Warning: Watching along with me
has been known to induce vomiting and pregnancy in house pets. Catching up may lead to depression, anxiety, and crippling paranoia over lost underpants. Read parts Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten only with medical approval.
Last time, on "Let’s Watch: Dinosaur Adventure!"
While searching for their lost relatives, our heroes happened upon a herd of gorillas who had survived the volcanic eruption despite everything else dying and no explanation is given for it and I can’t believe I’m already starting to complain about this in the first line of this commentary I hate this movie so much.
The gorillas were upset about Tio, Cree, and Oro eating their food, but then they weren’t, so everything’s okay now. Oro offered/was threatened into building the gorillas a phono-seismograph so they can detect volcanoes, while Tio, Cree, and New Useless Monkey Child Character (aka Nasha) scampered off somewhere to have some fun.
And so the adventure continues!
Fade in on— oh God, not again. Why does this movie even have a narrator? She doesn’t offer any new information, her existence just leads to questions about the timeline, and of course, SHE’S A SEXUALIZED DUCK. Who at Dingo thought it was a good idea to draw her like she’s posing for Playduck? All’s I can say is it’s a good thing we aren’t in the Howard the Duck universe, otherwise we’re need a LOT more brain bleach.
Sexy Duck Narrator explains that Cree, Tio, and Oro are making themselves at home with the gorillas. Nice to see how concerned you are with finding your family, there. I’m not just making that up— the SDN expressly says that Tio only starts missing his family after spending a few days with the “apes.” Way to agnst about your lost loved ones, Tio. You're a real hero.
This passage also has some QUALITY voice acting, which I’ve attempted to reproduce: “It was only, the night before. He went to sleep. That. TEE-oh got sad thinking about— his parents.” Will… SHATner— would be… proud. Also, PASS on a stupid crying crow. Oh shut up, it is not even remotely close to being sad. Maybe if the VA hadn’t had her emotions surgically removed…
ABRUPT TOPIC CHANGE! We are no longer discussing Tio’s angst; we are now being informed about the wild antics of Cree and Raja. Did the monkey child’s name change? Wait, no, it was just me mishearing because the voice actress slurred her lines. Fucking ENUNCIATE.
Back to the narration: “One day Cree came back from an excuuuursion with Raja, aaaaaalllll excited.“ Don’t tell me why he’s excited— I don’t need visuals.
How much you wanna bet that the first thing we see after the fade in is Cree and the monkey running on screen, telling us they found something exciting and thus rendering what the SDN just said utterly pointless?
Next scene: Fade in on… Cree and the monkey running on screen, telling us they found something exciting and thus rendering what the SDN just said utterly pointless.
... yuuuuuup.
Cree calls for Tio and Oro, and Oro comments that Cree is “quite beside himself.” Who even says that anymore? The only time I ever hear that phrase is in BBC period pieces— you’d have to be a dinosaur to use that… oh.
Cree attempts to stall the inevitable exposition dump by suggesting Raja take care of it. You know how sometimes, writers try to add tension and expectation to a scene by having two characters go back and forth about who should tell the others the information? This is Dingo’s attempt at that trope, and like everything else they do, it fails utterly. All I can think about is how much I want to dash my brains open on the recycled rock background in this thing.
Anyway, after only ONE instance of back-and-forth (Cree just tells Raja to tell them), Raja explains that while she and her family were running into the caves during the great volcano—but wait, if the volcano hit them, why is there still greenery around there? Shouldn't everything be as barren and orange as back in the valley?
Ooops, sorry, got distracted by the suck again. Where was I? Raja says that while she and her family were running into the caves, Raja nearly got stomped on by a GREAT BIG FOOT.
(Insert Monty Python reference here.)
Tio says, “A gigantic foot? How gigantic?” Seriously, that’s your first question? Not, “What was it attached to?” but, “How gigantic?”
“I don’t know,” says Raja, “but it was bigger than me.” If it was bigger than you then KNOW HOW BIG IT WAS, DON’T YOU??? Also, why didn’t Raja bring this up before? Not just to them, to her parents? “Hey ma, I know there’s an eruption going on and everything, but I nearly got squished by something huge living in the cave with us do you maybe wanna go take a look— no? Oh, alright, just forget I said anything.”
“A deano!” exclaims Tio. “It must have been a deano!”
“Do you remember in which direction the foot was running?” asks Oro. Fuckit, the man’s just senile. Why has no one asked what the damn thing looked like? How is it that Raja is the only one who saw this thing? WHY DIDN’T SHE SAY SOMETHING SOONER?
“No,” says Raja, “I’ve forgotten.” You forgot?? That means you knew to begin with! Did you seriously know what direction this thing went in, but not catch insignificant details like what it looked like and what the fuck it was doing there?
The leader of the gorillas, Dragòn (apparently he’s Spanish now), shows up to reveal where the deano went. “It’s quite simple,” he says, “if the foot that nearly crushed Raja was running then it was running in the same direction that we were.” Oh, Dragòn. There’s definitely something that’s simple here, but it’s not your explanation.
“We have a trial!” exclaims Tio, making sure he says the typo. “Cree Oro my parents are ALIVE!”
“Take it easy, kid,” says Oro’s misshapen potato head. Is this seriously the same stuffy old bastard who still says “quite beside yourself”? Bah. Oro continues, “All we know is that one deano is alive. But you’re right; it is time to move on.”
Fade out.
Really? That’s it? No goodbyes to the gorillas that treated them like family? No preparations for the long journey ahead? No consideration of the fact that the deano was last seen, like, three weeks ago, and is probably long gone by now?
Honestly, what was I expecting from Dingo Pictures.
Fade in on— cripes, another Sexy Duck Narrator bit. These are always brilliant.
Well, she at least answers my questions about leaving the gorillas— they do indeed say their goodbyes, and Oro gives them “an exact copy” of his device, which is weird, because wasn’t the original destroyed in the volcano? Whatever.
“The apesssss promised him to turn on—” DUCK CROTCH SHOT! No way is that line synchronizing unintentional! It’s a furry conspiracy! “—the machine every day, and to run for safety should it start drawing curves.” Thanks for that, SDN— I'm sure it'll be ever so useful.
PASS shots of the crow flying, including one from front on. And I suddenly realize why Dingo never draws thing from the front. Its wings look like they’re doing the YMCA.
“After Kala (the female gorilla) made them a BIG bundle of food, they moved. On.”
Wow, Sexy Duck Narrator. You actually managed to respond to two of the things that were bugging me about the last scene. Good for you. Of course, BAD FOR YOU FOR TELLING ME! Seriously, it would NOT have been hard to cut this scene out, and give the lines to the dinosaurs.
TIO: Gee, what will we eat on our long journey?
KALA: Don’t worry, I’ll make you a BIG bundle of food.
ORO: Thank you. You have been so kind to us. We will not forget you.
TIO: (head jitters slightly to signify crying)
CREE: (acts like an asshole, tries to pork children)
See? Not that hard.
And so our insipid— I mean, intrepid heroes go forth to find the missing deano, “heading west.” Uh, weren’t they already heading west? Gee, how “lucky” that Cree picked the right straw. (headdesk) Really, though it is lucky— for us. It means the movie isn’t any bit longer than it already is.
Ten minutes to go, people! Will the heroes find their families? Will I shoot my brains out? The answer to one of those questions is yes— find out which one, next time!
