Hello again!
Let's start this thing by liveblogging the opening credits and scaring everyone away. So...
-*starts up film*
...
-*starts up film*
Wait a minute...ugh. I think I accidentally deleted VLC when I was cleaning up my hard drive a while back; wait a few lines.
...re-downloading...
...booting up...
...all right. Here we go. We've got the title card, and—oh, skipping the credits for a blank white screen. Who knows what goes on behind the void? Ice planet things, apparently, because the white comes from snow.
We see some sort of bunker. So they are going to do this scene. Something secret is going on here, on the last planet the authorities would think to search for plotters: Bizarro Arrakis.
Wait; correction—that's not a bunker. It's a flag, and now there's a "a battle took place here" Dead People Montage while Princess Irulan does what she does best: exposition. There has been a timeskip of twelve years since the last movie, during which a bunch of people died in the galactic crusades of Muad'dib (aka Paul Atreides).
But today, on the planet Naraj Bizarro Arrakis, which appears to be a Planet of Hats where the hat is a badass pair of goggles—
Wait; more fighting. Let's wait this out...
...on Arrakis? Damn; guess they're not doing the whole ice planet "here is how we are going to bring the empire to its knees" intro. Could be worse, though, because it spoiled the whole plot of the antagonists before chapter one.
Exposition...same stuff as the last movie (still as dangerous a planet as usual—good; if it wasn't, I'd be worried that something had happened!)...
A Mysterious Cloaked Figure makes their way through the streets of Arakeen. And there is a human skull lying on the ground for no reason—no one really cares. Over this, the opening credits play. Because I'm so bad at names, I can't tell which actors switched out this way. We'll just have to see.
Hm; score that does not fit in at all.
And they added a pyramid motif onto the palace. Some remodeling. A crowd of people gather outside said addition, and it becomes clear who they were waiting for.
Alia has gotten twelve years older and is displaying the same genetic marker as her brother, the Emperor—being played by someone in her twenties while she ought to be a teenager. This time you're actually given a number of years to add up and prove that she ought to look younger.
That said—nice dress, actually. The intricate collar part is a pretty good idea.
She runs some sort of religious service, which doesn't last long. Back inside the palace, Cloak Guy reveals himself to be Paul—same actor, same blonde hair, and this time he looks too young. But then, only three years had passed since the last film was made compared to twelve in the continuity.
A couple of attendants caution him that going out in disguise never ends well—oh, shit. All of his employees are bald. Fine look and all, but it's going to be hard to tell them apart from a distance. Never thought I'd say this, but needs more crazy hats. Apparently, one of these advisors is old companion Stilgar. New actor, it appears, and a younger actor, as they replaced the previous guy with someone who looks like Nero from the Star Trek movie. 
: He is Nero, and this is a really weird alternate timeline.
Paul goes to his bedroom, where Chani was napping. Either this is a new actress or she is wearing a lot of makeup that she didn't last time. In any case, the doctor told her to rest, her being pregnant.
Later—of course. You can't call it a Dune adaptation if it doesn't have dream sequences. Prescience is a trap, etc, spoilers of the actual Children of Dune portion of the film, etc, all within some underground maze.
Meanwhile!! On Salusa Secundus, where the family of the last emperor of the galaxy has been exiled: now they're doing the whole conspiracy part. But first, let me express my disappointment with the tame surface of this prison planet, which is made out to be quite the Death World. It's barren, cloudy and covered in rocks, but if I were making a death world, I'd get a little more creative like that. For me, the words evoke a lethal lava land where it rains skin-rending acid and is prowled by Orc expys, man-eating trees and giant battle bears. And that's just the surface—the largest and most dangerous alien that stalks Harmattane's Planet O' Doom is the moon, a million-toothed carnivorous beast that eats passing ships, and all of that drifts in a shrinking orbit that slowly spirals into the sun over several thousands of years.
...okay, done.
Here we've got Princess Irulan's sister, the old Revered Mother, and—PAUSE. The princess is another Romulan! Compare: [1]
◊ [2]
◊ Clearly, something is in the works.
...and an unfamiliar guy who is with them, the Face Dancer (shapeshifter type) Scytale of the planet Tleilax, a man of few lines. Kind of a fun villain in a very sedate book, really. To sum up the initial exchange in a sentance: "Hey guys; I've got something to show you."
He leads the two women to a back room, where he brings their asassination weapon of choice through a portal...
...no. No, this is not deceased Atreides master swordsman Duncan Idaho. Way, wayyyy unfamiliar actor. These two should not be convinced.
Fun fact: In, I think, the sixth grade, I actually got through about half of the first Dune before going "eek I can't read this good yet; let's try again in eight years", but just far enough for this guy to be my first PSL ever. Little did I know that he would spend the whole rest of the series either dying or seducing the galaxy.
Heh; perfect restoration? We won't really know that until we know if he still has the Scottish accent, and Scytale has the prescious Laser-Guided Tyke-Bomb in stasis. I'd think you'd want that tested out before you give him to the Emperor.
Tleilaxu Replica Accuracy Score: 2.5/10 Nice try.
Okay, fine place to stop. I'm short on time, so take this battle bear
◊ in lieu of anything to read (large image).
Comments
Fun fact: In, I think, the sixth grade, I actually got through about half of the first Dune before going "eek I can't read this good yet; let's try again in eight years"