The hiatus is over! Unfortunately, the movie is not. How I wish it were.
Follow along here
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Fuck I hate this movie, but I’ve put this off long enough. No more dilly-dallying. No more vacation. No more madness.
Wait, no— lots more madness. Lots and lots of lots.
So, recap: Tio and Cree escaped the volcanic eruptions by hiding out in a cave with a bunch of crocs. After a few days, they leave the cave and meet up with Oro. The crocodiles disappear and Oro, Tio, and Cree decide to look for survivors, starting by heading west. End recap.
Fade in on the Sexy Duck Narrator, flying past the post-volcano landscape. This only adds to the confusion about when the hell this framing device is set. Is she actually just stalking around behind them? If so, why was she outside when the volcanoes were erupting. I’m so confused.
That annoying single note of music from earlier drones on as SDN expositions: “Tio, Cree, and Oro set out, it was just as Oro feared. Not all the deanos had managed to get away in time and were de-ad.” You sound real sympathetic there, SDN— except, minus the “sym.” “But luckily, Tio’s parents, were not among them.”
How does she know— she’s just stalking them! Is she drawing this conclusion from the fact they can’t find the bones? I’m pretty sure that’s a logical fallacy. And if it is true, way to ruin the suspense, SDN. You are the worst narrator in the history of ever— this is why you don't give ducks exposition.
But back to the narration: “But. They couldn’t find a trail. Or, anything to eat!” PASS: Crow. “They got hungrier, and weaker. They were about to give up, when Cree—” ARGH DUCK CROTCH SHOT! “—when Cree came flying up, aaaaaaall, excited, and started to tell them…”
Fade out.
You know, on the one hand I applaud DP for not telling us everything that’s about to happen, like they usually do. They set up a decent narrative transition here— the narrator says something, then we cut to the main plot, where the idea is finished. It’s a bit forced, but it could have worked.
But of course it doesn’t, because instead of cutting they FADED OUT! STOP FUCKING FADING OUT ALL THE TIME DINGO PICTURES, IT SLOWS THINGS RIGHT THE FUCK DOWN! When you want quick transitions, you cut; when you want lengthy transitions, you fade. This is a device that REQUIRES cutting, and you— you— YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING YOU TRY! I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I ARGH!
But back to the movie. Piece of crap...
Cree flies down, yelling that he’s found food— grass, to be specific. "Greeeeeeen" grass, to be more specific.
Tio and Oro waddle over while the sounds of an 80s synth helicopter drone on in the background. They start eating the grass and then FUCK THE WHAT oh shit it’s a gorilla.
... A gorilla.
...
I just, I… they aren’t even trying. I could say so much, but I won’t— it’s not even worth saying.
Anyway, the gorilla makes an angry face, then a few seconds later a snarl kicks in. The VA must have been asleep at the mic; I know I would be. The snarl startles Tio, who does this weird machine-gun whimper while his head jitters in fear. What is WITH the jittering, it that the only way the animators can show emotion?
We cut to a crowd of about ten loud, chatty gorillas (there are really just two types, copied several times). The leader of them slurs out, “Whoarywhydjou eat our grass! Give it back immediately!” Lady— are you a lady? You sound like one, but that’s hardly an indicator with these producers— anyway, lady/mister/androgynous gorilla, trust me— you do not want that grass back.
Cree steals my joke and handles it with Dingo‘s usual finesse— that is, he runs it into the ground. His “laugh” animation plays, though once more there are no actual sounds of laughter, and he says, “How’d you like your grass back again, huh? Wouldn’t be very appetizing it I was to give it back. (laugh animation without laughter)” Dingo, the only way you could have make that joke less funny is if you’d added, “Get it? Because I’d have to poop it out!”
The gorillas growl and Cree flies away, leaving Tio and Oro to suffer their mammalian wrath.
Oro explains that they didn’t mean to take anything from the gorillas, that they were just so hungry because they hadn’t eaten for weeks. This statement promptly shuts the gorillas up. Like, it's instantaneous. Apparently gorillas are suckers for sob stories— remember that next time you’re in West Africa.
You know, these designs look very familiar— they remind me of Tarzan’s gorillas. Imma go check and see if Dingo did a Tarzan rip off and is just reusing footage.
Yup, Lord of the Jungle. Fuck you Dingo Pictures. Just fuck you.
One of the gorillas says she feels sorry for the dinos and offers to let them eat a little more food. Some weird carnival/jaw harp music plays and we cut to Cree eating more grass. A little gorilla walks up to him. “You’re a cute ape,” says Cree, exhibiting both his child predator habits and his distain for scientific classifications. “What’s your name?” Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
“Nasha,” says the gorilla. Great, just what we needed, more useless secondary characters. You just got rid of the crocs, and now you’re bringing in more pointless characters? Just use the ones you have! Remember Faa? And the green seahorse? And the gray triceratops, and the Harlequin-eyed red monster? And… (sigh) … Peak? If you wanted to bring in more characters, they were available. (Sigh.)
Brown female gorilla asks where the three came from, and Oro explains that they live “directly under the volcano,” which everyone knows isn’t true but that’s really not the worst crime against logic happening here. Tio asks if the gorillas have seen any “teanos” come by.
“No you’re the first,” says the black male gorilla. Oh, sorry, he wasn’t quite done— I stupidly thought a full stop meant he has finished his sentence. “Deanos we’ve seen since the eruption.”
Oro and Tio fear they’ve gone in the wrong direction, but they need their strength before they can head back. Brown gorilla says, “What do you say Dragon (I guess that’s the male gorilla’s name), they could say here ‘til they— they’re recuperated.” Nice save there, female VA. “There’s enough for aluss as well.” What is she, drunk?
Dragon growls, which causes Tio’s head to jitter. Brown gorilla comforts him, saying, “Now don’t cry my little one.” For one so small, you seem so strong… “You can stay with us, and when you’re feeling better, you can continue your search.” My arms’ll hold you keep you safe and warm…
Oro likes this idea, stating, “I can continue working on my INVENTION!” FOR SCIENCE!
The gorillas ask about the invention, and Cree reveals it’s just the Jurassic seismograph he’s had all movie. That’s not news to any viewer, but since it is news to the gorillas, we have a scene explaining what the invention does, why Oro didn’t predict the eruption, how he did but no one believed him, yadda yadda blah blah the gorillas want Oro to build them one, too. This better become a plot point, Oro— I'm warning you.
Cree finds this all very dull, and for once I agree with him. He turns to Nasha the gorilla child and sats, “Let’s go play.” Extremely closeup on Tio, and it seems like the start of a “Tio gets jealous” plot, but it turns out to be nothing and they all run off somewhere together. Poor Nasha, she doesn’t know what she’s in for.
Fade out. Can you believe there’s still fifteen minutes left to this POS? I can hardly wait for the next installment! I just have to finish VOMITING IN RAGE.
