You're only reading this because I rated the game 3/10! Let's read horrible GameFAQs reviews!

Ephraim 225

The_Heap reviews Mario Kart Wii

Mario Kart. A fun series of go-kart racers starring Mario characters. And yet as the series went on, the game became less about Go-Karting with Bowser and more about go-karting for the sake of go-karting. As in don't try to win, because it's pretty much a random outcome due to items and cheating computers etc...yeah, I didn't like Mario Kart Wii that much, really. It's not TERRIBLE per se but I do agree with some of the things reviewers have to say about this game. Like what's up with Mini-turbos and mid-air flips? Get rid of that shit! Make the game about strategic item use, not "advanced techniques" that not everyone is able to do! But I digress. I set out to find the worst review of this game, the kind that doesn't even acknowledge ANYTHING good about it. I think I've found it. TWO of them, in fact. But I can only pick one.

Know what else I don't like? Wii haters!

I was considering not writing this review, as seeing from the message boards here this game is one of the biggest ripoff of $50 since Guitar Hero III; and it shouldn't be new information that this game is terrible.

It would save us both time and patience if you hadn't reviewed this game, but alas. Also, I have Guitar Hero 3 and it rocks.

But, I decided to do it anyway because there hasn't been an accurate review on GameFAQs showing why it's a bad game. Why don't you come along on the angry ride that could just save you $50?

This review was posted August, 2008. There are several other, GOOD reviews posted THREE MONTHS EARLIER.

From the looks of the trailers, Mario Kart Wii has a lot going for it. For starters, the trailers look like a completely different game. In the trailers, the graphics looked like something out of a high quality PS2 game (Which is pretty good for a Nintendo racing game) and the gameplay was really smoothed out. It looked like an improved version of Mario Kart 64. I opened up my copy of Mario Kart Wii expecting something like that, and then I realized that the trailers were as misleading as a trailer for a new-generation Sonic game, or a bad comedy.

You mean like every trailer ever?

If you play this game like any other game(like "casual gamers" do), this game is pretty bad.

Oh fuck. He used the word "casual". There is no difference between "hardcore" and "casual". Both buy and play video games. Just putting that out there.

If you play this game like a traditional racer like I did, you might as well get 11 kids to throw stuff at you and take $50 from you to simulate the experience. This game is nothing like Mario Kart DS, the most "serious" racer of the series. It's more like Mario Kart Double Dash to the 5th power.

"Traditional" is a stupid word, too. And what the hell was wrong with Double Dash?

The character and kart roster is almost as unbalanced as Super Smash Bros. Brawl, so it's obvious here that Nintendo needs to work on basic game mechanics. Almost every newcomer to the series does not deserve it's spot in the roster. Baby Daisy, Baby Peach and Dry Bowser seem like characters that would be added in an all-Mario fighting game.

It's almost as if Nintendo wanted to introduce characters that players fantasize about. Bowser's a koopa, so he should have a dry bones variation too, right? As for character imbalances, well, we let Ike get away with it. Twice.

My biggest complaint about the roster is the addition of Rosalina from Super Mario Galaxy. Why is Rosalina, one of the deepest and most serious characters in Mario canon dressing up in biker clothes and racing around like a complete dult screaming poorly voice acted phrases like "Yahoo!" and "Alright!" It's as if Nintendo wants every character in their franchise to be a laughingstock among Sony/Microsoft fanboys.

Why is Rosalina making a cameo in a spin-off title? It makes no sense! Here's something for all the Microsoft/Sony fanboys to chew on: the Wii is still on top. YOU. LOST. SHUT. UP.

Another addition to the roster is the Miis, which can only be raced one at a time. These little disgusting blobs of casual matter seem very awkward racing compared to the other characters, and it comes off looking not too short of a gimmick. Oh, and your Mii's stats are calculated by height and weight, so if your lame Chuck Norris Mii can't keep up with the others, that's too bad.

It's almost like...a create-a-character mode! I say more games should use Miis! I mean, they're there, you should be able to DO something with it.

The Karts this time around are pretty half-assed, we get basically nothing aside from the mainstay karts in the series except this ugly "Standard Kart" thing that gives you stats that aren't too good, but not too bad. But who cares?

Who cares about playing The Mario? He's so bland!

A new addition to the series is "bikes", with stats so above the roof that you might as well call it "Mario Bike Wii" because that's all you're going to be seeing online. The most popular combination is Funky Kong+Flame Runner, the fastest character in the game combined with the fastest vehicle. Who cares about the crappy acceleration, as soon as you get going items will never be able to reach you.

Oh, except for the Lightning Bolt. And the Blue Shell. ...I just praised the Blue Shell.

After your lame and probably unoriginal Character-Kart-Track combination, you're ready to start racing. You have 3 choices for control, the awkward badly-designed Wii Wheel that looks like a baby steering wheel, the hardcore-casual Wiimote+Nunchuck, or the GCN Controller. It doesn't really matter what you choose, because almost all tournaments require a Wii Wheel to participate. To prove even more gimmicky, you get a Golden Wii Wheel next to your name if you race with it regularly.

Tournaments use the Wii Wheel? When did this happen? Who even cares what tournament-goers use? Use whatever is best for you.

Now onto the game itself. Because of the ton of casual-newbies that will be crowding online at all times, Nintendo decided to change the amount of places in one race from 8 to 12. Not only does this stupid addition make for laggy online, crowded retro courses and awkward falls because some jerk slammed you off the side of the track, but this means that there's an even HIGHER chance of an overpowered item screwing you over.

I played several races online with 7 or more players. It wasn't that bad. Not even close.

Now onto my main complaint—in the previous games, if you played with 4 players, there would always be the one guy who's usually in 1st, the one guy who's usually in 2nd, and two bad players who would swap between 3rd and 4th. Unless they got REALLY lucky with items, the bad players would never get 1st place. In Mario Kart Wii, it will be pretty even between who gets 1st the most. This makes it impossible to see who's the best of the group, which means no competitive play. This is more like a Super Happy Casual Get Lucky No Fun Fest, which gives the game no play value beyond 3 or 4 weeks. Not worth $50 at all, not even $40.

The way you described the older games makes them sound completely boring. That said, you just made Mario Kart Wii sound much more fun, and therefore much more valuable!

With the few hours of multilayer fun gone, all you've got left is online. I don't understand the constant ass-kissing of this mode, it doesn't make the game any better. It's the best part of the game, but not by much. There isn't any real options, you can get into a match with your friends (taking all the fun of playing side by side and shoving the anger of losing to people you know in your face) or play in a Worldwide/National match. This is a lot less anger-evoking, because even if you get 2nd/3rd/4th/etc. as long as you do better than your average, you still get points, which are a kind of ranking. Unfortunately they're not used for much aside from minor bragging rights. Even if you have 9999 VR, you could still get matched up with a scrub that has 3000 VR. (The average is 5000 VR) Contrary to what I've heard, there is lag, but it's nowhere near as bad as Nintendo's other games. It's mostly button lag during tossing items (that seems to affect no one expect you).

There is no lag. I'm serious. None at all. It also has 4 modes of play. How's that for options.

Overall, I wouldn't recommend Mario Kart Wii to anyone who has any experience with gaming. It feels too much like they took the soul out of Mario Kart, like they did with the Mario platformers, Zelda and Smash to a lower extent.

Ooh, a Nostalgia Filter! I bet if they made F-Zero Wii, you'd be shitting all over it too! Haha...F-Zero Wii...sniff...

The other review I was considering is much of the same thing so you ain't missing much.


Actually I can think of a few things wrong with Double Dash. The fact that the Karts handled like Shopping Trolleys, the fact that this game was AGGRAVATING AS HELL, ect.

As for character imbalances, well, we let Ike get away with it. Twice.

Thrice if you count Radiant Dawn.
Emperordaein 12th May 11
Don't you just love it when an asshole basically types "I'M A REAL GAMER AND YOU'RE NOT" over and over again for several hundred words?

"Casual": a word that no longer has meaning among video gamers.
ManCalledTrue 12th May 11
he just said mario and zelda suck he must die
Envyus 12th May 11
I like how this was more of a thinly veiled rant against TEH CASUALZ then a review of the game.
SpellBlade 13th May 11
Emperor: Seriously. Excepting the original Mario Kart (didn't have an SNES) and Wii (never got around to getting it), I've played every game in the series — Double Dash is the only one where I never unlocked all the characters or beat all the cups on every CC setting.

Hardcore gamers piss me off, mainly because games aren't a means of entertainment for them — they're a means of conquest, a way to prove their virility.
EponymousKid 13th May 11
"Why is Rosalina, one of the deepest and most serious characters in Mario canon"

OK, stop right there. If I recall Mario Galaxy correctly, Rosalina was basically the fairy tale Goddess of the Universe who... baked cakes for infant stars. That eventually turn into galaxies. Which are the size of solar systems at their biggest.

Rosalina's a fine character and all, but "serious"? Are you kidding? Yeah, she'd fit in right along side Christian Bale in The Dark Knight...
Korval 15th May 11
Have you... have you even played the game you're so ardently defending? 9th Apr 12