Dear god, these people talk like friggin' robots.
Use contractions and... make them sound like actual people! It's sort of hard for me to describe... but, well, just read those sentences as they are, and don't even pretend that it doesn't sound awkward to say. It sort of just explains itself, really. Anyway, Link kisses her, she cries, he keeps on kissing her, and then he... oh god... Is this
the first sex scene? You know, I don't fucking care how in love you are with someone, or how unmodest you are, if they started to forcibly take off your clothes outdoors, the least
you should do is pull back and say no. But I think the most efficient way to make them stop is yell, "Help! Sex offender!" (a Public Service announcement from Awesome Zombie 22). Oh, and, "his tongue began probing my mouth"? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.....
Oh, and another typo in here, "swarming threw
my body", seriously, you can't just rely on spellcheck alone, you need to proofread your story, too. There are some things spellcheck doesn't consider. Though some programs have grammar check, too... oh, and after removing his tunic, she also removes his undershirt and tights. Describing his body as made out of heaven. Um... what? You know, it's sort of ironic, considering how it's his
drill about to pierce her,
but that's beside the point. What's the point? Virgins shouldn't attempt to write sex scenes. I honestly think that sex is the only thing that you need actual experience with to write, and by that I mean, describing it. I think that with animation, comics, and visual media in general you don't need experience with it because you don't need to put it in actual words, but with fan fiction... yeah... Oh, and have you noticed how all sex scenes in fan fiction sound the same? That's why I'm not really going to elaborate on the actual sex here, since if you've seen any Lemon, you've seen em all.
Well, I guess the only thing that makes it different from other Lemons, it's the fact that it describes the noises you make during sex as "animal noises". Erm... when people have sex, the noises they make are more blissful moans than animal noises to me. Oh wait, I'm wrong with this one on another account... this makes me cross my legs and cringe at the fact that Link's putting his fingers in her vagina. Having another person do that would be sorta painful, wouldn't it? Then again, maybe that's because, with the exception of gynecologists, I wouldn't trust anyone to handle my "flower", as Jen describes it, with their fingers like that. Also, Jen uses "women" instead of "woman" two times in a row. I'm starting to doubt her ability to not be dependent on spellcheck. Also, they're having sex outdoors.
Wouldn't somebody hear their "animal noises" and then arrest them for sex in public? Seriously, there's too much stuff that cause me to question every single thing that happens in this story! Okay, so she uses "women" instead of "woman" again, and answers one of my questions, which was, "Why does she need to leave?" but it still doesn't answer why Link can't come with her. I mean, he can fend for himself, he doesn't have any reason to not leave Hyrule... why is this a problem? Does Link have a collar that'll explode if he leaves Hyrule or something? Anyway, Link gives her a diamond ring and she says yes, of course. Oh, and you remember her saying that there were places that depended on her being there? Yeah, apparently, Jenna's so blinded by love that she'll let all those innocent people die from her negligence! Because she and Link being able to have sex is much more important than the survival of a couple villages' economies!
Oh, and I just love this typo, "I was marring Link." why do I love it? Well, I searched what marring means, and it's an actual word, and it's definition is to disfigure or impair the quality of something! Dontcha' just looooove
the sweet, delicious Irony
? I do! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
...I need serious psychological help. Anywho, she keeps on using the word "marring", like she knows how bad this story is. Or maybe it's the fact that if spellcheck were a man, she'd be some quadruple amputee woman who's married to him, leeching off his money, needing him to feed and bathe her, that's how dependent she is on it. So the chapter ends with her saying that now that she's "marred" to her man, her life is only one step away from perfection, unlike all those people you let down from not being able to be there for them.