, could be EXTREMELY EASILY improved to something genuinely worthwhile, to something great even, with barely anything more than the addition of a little common-sensical game design. Blow already has a great, unique even engine; moreover he also has a master pixel artist at his disposal, thereby having already cleared a hurdle that no other "indie" bum has ever cleared. To be sure, Hellman can't design characters worth a shit, but he CAN render them into bitmap form, and he CAN make drop-dead gorgeous backgrounds — so if Blow would just invest a little of all that money Braid has made and hire someone who can design proper characters, then drop the retarded "mature" overtones and go for a full-blown high definition caricatural style, he'd have nothing less than a visual masterpiece to rival even the best Japanese efforts. Not a bad start for an indie bum who spends half the year giving retarded lectures and interviews to whatever imbecile with a microphone is stupid enough to listen! Then he could do away with the retarded save-states and make THE ENTIRE FUCKING GAME playable in ONE-TIME ARCADE-STYLE SESSIONS ONLY, FORCING the indie fags, TO GO THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING ON A SINGLE LIFE (but at the same time shortening the game to 30 or 40 minutes to make this feat feasible), then restrict the use of the rewind mechanic to a depleting gauge of some kind, and make the player replenish it by killing enemies, for instance, in some specific, dangerous fashion, structuring the entire level design around this mechanic — and he'd have a bona fide action masterpiece at his hands. Or, if he decided to pursue the puzzle instead of the action route, he could learn how to do that from Lup Salad: by designing a ton of stages, many of which would have to be GENUINELY "DEVILISHLY" TRICKY, stages that would have the player looking at the screen and scratching his head for half an hour or more without making any progress whatsoever — and not just one or two but MANY of them, with the entire game lasting at least 20 to 30 hours, if not more — and that'd be the way to do it. Braid shows clear signs that, unlike the World of Goo bums, Blow SHOULD be able to design REAL puzzles if he tried and knew what to aim for, so it's by no means far fetched to assume that he could.
The last paragraph, however, is by far my favorite:
So how about it, Blow? How about you lift your head from the circlejerk for a moment, wipe all the yellowish encrusted jizz that's dripping from your chin, and take a look at the history of the artform you are so furiously engaged in slandering and debasing? Videogames existed before 2005, you know. The genre you are bungling has a long and glorious history behind it — how about you set aside the other bums' screensavers and study it with a little bit more respect and reverence for a while? You and Hellman are on another level entirely from all the "indie" bums I've so far come across: you seriously have a shot at one day becoming genuine developers — but you must work at it, damn it! Braid 2 could be your real breakthrough, Blow — a full, complete, genuine game; a game that would have a shot at surviving long after the disingenuous pseudo-intellectual propaganda your buddies are furiously generating has died down and come to nothing — so why don't you do yourself a favor and think about it?
Icycalm is a man who claims that it is art games that are killing the industry. And yet he advocates blatant dumbing-down of Braid's concepts in order to pander to the lowest common denominator in platforming, the height of Sequelitis. He's the world's biggest fucking hypocrite, and I want to punch him in the face. In other words, he's using inflammatory language to provoke a response. In other words...
0/10. Would not read again.
Good fucking night.
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