Like a Cat, Tied to a Stick: / vs. Project ICE

If Al Gore Were Dead, He'd Be Spinning in His Grave

Murasaki's crew comes in for a landing on the Twin Tower, where they're greeted by Her Excellency Guilia and her posse of identical-looking maids◊. As hollow and empty as this world is, it appears to have a firm mastery of cloning technology, judging by how many extras we see with exactly the same face. One of the maids rushes off to take the sole surviving anonycruit to the infirmary, using her apparent ability to teleport◊ out◊ of the scene in between two adjacent frames, while Murasaki gives a status report.

We quickly learn two things about Guilia. First, she makes no effort to mask her complete indifference to personal matters. She quickly brushes off the massacre of Aika squad and the other two anonycruits, saying that it's poor luck to speak of the dead, and orders Murasaki not to search for the Captain. This makes Her Excellency sound like a sociopath, but considering how I don't care for any of the characters either, it's hard to call her on it.

Second, Guilia looks◊ and behaves like... well, an effeminate royal man. It doesn't help that she's voiced by Ishida Akira, whom you probably know better as Nagisa Kaworu, Nagi (dai Artai), or Apos. I suppose Mr. Ishida was down on his luck and needed the extra cash, or maybe he just wanted to flirt with the AKB48 girls that form the majority of the cast. ICE, for its part, at least tries to make his character a little creepy, but Guilia's unwanted advances◊ just seem laughable with her appearance, especially since Murasaki doesn't visibly react at all. In fact, the Vice Captain decides afterwards to utterly ignore her orders and investigate the baby-spawning ICE formation. Might want to work on those persuasive skills, Your Excellency.

Oh, and for those of you hoping that this gender confusion has some deeper plot relevance later in the show, let me spoil you: it doesn't.

Afterwards, we're treated to a scene in Giulia's inner sanctum that unsubtly hints that she's in on the whole ICE research scheme. This revelation would be more impressive if it hadn't already been blindingly obvious, or if it had been conveyed to us through something other than paragraphs of technobabble. Never one to overestimate the intelligence of its viewers, however, ICE proceeds to beat us over the head with this information by panning down to reveal a veritable maze of ICE formations underneath the sanctum floor.◊ And more crows.◊

Giulia also inquires about the status of some fun house amusement park. It's not because she wants to take a vacation from the drab, stupefying world she lives in—that would be reasonable. No, from the way she talks about it, it seems to be some sort of giant military fortress that moves at the blazing speed of ten meters per hour. She even pulls up a radar screen◊ showing us the progress of the fun house, which manages to both misspell "fun house" and show it moving a lot faster than it should. No wonder Mir's deorbiting went so badly: nobody knows how to take accurate measurements!

In case you thought ICE would pass up an opportunity to ruin any sense of mystery it may have built up, we now jump straight to Yuki and the Captain taking a breather at the Odaiba Fun House, already in progress. Yuki says that this is her "secret place", though she's not doing a very good job of keeping it that way considering it shows up on radar maps across the city, and asks Hitomi to open up a can of crab meat with her Revolver Sword. Yes, my friends, the elite military captain has now been reduced to a substitute can opener. Can't say I feel bad about this demotion.

Yuki runs off into a field and throws the crab meat into the air, attracting the attention of a handful of blue birds◊ and—

Wait, what?◊

Hitomi, perhaps the rational one in this whole exchange, pulls out her giant gun and yells to Yuki that this is dangerous, but Yuki just beckons to the inhuman raptors, who seem to be perfectly content with picking meager scraps off of the ground◊ instead of eating the more substantial birds and humans around them.

Then all the birds transform◊ into shrubberies.◊

Oh boy, a half-baked environmentalist message. It doesn't help that when these plantbirds sprout flowers, it looks like a giant pink miasma◊ is swallowing the pair whole, which would at least be an interestingly surreal twist. Yuki tries to explain why they weren't eaten, saying that humans are "poisoned" by civilization and therefore unsuitable as food, but fails to explain why the birds aren't similarly affected by this toxic environment, or why she's giving us this answer now instead of two minutes ago when it would actually have been relevant. At least the Captain gets her to admit that this is completely unscientific, thereby undermining this entire exchange.

Meanwhile, up on the bridge, Satsuki goes full yandere about Yuki hanging out with some Guardswoman, and decides to kill them both with yet another stupidly oversized gun.◊ Finally, a reasonable mind speaks.

And thus the first episode ends. Yeah, we're only a third of the way into this mess—buckle yourself in. Or don't, if you'd prefer to get thrown out of the car halfway through the ride. I wouldn't blame you for that.