(Whoo, part 8! Only [unknown] parts left to go! Watch along with me here
. You know you want to.)
When we left off, there was an earthquake, Tio laughed, and Cree was terrified, shouting “Mammoth mayhem!” Nothing like those anachronistic animal references, amirite?
So, what was Cree all freaked out about? It turns out, the volcano is erupting! Gasp, sock, awe. Cheap special effects explode everywhere. The eruption of the volcano looks more like a soap bubble that bursts while it’s still in the wand, and it spews snowflakes. Oh, the horror. The unbelievable terror.
Suddenly, we get a closer shot of the volcano— it's shooting out red MS Paint globs! Dammit, those are deadly!
Before I go on, some attention must be paid to the sound effects. If you listen, and not even closely, you will hear the sounds of shattering glass, a campfire, and wind, all rolled together. Long time viewers may remember them from Anastasia, and multiple other Dingo works. It sounds like Dingo Pictures raided the effects closet for this, and it the result is... really lame. Of course. Really really lame.
Back to the story. Cree runs and Tio’s head jitters in terror. Ha ha, my wish came true— he has at last learned the taste of fear! Now for my next wish, I want some pyroclastic material to rip his head off.
“Quick Tio quick,” shouts Cree. “There must be a cave around here somewhere!” Caves— solving all your volcano-related problems since 100 million BC.
The crocodiles jump out of the lake, exclaiming, “Ooooh it’s hot let’s get out of here!” Way to tell, guys—you show those... people who show, not tell. The crocs are also suddenly walking on their hind legs. What is with this movie and hind legs? They follow Tio and Cree... somewhere. It's never really shown.
More red globs explode out of the volcano. Those clipart brontosauruses show up again, but this time they’ve inverted the camera's colours, so instead of grey, they’re… blackish. The ground is suddenly redish and the sky is dark, as well. When did this movie turn into Dante’s Peak?
We cut to Bluey, I think, except he’s not blue— he’s also black. He’s at the edge of a cliff, howling— at what? The volcano? The moon? Whatever. Cut to Greeney running, and fade to black. Yeah, she just runs for a while, then the scene ends.
Well, that was a tension-free volcanic eruption. It’s a good thing they worked so hard to keep that scene as dull and uninteresting as possible, otherwise I might have had an emotion other than rage. Thanks, movie!
We fade into the next scene, which has Tio, Cree, and the crocs hiding in a cave. Tio is crying. Ha ha!
“It’s the end of the world,” comments a croc. “It’s raining fire, the water’s boiling, and we’re all gonna die.” Perk up a bit, croc! At least you won’t have to be in this movie anymore!
“So Oro was right,” says Tio tearfully. FUCKING DUH.
“Well how were we to know he could just as easily have been wrong and, and we’d have all moved away for nothing,” whines Cree. I normally hate to side with him, but considering Oro did such a shit job of explaining how he knew the volcano would erupt, Cree is right. For a supposed genius, Oro’s a dumbass.
Tio is worried about the others, who are “all under the volcanoes.” They are? They didn’t look it. “They’ll burn for sure.” You know, for kids.
“Yeah,” says Cree. “It looks as though we’ve been lucky again!” Asshole; the kid’s parents are dinosaur stew. And so are your friends and family and, well, everyone you know in the world. Show some sympathy.
Tio calls him on it. “But my parents, Oro, and Peak and—” Oro? He’s still there? If he honestly believed his prediction, he would have left after the meeting. He's long gone by now, unless he’s a complete dumbass.
… oh, right, he’s totally still there.
“It won’t be so bad,” says Cree. “Maybe they believed Oro after all and ran away!” If even Oro didn’t split, I doubt anyone else did.
Tio agrees with me. Even he can sense bullshit when it's this thick. “I don’t think so,” he says.
“Oh, well, I— nor do I, really.” That might have been sad or even touching, if the actors could act and this movie weren’t complete crap.
Tio walks off, but Cree calls him back. The crocs agree: “You can’t go out, there’s liquid fire everywhere (breath) you’ll never get through.” How far in this cave are they, anyway, that they can’t hear the volcano and are protected from it? Oh, whatever, I don't really care about the cave.
“But what should we doooooo?” asks Tio.
“Nothing!” replies his bird-brained companion. “Wait.”
“That’s easy to say,” says a croc, “but it’s terribly hot in here. If we have to stay in here much more, I’ll turn into a fire lizard!” Ha, a pun while the world dies in flame. Charming.
And on that oh-so-important note, the scene ends. This movie really blows at ending scenes. Here’s a hint: When everything the scene was supposed to accomplish is done, cut. Do not leave questions dangling, do not introduce concepts into the scene without addressing them, and try very, very hard not to end on a joke— especially at a moment of high tension. Don't stop just because you ran out of ways to keep the scene going longer.
And of course, the cardinal rule of editing: If your company name is Dingo Pictures, stop. Stop everything. Quit while you’re ahead and we’re all sane. Just stop. This is also the cardinal rule for animation, art, voice acting, writing, and every other aspect of film making. It is a dear and precious rule that the producers of this garbage seem to have missed. Damn them.
Okay, next scene has the return of the Sexy Duck Narrator.
Wait. When exactly is this story being told? It’s clearly not at the same time as the main plot, because she’s not dead and the world isn't destroyed. But there was a shot earlier in the main plot, with the crow that’s stalking the SDN. So, did the main plot happen a few months ago? Years? Decades? Is the crow a time traveler? Is it a different crow? How does the SDN know all this? Who is she? Why is she telling us this? Who told her? Why are there so many unanswered questions? Why am I still watching this? Why do the plot holes bother me this much?
Oh whatever, let’s just get it done. The fire lizard joke, which you will remember from five seconds ago, was not very funny to begin with. However, the SDN beats the dead jokes into a fine paste by explaining, “Of course, the crocodile didn’t turn into a fire lizard.” No shit! Thanks for the heads up, Sherlock! “The friends had to stay in the caaave for many days.“ PASS crow. I don't like the way she emphasized "friends." “They were terribly hungry and thirsty—”
ARGH DUCK CROTCH SHOT LOOK AWAY
“—one of them was always putting his head out, and then pulling it back in quickly. The air was SOOOO stifling that one could hardly breathe—" Which one? "and it was still raining ash.” Raining ash— that describes this movie in a nutshell. “After almost a week, the air cleared, and everybody could breathe again.” Fade out.
The air cleared within a week? One week? If it was such a huge earthquake, it could have been erupting for a week. Volcanic ash stays in the atmosphere for weeks at least, and some of the ash doesn't dissolve for years. Also, they are stuck in a cave for a week without food or water, and the air is hot enough that they can’t breathe? I get that you can survive a while without food and water, but going days without water in a very hot environment is impossible. You will die. And if you can’t even breathe because of the heat, guess what! YOU DIE! YOU DIE IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE! Why is everyone still alive? Not "how"— why. Why, why, why why why why why why why why WHY— WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US, DINGO??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
And the worst part? This is supposed to be the inciting moment of the movie. This is what gets the plot rolling, so we can enjoy the zany events in the rest of the movie. This is end of Act 1, and now we can move on to the rest of the movie. Which is a whopping TWENTY MINUTES LONG! We have spent 25 minutes— more than half the movie— just building up to this point, and we still don’t really have a plot.
Gah. GAH, just GAH. I can’t believe I still have twenty minutes of this to go through. I can’t believe it’s been twenty five minutes already. I can’t… believe…
Gah.
To be continued, although I really wish it weren’t.
