Ronka Recaps: Dingo Pictures' "Animal Soccer World"
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Part 3: These Dogs Play Ruff
(Share in the suffering and watch along with me here and then here.) FADE IN. A chipper kind of country-harpsichord tune plays over the ever-present OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. Holy crap, what is with this soundtrack? Can’t they turn that music off? It's starting to grate. Anyway, PASS a blue bird flying past a barn (an animal farm?) and the country-harpsichord tune cuts out after two seconds. Growly the black dog says, “Hey guys, come over here, I want to discuss something with you.” And then the country-harpsichord music cuts back in as a bunch of dogs do jumping jacks over a moving background— I guess it’s meant to be running? Then two other dogs just saunter over nonchalantly. One is wearing glasses and the other is a Dalmatian, no doubt fresh off the set off Dingo’s “Dalmatians.” “Jacko and I have decided to organize a soccer match,” says Growly, and I have no idea who Jacko is so I’ll just assume they’re talking about Michael Jackson. “That’s awesome,” says… Poochie. It’s Poochie, guys. From The Simpsons. Poochie the Totally Radical dog. Seriously, he’s wearing a pink baseball cap, sunglasses, and bling. Is it bling? Looking closer, it looks like it might be a chewed-off rabbit’s foot, maybe. But it’s totally Poochie. Imagine Poochie’s clothes on Santa’s Little Helper’s body. That is this dog. What. Cut to another dog. This one is lying on the ground and is gray and angry looking. “Euuuin,” he groans, sounding like he’s got dysentery, “a soccer match. That’s cool.” “And we name ourselves, the Wild Dogs,” says Growly. Back to the group of dogs, and holy shit Poochie’s head is about to explode. It’s just inflating and deflating erratically. God, that is just so creepy. While Poochie’s head go spastic, other dogs are barking, but I guess Dingo doesn’t know how to make barking sounds because they’re no sound accompanying them. As usual. The dog with glasses (I’ll call him Professor Pooch) says, “Andtheothers, what are the others called?” “The Jungle Kings.” WE FUCKING KNOW! THE AUDIENCE FUCKING KNOWS! YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT EVERY TWENTY SECONDS FOR THE PAST SIX MINUTES! JUNGLE KINGS, WILD DOGS, A SOCCER MATCH, TWO WEEKS, WE FUCKING GET IT MOVE ON!!!!! “Don’t make me laaaaugh,” says a Great Dane who must want to be a sheep dog. “The Kings of the Jungle. That’s stupid.” Okay, forget Harry, THIS is the voice of the audience! And what is it with people hearing ‘The Jungle Kings‘ and responding, ‘The Kings of the Jungle.’ Imagine if every time someone said, “The Lion King,” you answered, “The King of the Lions.” You’d sound like a moron. Cut to Poochie again, in a closer shot. I see now the stupid thing around his neck is a slingshot. Pink hat, green sunglasses, and a slingshot around his neck. Also, his sunglasses blink. … there is just so much what the fuck going on here I’m gonna move on and pretend nothing happened. So Poochie says, “The kings of the jungle, they have no chence against us.” You have no chance of survival, make your time! “Who’s in? Who want to play?” says Growly. “We need defenders, attackers, ah…” The “ah” clearly indicates that he’s run out of positions to name, probably because he knows nothing about soccer. ‘Attackers and defenders’? Seriously? No wonder the jaguar made fun of you, Growly. And you missed goalie, numbnuts. “Defender, I want to be a defender,” says the baa-ing Great Dane, who wants to be a defender. Defend against sheep, no doubt. Also, he sounds a bit like Kermit. “Well, then I’ll be a forward,” says Growly. “I can also be a forward,” says Poochie in this high-pitched voice but then we cut to a Dalmatian pup and maybe he’s the one that wants to be a forward? “I can run fast!” says the pup. “Well okay,” says Growly, “you’re a little bit small, but you’re fast, you can run between the legs.” Snerk! The rest of the dogs pick positions. One looks like the redneck offspring of Disney's Pluto and a woodchuck. Professor Pooch says, “I, would also like to take part, is there a position where you don’t have to run that much?” It’s weird how he can sound so bombastic and so dumb at the same time. “Well I can’t uh… think about anything yet but uh… I’ll find something,” says the Great Dane, who is obviously not a Great Thinker. Then again, none of these dogs are. Goalie, guys! He can play goalie! Why are you dragging this out?! “And I?” says Cromell, sounding like he’s high. (It’s a possibility.) “What can I be?” “Nothing,” says Growly. “Cromell you are waaay too small. It’s not a playground.” But… but you just said the puppy could play! You said he could go under the players’ legs, and I snerked. Don’t you remember? Inconsistent movie is inconsitotallydumb. “But it was my idea,” said Cromell, emotionlessly. “We don’t care,” says Great Dane. You gotta laugh at that. “We can’t beat the Jungle Kings (the kings of the jungle?) when we have to look after someone all the ti—” The line cuts out. “The Jungle Kings, will allow GOB to play, and, he’s just as small as me,” says Cromell, who sounds so uninterested in this. Imagine a kid giving a class presentation on the most boring subject on earth and he’s reading his note cards the entire time. That is what Cromell sounds like. What is it with Dingo Pictures and giving their main characters the dullest voices imaginable? Then again, the alternative is giving their mains goofy voices. *shudder* “GOB’s father, is the head of the lion. GOB’s father, is ahead of the lines.” I think Poochie just broke. “That is something, quite different,” says Cromell, looking pissed. I don’t know why, because it’s clear Poochie encountered a fatal error and had to reboot. And GOB’s dad is head of the lions? Is he their king? Why didn't they mention this before? Does this take place in the same universe as The Lion and the King? Questions, so many questions, and no answers. Apparently Growly cares as much about that conversation as I do, because he ignores it and announces, “So now we took care of that now we can go practicing. First of all, we’re gonna practicing shooting.” Shooting? Man, animal soccer is intense. And it makes me wonder— was Bambi’s mom really killed by hunters, or was she playing soccer, the most dangerous game of all? Back to the movie, and oh look! Nothing is happening at all! What a surprise! Even though Growly said they’d practice “shooting,” the dogs just run/do jumping jacks for about ten seconds. WHAT TIME IS IT? IT’S FILLER TIME! Poochie is dribbling a soccer ball. Yeah, you read that right, and no, I don’t get it either. This ball is actually black and white, not red like the ball Growly and Jag are fighting over. That better not become a plot inconsistency, because that is a pretty big one. The red ball is only the entire reason this movie exists. And for that, I hate it. Poochie dribbles some more. Fillah! “What a minute,” says Professor Pooch, “we still need a goalkeeper.” Noshit. “Yeah, we almost forgot,” says Redneck Pluto. A thing: He’s standing up on two legs, like a traditional funny animal, but all the other dogs are on all fours. This is becoming more and more like Animal Farm every second, isn’t it? “Butcher,” says Great Dane, “Butcher should become the goalkeeper. He will stop anything, and nobody will pass him!” That was covered when you said he would stop anything. Stupid dog! “Hey Cromell, make yourself useful, go get Butcher,” says Growly. I love how much of a jerk he is. He’s so casual about it. “Always have to do everythin’, juss because they bigger than me,” says Cromell's accent. You know who he sounds like? Tommy Wisseau. "YOA TEHRIN' ME APAHRT, GROWLY!" But, wait, hold on— Cromell is getting someone else to be goalie? I... I thought they were going to make Professor Pooch goalie. Why would they have all that set up about "a position where you don't have to run" if they weren't going to give him the position? Was it a subplot they abandoned halfway through? Did they just add it in for filler? Dumb! Was this movie written by Tommy Wisseau, too? (It wouldn't surprise me. I'm surprised how much that wouldn't surprise me.) “Go on go, try to hit the goal,” says Professor Pooch dully. Oh, I see, they must have made him team busybody. That's so much better than goalie. “Uh what goal?” says Redneck. “That one!” says Poochie! "Stupid filler!" says Ronka. Redneck runs toward the soccer ball and kicks it, sending it flying through the air with the greatest of ease. Some bizarre carnival music starts playing and all the dogs go, “Wooah, woah hoooo!” like it’s a big deal and they’ve never seen a soccer ball kicked before. Actually, considering how much they seem to know about soccer... In a cathartic scene, the ball hits Poochie square in the chest, sending him flying off screen. Forever? I dare to dream. The dogs laugh and—most wondrous—it’s accompanied by actual sounds of laughter. Is the world ending? Has Dingo finally added “half-hearted chortle” to its library of mediocre sound effects? Granted, it's closer to “wheezy crazy old-man” laughter than anything else, but hey, it’s a start. And we cut to Cromell walking. I don’t know if I can take anymore of Dingo Pictures’ “walking filler.” There was so much damn walking in Dinosaur Adventure, they should have called it Walking with Dinosaur Adventure. To top it off, while Cromell is walking they play the same stupid jaw harp music from DA. I take comfort that there are no rhyming nose-spike monsters or Harlequin-eyed dinosaurs wandering around in this world. I hope. PASS another bird flying. So we arrive at the home of Butcher, an orange bulldog. He is drawn with eyes narrowed, so he looks angry all the time. “Hi Cromell! How nice from you to visit!” [sic] he says jovially with eyes narrowed, confusing the audience. The dialogue is stupid so I’m not going to transcribe, but here’s what happens: Cromell tells Butcher they want him to play goalie, and Butcher says he doesn’t want to because he’s afraid of getting hit by the ball. I have to say, I’m kind of impressed that DP actually subverted a stereotype there. It’s still stupid, but having a bulldog with a name like Butcher play against type is at least a little interesting. Anyway, Butcher doesn’t want to play and asks if Cromell is. C-dog (see what I did there?) says they won’t let him play because he’s too small. B-dog says, “Nonsense! You’re not too small. And I shouldn’t be afraid, that you shoot the ball too hard at me. You know what? I’m just gonna tell them, I only play goalie, if Cromell plays in the game.” Okay, officially, unironically, Butcher is my fav character in the movie now. I hate DP, and this story is incredibly stupid, but that’s actually kinda sweet. I know it’s only there as a quick cheap way to get Cromell on the team so he can have the inevitable rivalry with GOB, but it’s still a pretty awesome move by Butcher. Go Butcher! The movie should just be about Butcher. … how much you wanna bet we never see him again? PASS a crow. Remember the crow that stalked the Sexy Duck Narrator back in Dinosaur Adventure? That one. This must be their Dinosaur Adventure call back sequence. Butcher and Cromell walk away, back towards the other dogs. Jaw harp music plays over OMINOUS JUNGLE MUSIC. FADE OUT. Can you believe we are ten minutes into a thirty minute movie and next to nothing has happened? OF COURSE YOU CAN, it’s Dingo Pictures, what did you expect? Plot? Conflict? Decent storytelling? Ha! Hahahahaha! Oh, the laughter! It makes me laugh! And the laughter? Sounds like a wheezy crazy old man. Three parts down, unknown parts to go. Will the Wild Dogs accept Cromell onto the team? (Yes.) Will GOB get to play on his team? (Yes.) Will their friendship be tested by this bitter day-old rivalry? (Who cares?) Will there ever be a soccer match, or will the movie be overtaken by filler? (Yes.) And what about Butcher? (Potato.) The answers to these questions and more won’t be in brackets on the next exciting episode of— Let’s Watch Animal Soccer World!
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