- Page: 3
Knives are deadlier than 20-story falls [Tarot]
"CAIN" The Secretary for the Bureau of Prisons gives a rousing speech about how he won't let ARK buy out the city's prison system. I didn't think secretaries got voting rights on the city council, but whatever. The important part is the creepy guy watching the speech on TV. Apparently the city council hearings aren't just limited to that local access channel that is only watched by shut-in grandmothers and stoners without cable. So this creepy guy is using Technicolor Science liquids in his lab which involves injecting a pigeon with poison because everyone knows that poison liquids have to be green. Later that night, THE CAPE sneaks in to the ARK HQ. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's using the same master keycard from the last episode either. THE CAPE accesses the villain's magical computer and finds that Toby from The West Wing...er, Patrick Portman, the prison secretary guy, is on it. Along with the creepy guy, who now has the name Cain. He's a murderer, and a Frenchman at that! Brief aside, we've already discussed how ARK apparently has no security in their IT dept. Couldn't Chess at least have locked his computer or hidden his files rather than risk some do-gooder sneaking in and putting together his plan? I guess that folder on his Desktop labeled EVIL PLANS - PLEASE DO NOT READ was probably a bit suspicious. Anyways, Chess walks into the room and THE CAPE uses his The Cape, as his revenge is oh so close! But Cain appears, and stabs him through his supposedly "unkillable" body armor with a knife. On top of that, the knife has a fast-acting poison which will shut down his lungs and suffocate him from the inside! THE CAPE jumps out a window (well, more like falls through it. Same difference in hollywood physics.) and lands back-first on a car 20 stories down. C'mon, not even going to use any of that escape artistry? Instead, we're just given Silver Age comic logic and to accept it. Luckily, Summer Glau arrives just in time in a souped-up Benz to save him as he notices a The Tower arcana tattooed on Cain's forearm. What symbolism could this mean? Pop-quiz for the commercial break: What character in Persona 4 do you have to spend time with to raise your The Tower S-Link?
"MAX MALLINI" Summer Glau continues driving THE CAPE away from the scene as she explains that if ARK gains control of the prisons, they'll have a full police state! Right, because simply having the police work for you and giving campaign contributions to local judges isn't enough. You need to make sure the prison guards who verbally and physically abuse the falsely-arrested people are corporate-paid instead of government-paid. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. She drives him over to Max (Keith David) and the circus freaks as they engage in a little bit of faith healing and injecting him with another SCIENCE! liquid to get the poison out of him. Take note that when Cain poisoned him, it was the dead of night. Now, it's morning. What's worse: that Summer apparently took several hours to drive to a location in the same city? Or that the "fast-acting poison" took several hours to bring THE CAPE to the brink of death? Chess should really get his money back. In flashback world, we learn that Vince was a veteran from THE WAR. It's never said which one. Then we cut to present day at the Faraday household where Black Friend reappears with his wife to meet with the widowed Dana. Essentially, they say, "Your husband was a traitorous cop-killer. More wine?" Back in carnival-land, Vince is arguing with Max who has taken his The Cape from him. The conversation goes like this: "Give me my The Cape back Max!" "You're not ready to use it!" "Fine! I don't need that stupid cape!"
"HUNTING PORTMAN" Vince hobbles over to the local Palm City bazaar and finds what might be a potential THE CAPE Cave. Elsewhere, Chess is arranging several holographic representations of people and places, and with his magical computer puts them on...wait for it...A CHESS BOARD! He spins the holographic chess board around with his fingers until the name Siren pops up. Who or what is Siren? It's never mentioned again in this episode. Meanwhile, at city hall, Summer Glau saves Toby from the West Wing before a disguised Cain can stab him. However, trouble persists at Vince's old home when the son Trip is mad that his mom is using her maiden name to find a job, because apparently "Faraday" now translates to "I love cop-killers" in the local dialect. Cut to a flashback of Vince deciding to name his new son Trip after his great-granddaddy who fought in WWI. Now Vince has found a new method of training: setting an old pitching machine to fire knives at him. Unfortunately, he set it to "Stephen Strasburg," and ducks under the target before the machine fillets him. Its the start of another training montage! Vince also decides to eat tiny drops of different poisons, because everyone knows that eating poison will immunize you and not make you either very sick or dead depending on the dosage. Finally, he puts on a special The Mask, and lets out a war cry for no reason. Maybe he should've double checked that the safety pin was fastened right before putting his The Mask on.
Cut to a darkened alley, where THE CAPE (or is it The Mask now?) is beating up random people, though not without some injuries to himself. Apparently, it works just like an MMORPG: beat up enough guys indiscriminately and whoever's left will take you to their leader. Remember folks, this is the Good Guy! After some bargaining, the only conscious thug says he'll tell The Mask everything about Cain. And as he leaves Summer Glau reappears to point out that The Tower on the guy's forearm is an important plot point: he's part of "a secret society of killers" who hung out on the Persona 4 forums until they decided to commit murders for real. Anyways, The Mask goes to a rendezvous with the thug, but just as the thug is about to cough up Cain's next attack, everyone in the bar is poisoned! Wow, the health inspector is really gonna ride the bartender's ass for this one. Running low on leads, The Mask meets with Toby from the West Wing himself, who is getting fed up with this shit. Death threats, emails, flaming bags of poo and pizza deliveries he never ordered...he can't take it anymore. Luckily, The Mask is there to encourage Toby to keep going. "So you're some do-good vigilante? Some superhero?" "I'm THE CAPE!" Those last two lines were verbatim. I swear Also, Vince's ex-wife decides to take his son's advice and use her married name. Some nondescript lawyer guy brushes her off, but she begs him for a job. However, this being a fictional tale, the lawyer listens to her impassioned plea and decides to give her a job, instead of saying, "Nice story, but I've got a thousand grads fresh out of law school who will work for circus peanuts, and they don't have husbands who murdered a police chief. Good day."
"THE CAPE vs. CAIN" Vince uses Black Friend's password to hack into ARK's super-secret servers and discovers with Orwell's help that Cain was a French chef named Raymond Le Fleur, but after a horrible sanity-shaking incident involving Gordon Ramsay and a rotten slab of salmon, he decided to just poison people instead. Suddenly, A KNIFE! But Vince catches it as Max reappears to hand him back his The Cape. Leading up to the "it wasn't the [item], the power was in you all along!" speech. Yeah, and when THE CAPE can grab objects and people from several yards away without the help of CG animation, you give me a call. THE CAPE finds Cain's hideout and grabs him, only to discover the figure was a mannequin. Elsewhere, at some fancy restaurant, Summer Glau settles down to a table for one next to the table that Toby and esteemed millionaire Peter Fleming are sitting at when she sees the real Cain is working there. She calls up Vince to warn him quickly (how did she get his number?) as Cain poisons the bird he plans to serve to the secretary. Don't you see? The pigeon at the beginning was foreshadowing this! Will THE CAPE make it in time? Cain invites Summer to be "his guest in the kitchen," and then tries to stab her with a knife, but THE CAPE shows up in the nick of time to save the day! Using what he learned with the pitching machine, THE CAPE is easily able to deal with Cain by making some French Roast (okay, more like a grill, but I had to work in that pun somewhere) as Summer takes the poisoned chicken away from Toby. In the finale, all is well, as Toby reaffirms his commitment to not letting ARK take over the prison system and the city council agrees. It's going to suck when the Mayor has to replace him before next election after a video showing Toby with a naked ten year old boy surfaces. But that assumes that Chess has another rare moment of competency. The show ends with THE CAPE standing on a rooftop, apparently because no one built a CAPE-signal on it yet.
And that's the two-hour premiere of THE CAPE, ladies and gentlemen! Who knows, if I'm feeling particularly bitchy enough I might write another one for the next episode. Or if there's enough demand. The only question is what Silver Age plot device are they gonna use in the next episode? Well, that and why the hell a villain who's obsessed with chess still hasn't changed the stupid locks on his door. I guess there's no rule saying you have to be smart to like chess, but you look at other rich villains like Lex Luthor and you think this guy could have been so much more than he is.
The only question is what Silver Age plot device are they gonna use in the next episode? Let's all hope for gorillas. Or possibly Red Capetonite.
You're acting like zany Silver Age hijinx wouldn't greatly improve the show.
- Page: 3