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Idler briefly runs through "Who Is Voldemorts Dad?"
Idler 20

[table of contents]
And so it ends
Sorry this has come so late, but better late than never, eh?

Also, I should note, as I failed to in the first installment, that the title of the first chapter was WTF? Find out more! "WTF?" I guess he has a better understanding of likely reactions to his story than I've given him credit for. The title of this chapter is the only marginally more descriptive Some magical happenings happens!.

Chapter 2:

NOT SO FAST SIR VERNON OF DURSLY!" shouted Dumbledore as he jumped though the door with his double barrelled wand which was like to wands stuck together with magic tape. Sir Vernon? What, he wasn't quite enough of a Marty Stu for the author's liking, so he had to be knighted? For what? Services to child abuse?

Vernon does a spit take, and the spit hits the people in front of him. Ewww. He then points his guitar, which has a wand built into it, at Dumbledore. The wand is so super-powerful that it blows the clothes off Tonks. Ah, absolutely inexplicable fanservice at completely inappropriate times. Truly, this is D'ark Y'agami's Signature Style. Then, Dumbledore reveals that he is Vernon's father. So wait, Vernon's father and son have banded together to kill him? Wow, this is like a Greek tragedy. A really moronic Greek tragedy. Next thing you know, Vernon will be screwing his own mother. Who will be referred to only as Vernon's Mom. Hey, it happened in Dark Yagami, didn't it?

Vernon slaps his knees in despair, and then Voldemort parachutes in through the window bit in the sealing of the gig. I assume he means a skylight. Vernon asks how he survived his Avrakadavra, and Voldemort's response is "I usedů. MAGIC!" Well done D'ark, you've managed to implement A Wizard Did It in a setting where practically every character is a wizard, and still had it be an egregious Ass Pull! Vernon is shocked, so Dumbledore takes the opportunity to shoot him twice, once in each heart.

...Wait, what? Since when does Vernon have two hearts? Since when do wizards have two hearts? Is Vernon the Doctor?...Actually, given his absurd prowess in this fic, that wouldn't surprise me. 'NOOOOOOOO~~!" screamed Tonks who was naked and extremly sexy. No doubt she'll start "lesbeaning" with someone in short order. I can't get over how sterile the writing of sex is in these stories; it's as though he doesn't understand that the way to make something sexy is to give it a sexy description, not give it the description of sexy. It's the equivalent of him writing "and then (character) was incredibly cool". Although that is what he did with Cool Dude in Dark Yagami. Man, he's making it really difficult for me to ridicule his writing style by taking it to its logical conclusion, because most of the time he's already taken it to that conclusion. Oh, and also, why is she naked? Surely there's no reason for a shapeshifter to be naked other than because they want to be? Unless she does want to be naked, possibly for all the imminent lesbeaning, which, knowing D'ark, seems entirely likely.

Dumbledore yells "WHAT? BUT I KILLED YOU!" as Vernon comes back to life, and Vernon responds "Then you did not kill me hard enough". "I thought I killed you?" "Didn't take." He then sends Dumbledore blasting off like team rocket never to be seen again except by aliens on the distant plant Rpatz. Rpatz? Seriously? I mean, Twilight Yagami I could handle, but this reference is completely random. Maybe it's a planet where there are strict laws against bathing, combing your hair, and emoting properly onscreen.

Anyway, it turns out that Voldemort and Vernon were secretly working together apparently. Should've expected this, really. Voldemort removes his evil robs, and Under neat Voldemorts robes was a very sexy man with muscles like twices as big as a dumpster and eyes that lit up the room with gold. Oh for crying out loud, who wrote this, Bellatrix Lestrange!? Also, muscles twice as big as a dumpster!?...Actually, I'm going to just accept that. You know why? Because it's his muscles. Not his penis. Anything is better than D'ark's fifty-foot cock (or however long it was). Tonks, who is still naked for some insane reason, calls him sexy. "You to" Voldemort trpleid. "trpleid"? Wow, this is bordering on My Immortal levels of complete butchering of the English language here. Then (and how many of you didn't know this was coming) they "sex" for a bit and everyone cheers until Voldemort falls on a piece of glass. "ARCKKKKKK How could this be? I only wanted to use my sexy powers for good" he screamed as he died and blood came all over Tonks and the floor and she screamed. He only wanted to use them for good? So we're just completely ignoring the fact that Voldemort is a megalomaniacal mass murderer (alliteration yay!)? Well, I suppose that's only to be expected, considering that Dumbledore's the villain and all.

However, it turns out that Voldemort isn't dead. But you just freaking said that he was! If you want to have a character fake-die, you make it look like they died by pulling a Never Found the Body or something! You don't just outright lie that they died and then reveal that they actually didn't! If you're going to start doing that, how can I trust any of your description of events? For all I know, it could be the case that actually, Vernon isn't Voldemort's dad! ...Nah, that's crazy. He continues the sexing, and then we get this: "Boy this is sexy" said Harry. I think that may the most revolting sentence I've ever heard. Not by itself, but in context. Plus, who would actually say "boy this is sexy"!? It's such a bland way to phrase an observation like that. In fact, I'd wager that if you put "boy" in front of any remotely "edgy" observation, it loses all power: "Boy, there was severe blunt force trauma to be the back of the skull". "Boy, I would like to make passionate love to her". "Boy, I love decapitating prostitutes". See? It doesn't work.

Eventually, everyone starts sexing, and the cops come to arrest everyone, because...sexing is a crime I guess? I hope D'ark doesn't think this reflects the actual laws governing sex in the UK. Although knowing him, he probably thinks the story takes place IN AMERICA! Vernon puts a sexing spell on the cops and they start sexing too. ...urgh. I know there's been some controversy about the way Rowling treats the use of Love Potions, but this is really gross. Come on D'ark, you may be a bit strange, but I would've thought you'd be above this.

We then cut to TOMORROW. And we get this:

"No I am headteacher" he bellowed "I will take no crap from noone"

Umbridge walked out crying and kissing a picture of a cat.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

I DON'T KNOW!

For once, this one time in my entire time of knowing who you are, D'ark, I understand you. I understand you because I don't have a clue what just happened either. I don't think any of the readers of this liveblog do. I don't think anyone, even you, ever will. Truly, it is a Riddle for the Ages.

Also, Umbridge, cry? Please.

All that's left is this:

BUT I MIGHT WRITE IT ONE DAY

KEEP REVIEWING FOR MORE CHPTERS PLEASEEEEEE!

Well, I guess he didn't get many reviews, because this is where this fic is put to rest. There was never any more.

Still, chin up. At least we still have Dark Yagami.

...assuming that's actually a good thing.

Hope you enjoyed this.
29th Jan '11 1:55:25 PM flag for mods
comments
What in the name of pogostick robot cthulhu is this? I mean... what? I know the author isn't exactly known for his stellar consistent writing, but... seriously... what? Just... what?
slowzombie 29th Jan 11
I find it interesting that this fic seems to be baffling you more than Light and Dark is. Maybe it's because you're so deeply immersed in the latter that you've become desensitized.

Also, edited the installment to correct something: it's Voldemort who parachutes in through the skylight (what a sentence) not Vernon. Although that only mildly increases the amount of sense made.
Idler20 29th Jan 11
"Boy this is sexy" cracked me up, mainly because there's no way to say it without sounding sarcastic.
EponymousKid 30th Jan 11
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