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Ephraim 225

FFMrebirth reviews the Game Boy Advance

...On second thought, maybe I should leave this one alone. I mean, this review is eight years old-

Detestable? Phooey!

The videogame market is a rather odd thing. Handhelds, like the Neo-Geo Pocket Color, were excellent, but faded away due to bad marketing strategies. Others, such as the N-Gage, failed as a result of both too much marketing and an overabundance of lackluster games (Yes, like all 6 of its launch titles.) With the new revolution of handheld gaming, the Gameboy Advance (GBA) seems to have a rather strong lead against all competitors. The ONLY reason for its success that is logical is the fact Nintendo has strong roots in gaming’s past.

I always thought the N-Gage failed due to trying to combine a gaming system with a cell phone, of all things.

Hailed by fans of the system as the champion of all handhelds, the GBA has made itself the epitome of all sales in the gaming world. What strategies did Nintendo employ to become the distributor of the system that‘s the best selling in the world? Simply (re-)release a plethora of Nintendo and Super Nintendo hits onto it.

You jest, but surely it's more complex than that.

Throw innovation out the window, remove all real gaming concepts from the picture, and replace them all with lackadaisical [sic] rehashes of everyone’s favorite games from the Sixteen/Eight-bit era. What old, nostalgic fan doesn't want to play Super Mario Bros. 3 (GBA Name: Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario 3) for the third time on its re-release?

Oh, you're one of THOSE reviewers.

Let’s talk about that title “Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario 3.” What does this tell you? It tells you that the first 3 “Mario Advances” probably weren’t original either (Using logic and realizing the fourth was just a revamped version of an earlier game.)

That's what his logic tells him. My logic tells me he's being ignorant. No, they couldn't POSSIBLY add new features to old games.

Nintendo, in all their wisdom, realized that who they’re marketing this system to. They’re marketing it to the same witless fools that incessantly fill my inbox with e-mails that are over-encumbered with informalities such as “u” and “b/c.” These people run out and buy a new game based off its “special features.” Wake up, “special Features” doesn’t constitute your thirty dollars.

What do you mean, "Special features"? The GBA seems like a standard console to me.

I‘m not calling people that have buying habits like this stupid (Well, to a degree I‘m not), I’m simply criticizing the criteria they use to judge if a game warrants a purchase or not.

At this point I would list a dozen or so GBA games that are not, in fact, remakes or rereleases, as there are plenty. I don't have to.

Very rarely you’ll come across a game that’s both new and idiosyncratic enough to cause hype. Specifically note how I said idiosyncratic, so you don’t infer the notion that every new re-release that receives hype is good. These games are few and far in between, and a breath of fresh air for the jaded Nintendo fan. A small amount of these games that I can name off the top of my head are: Advanced Wars, Golden Sun and Megaman Battle Network.

He already did for me. I'm confused. You say that Nintendo's strategy was to rerelease old games, yet you mention Golden Sun and Advance Wars? Which are NEW games? (By the way, it's spelled "Advance" Wars, not "Advanced" Wars)

Most other games on it have been done before and better. Final Fantasy Tactics is better than Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. Pokemon Red/Blue are better than the Sapphire/Ruby. Castlevania: Symphony of the night is better than all of the GBA‘s Castlevanias, the list goes on.

Sure, the originals might be better than the sequels, but does that mean the sequels are not worth playing entirely? HELL no.

People fail to realize that the continuations of the series that they get are unsatisfactory and below the originals in almost all aspects. The problem lies in the fact the gameplay is usually dumbed-down, controls suck, and the screen is crap.

Subjective. Oh so very subjective.

If this isn’t enough, the machine is practically rendered unusable by its pathetic ergonomics. I realize most people that read this review won’t understand what the word “Ergonomics” means, so I’ll elaborate for them:

On second thought, how about you just not use that word and save everyone the headaches? Or do you think using confusing words makes you smart?

Somehow get an image of the GBA in front of you. Look at it. If you have big hands, you’re basically exempted from playing its games. If you do persist to play, you’ll have to quit because your wrists will start to hurt and more pains will set in shortly thereafter. Playing games that involve maneuvering your fingers around at quick speeds will be near-impossible to play. Long fingers? Have fun reaching those two shoulder buttons on the top without crippling your digits in the process. I’m sure someone will send me an witty e-mail stating something like this:

“Hey man, I’m 6-foot-9 and a basketball all-star, I can play the GBA without having to have my fingers amputated”

No one cares. Shut up, you’re not funny.

That's just what I was about to say to you.

Moving on, another one of my valid arguments

STOP. "Valid" my ass. Even if your arguments were valid, announcing it makes you look like an ass.

against the reprehensible machine is that its screen is too dark. I’m sure most people that have heard this complaint before. If you’re playing a game that’s dark in contours, then you’ll have a hard time being able to depict anything. If a game requires you to distinguish the difference between colors, have fun, because they’ll just mesh together, leaving you frustrated. The only real solution to this is if you sit under a huge light. People want convenience , GBA does not give this to them.

If you're playing anywhere with a decent amount of light you should be fine. There's also those attachable lamps you could buy. Sitting under a huge light is undesirable unless you're playing Boktai.

This problem was so apparent that a company took up the task of fixing the problem by installing backlighting. All Nintendo did to cure this problem simply released the “GBA-SP.” Good move, make even more money off your mistakes.

Well, gee, you could always trade in your old GBA. You know, if the regular is really unplayable. Which it's not. Because I'm playing it.

The GBA is essentially Nintendo's device to get the masses into buying their old software again. I see through their scheme. Little Johnny will not see through it. Little Johnny will keep feeding Nintendo its easily earned money. It’s Nintendo’s ability to take this money from someone that doesn’t know better that angers me (and the controls, screen, etc.) If they worked hard and put out more original titles, it’d be alright. Maybe I’m just a child’s rights activist, who knows.

Child's rights? Are you fucking kidding me? What does this have to do with child's rights? This...this is beyond stupid. I'm leaving.

Fans blind to the truth will disagree, they’ll argue out that the GBA has some kind of redeeming quality or merely regard the speaker of such negativity as a “Fanboy.” They don’t realize what they’re currently supporting is jacking them for all their money with games they‘ve already experienced. What they’re defending is garbage and has been done before and better, but just didn‘t get the notoriety.

They won't call you a fanboy. What would you be a fanboy of? I think they'll call you *Curse words so vulgar they needed to be censored twice*.



Well, that was downright shit. The only valid argument is that it was too dark. I had one of those attachable lights, didn't help much.

Also, he's clearly a fanboy of fan haters.
SomeColorMage 10th Sep 11
...Wow. I'm speechless. His arguments are so ridiculously stupid that it loops around to hilarious.

What makes this even more funny is that when clicking the link to Game FA Qs the game recommendation bar to the side was advertising GBA exclusive games.

Child's rights...*chuckles* Oh dear lord...
whizzerd 11th Sep 11
I had an attachable light, too...though the only time I got any use out of it was when my mother demanded that I went to bed immediately. My blankets were always able to cover up the one light I needed to have some post-curfew gaming entertainment...

Also, why is someone called 'Little Johnny' being pegged as a fool for buying remakes? To me, 'little' implies youth, as in "This little kid was born after those original titles became hard to acquire, and his first attempts to get into video gaming shouldn't be insulted by so-called 'hardcore players'."
EndarkCuli 11th Sep 11
Cell phone/games are making a comeback PSP Cellphone anyone?
JusticeMan 13th Sep 11
Wait, I just noticed this. Pokemon R/B better than R/S? LOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!
JusticeMan 13th Sep 11
Indeed, the only valid argument is that it's too dark. But even that is exaggerated here.

Other than that... Jesus, did he even ever play with a GBA?
Nyarly 13th Sep 11
If Little Johnny is little enough that you can genuinely accuse Nintendo of infringing on "child's rights" by marketing to his ignorance via repackaging SMB 3 as a new game and convincing him to buy it, odds are he's also little enough that he wasn't playing video games when SMB 3 was released and thus wouldn't already own it. I mean, it's a thirteen-year difference. Even with Super Mario All-Stars, that was released ten years prior.
FalconPain 15th Sep 11
(Also, he gave Metroid Fusion a 9/10.)
FalconPain 15th Sep 11