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Twilight: Of Sues, Sparkles, And Other Things Beginning with S
Yon Troper

[table of contents]
Chapter 1: In Which Bella Arrives On An Alien Planet
Yes, I know, I'm beating a dead horse here. I don't know if anybody did Twilight on the old liveblog forum, but there's definitely none here. Does the world really need another nerd snarking at Twilight?

Why, yes it does.

I have more than a passing familiarity with Twilight: having two younger sisters who drag you off to see every single movie with them will do that to you. (Seriously, they read all the books 25 times each! Thank Christ they're moving on...) The movies weren't awful, but they were uninspiring. I resisted reading the book for as long as I could, but now I'm about to open it up. I do know what happens in it, and I'll comment on that in relation to the current events in the plot. And no, I won't say that the sparkles are the worst thing ever to happen to vampires. Get over it, internet.

Chapter 1: First Sight (of Forks. Just another canned chapter title; looking at the contents, Smeyer really needs to come up with some more creative chapter names.)

So we start out with Bella's mother driving her to the airport in Phoenix so she can go to Forks. It's seventy-five degrees outside (how does Bella know that?), and she's wearing sleeveless white eyelet lace (I don't know what that is). We now get a nice forey into omniscient so Bella can describe Forks. It's inconsequential, apparently, though I think the 3,120 people who live there would disagree. How dare Bella ignore the fishing and lumber industries like this?! It does have the highest rainfall in the U.S., though, so at least Smeyer got that right. Anyway, her mother (Renee) apparently "escaped" from there when Bella was only a few months old, and since then Bella's spent a few weeks there every summer until she turned 14 and put her foot down. What was so bad about Forks? Alas, this is destined to remain a Noodle Incident. And now Bella's going back to Forks again, because... I dunno, magic?

Renee, before Bella gets on the plane, is described as looking like Bella with short hair and laugh lines, even though we don't know what Bella looks like (I'm just picturing a middle-aged Kristen Stewart). Bella is going to leave her mother now, even though she hates going to Forks, and from what it seems Renee's going to starve, get her house repossessed, crash her car and get lost. This makes it sound more interesting. It's a five-hour flight in total from Phoenix to Port Angeles, and an hour's drive down to Forks. From what I can see, though, Forks has its own airport. Research not done. It's going to be awkward with Charlie (a.k.a. Bella's dad, a.k.a. MOUSTACHE), because neither of them is "verbose". I'm not sure that's the right word, but whatever. Also, he's confused by Bella's decision. Welcome to my world, Charlie.

Bella only has a few bags, because most of her clothes are too permeable for winter and her wardrobe is still scanty. Bad word choices, again. Charlie's bought Bella a truck from the sixties! Oh man, I would love if my dad bought me one of those. But still, Bella pushes off the memories of its original owner Billy Black as "painful and unnecessary" and basically pushes him off. Bitch. Anyway, Forks is apparently too green, like an alien planet. What I can see of pictures of Forks, though, is mostly grey, probably because it's raining. And Bella likes the hippie wagon as soon as she sees it. That's one thing she's nice about, at least. She goes to her room. Do 17-year-old girls say "stipulation"? Now we get to the description of Forks High School. It only has 358 students! Speaking as someone whose combined middle and high school in the U.S. had about 300 students, that's not so bad. She freaks out about the usual student-at-a-new-school things - is she going to fit in, are they going to be nice, blah blah blah. Well, that's realistic stuff, but it shouldn't be over not looking like a girl from California. Look, I've been to California, and not everybody is "tan, sporty and blond". Then she starts crying. Should I get her a pacifier?

Nothing much interesting from this point until we learn that Renee and Charlie got married in Las Vegas. Charlie dressed as Elvis: coolest. Image. Ever. It's not obvious that Forks High School is a school, except for the sign that says Forks High School. Has Smeyer been reading Gifford Bailey? She's sad that there's no chain-link fences and metal detectors. I would've thought that was a good thing. And the teacher gawks at her when he learns she's Bella Swan. That's not encouraging... Anyways, she's got a reading list, which she's read all of, and I'll say this: I don't think a teenage girl would enjoy reading WILLIAM FRIKKIN' FAULKNER. And there's an overly helpful boy whose name is Eric. He wants to show her around, but he's ugly, so of course that's a bad thing. And he doesn't laugh at Bella's lame joke, oh noes. She also ignores a girl who's talking to her (Angela, I think... bear with me on this).

Then she goes to lunch, and heeeeeeeeere's the Cullens! Edward has bronze hair. I've never heard anybody's hair described as "bronze" before. They're just beautiful and Bella stares at them. Should I just run now? And Edward's watching her. *runs and sticks head in the toilet, crying at bad memories of the movie*

OK, I'm back. We get a description of how the Cullens live, Emmett with Rosalie and Alice with Jasper, Eddie's single and probably because he's gay, they live together with Carlisle, they might have been adopted. You Should Know This Already. And then there's the Biology Class Scene, where she sits next to Edward and she seems to smell bad. Then she meets ANOTHER overly friendly boy, this one's Mike. Bella seems to get along better with him (I'll bet it's because he's "cute"). Mike tells her Edward's weird. We already knew that. And it's going to get weirder. He wants to transfer out of biology because Bella smells like poo-poo. He doesn't get it and runs off like a douche. Bella goes home. End of chapter.

Not promising, really. Maybe it'll get better. I hope.
4th Feb '11 10:17:54 PM flag for mods
comments
Oh boy, won't this be fun to watch.
SpellBlade 4th Feb 11
"Seventy-five degrees?" Is this the same Phoenix that I know, here?

The "bronze" hair doesn't seem so weird to me, though, because I have a friend whose hair is exactly that color. It's basically brown with red highlights. Which makes sense when you see that his dad has brown hair and his mom has red hair. So, uh—point to Meyer?
FreezairForALimitedTime 4th Feb 11
My aunt has hair like that as well, though I don't know if she dyes it or not since I'm pretty sure it's naturally brown. The mom was blond in this case, though.
lee4hmz 5th Feb 11
Yeah, I know what Meyer was getting at. Just seemed like an odd word to use when "auburn" would have been OK. At least Bella doesn't meander to the refrigerator to get victuals. [/thesaurus]
YonTroper 5th Feb 11
Twilight liveblogging? Now this I have to see :D
slowzombie 5th Feb 11
I dunno; to me, "auburn" usggests a level of red somewhat higher than "bronze" and oh my god why am I being pedantic about this I need fresh air.
FreezairForALimitedTime 5th Feb 11
This is eyelet lace. It's pretty and breathy. If y'still care.

FurikoMaru 28th Mar 11
Funny. Truly hilarious.
PeopleRstupid 25th Apr 11
I suspect, from reading a blog by an ex-Mormon young woman, that that's the way Joseph Smith, their prophet, is described by them. She specifically meant the eyes and paleness, but the hair probably counts too.

83.44.130.30 21st Oct 11
I liked the pacifier joke. What a baby?! Oh, and us teen girls don't use the word "stipulation". As a matter of fact, I had to look it up and before that, I thought it was a joke about her making a typo with the word "situation". Let's just say I don't have the highest vocabulary.
BibsDibs 30th Jul 13
^ So expanding on my comment earlier, Stephenie Meyers is wrong.
BibsDibs 30th Jul 13
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