Cakman's Writings: In Which Cakman Returns From Hiatus, But AHR Does Not
Hello there, everyone! Cakman here. While AHR is hard at work on The Thirteenth Sage,
a marvelous piece of fiction that I greatly encourage you to go read (and comment on, because AHR joygasms whenever someone notices her work), I have returned to continue my critiquing of the El Goonish Shive NP comics. AHR has informed me to lay off the regular comics, as she does indeed eventually plan to return to them one day. Until that day, however, I shall update every now and then to let you all know that you should both read The Thirteenth Sage
, and should still hold no amount of respect towards Dan Shive.
Now, according to my research, it seems we left off with our dear friend Amanda having a bit of a personal crisis. She felt she was worthless, (rightfully so) to which she was treated to a confirmation of her own worthlessness by being turned into, for all intents and purposes, a loli. She decided, however, that she was going to command more respect from her peers, as well as random children laughing happily along the street. After screaming at the boys of whom she had no idea of the source of their laughter, she walked happily off into a three month hiatus. We join, I assume, Amanda again now.
- Oh, I had almost forgotten about the background tallying. I'll make sure to go back once I finish and write that down again.
- As lab procedure always states is safest, Amanda's hair is tied into two separate pony tails, allowing the hair maximum area to flow and knock things over.
- Lab procedure does not, however, mention the safety of long, unbuttoned, flowing lab coats. In fact, I can't help but notice the fact that she's not wearing a particularly Businesswoman-like shirt beneath her lab coat. In fact, it sort of looks like what a porn-watching 23 year-old thinks a "hot scientist chick" would look like.
- On the bright side, while Amanda does not have an idea for her new "science project," she seems to be prototyping her new invention, the armless glasses, in panels two and three.
- This is just a guess, but Amanda's posture in the third panel leads me to believe that she may have scoliosis.
- It should also be noted how the Doctor assumes NO responsibility for Amanda's negative self-image.
- In the first panel, Amanda has apparently just abruptly stopped running after sprinting for quite a distance. Either that or her hair was pre-starched, and her lab coat has an umbrella hoop.
- Now that we dealt with that minor visual blurb, it's time to take into consideration what the Doctor is saying!
- Okay, granted, Doctor. T He problem here is that you are SEXUALLY HARASSING AMANDA, AND MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHE IS WORTHLESS.
- That's not "all in good fun." It's being an asshole.
- The term "Mad" implies insanity. That's not a good thing. A "good" mad scientist would just be a scientist. Or an eccentric.
- NO HE DOES NOT.
- HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU, AMANDA.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS IT GOING TO TAKE TO GET YOU TO REALIZE THIS.
- He is drugging you. He is sexually harassing you. He talks down to you. He blatently ignores you when you tell him to stop. HOW THE FUCK WAS "I do respect you, Amanda," ABLE TO MAKE UP IN ANY WAY FOR THAT?!
- See, if Doctor Germehn was using the potions on Alice and himself as well, it wouldn't be as bad, but he's doing it only to Amanda. Why? Because she's attractive. And he's related to Alice, so seeing her naked would be bad!
- Amanda is being raped. Laugh at this, you guys.
- By the way, how the hell is Penny Arcade not allowed to say "Dickwolves," but this shit is perfectly okay?
- By the way, for any of you hoping that this would end with Amanda tricking the Doctor, or improving herself, or quitting her job, or growing smarter, or making a science project of her own, TOO BAD. WE'RE DONE NOW. THIS IS THE LAST COMIC IN THIS STORYLINE. AMANDA IS LYING IN BED, BEING MOLESTED BY HER ROOMMATE, REFLECTING ON HOW SHE WAS WRONG TO FEEL VICTIMIZED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- FUCK YOU, LONGNOSE. I HATE THIS.
- Alright. Despite the previous storyline having zero closure, I'm sort of glad to move onto a new one. Hopefully it will be less infuriating.
- Oh. A self-insert arc. Well then. This is off to a bad start.
- You know, I'm getting the vibe that I'm supposed to dislike this guy, but each point he makes is logical. What is Dan's purpose here? Is he saying the guy is unreasonable? I'm confused.
- As for the Scrubs joke, I have watched it in passing, but I don't get the joke. I'm not sure if he's saying Scrubs is a good show, a bad show, or if it's just a reference to a joke. So I won't pass judgement.
- I would say the exact same thing, by the way, if I had a fantasy roleplay going on and someone came in as a squirrel. They're not part of the universe. Dan is just being a dick. What if I showed up to a Renisance festival wearing a crewman's outfit from the SS Enterprise, walking around scanning people, and telling those who questioned me that I couldn't talk to them, as it would violate the prime directive? I'd be an asshole. That was long-winded.
- I'm confused now. Is he in a roleplaying chatroom or an MMORPG? Because he really wouldn't need to select a CLASS if he was just roleplaying.
- Once again, I don't get the point here. The Jinn is being helpful, and Dan is being a dick by interrupting him. If you want to join a roleplay, take a breath and read up on the universe beforehand. If anything, he shouldn't even be JOINING it unless you already know about it.
- Well, the Jinn had no idea who he was two strips ago, but what the fuck. If he can mash his fetish into this, go for it.
- The image of Dan Shive trying to jam his penis into a doorknob comes to mind.
- What ever happened to being a cat person?
- Now, this shall be a slightly meta of a musing, but Dan Shive is the CREATOR of this comic, right? He is both the illustrator, and the author. Within this storyline, he has inserted himself into this world. He decided to have the Jinn ask whether he wanted to be a male or female. He decided to have himself initially answer "male." And he decided to have the Jinn recognize him and "force" him to be a female. Because Dan wouldn't do that himself. The fans would expect it. He wouldn't insert his fetish where it doesn't belong! That's silly!
- Okay. So it's an MMORPG. If that were the case, wouldn't the race and class from before be IMPORTANT?! Wouldn't he want to learn about the pros and cons of each?
- Apart from that, though, there is nothing to this strip. The joke is barely even there. I mean, what's the big deal? He gets experience for walking. Like the Jinn just said. If it were some exploitation, there might be a joke, but as-is, the joke is just "Dan is playing the game the way he is supposed to play the game."
- Good. You deserve it. Try listening to the tutorial Jinn the next time you play a game you've never played before, dick.
- Also, the previous strip ended with him being excited by the prospect of gaining experience points. How did that change so quickly?
Well... That's it for now, I guess. Also, please note before I end that AHR has made three new chapters between the time I started this new chapter and the time I completed it.
- Well, there's a punchline here. Sort of.
- The problem I have with the humor once again is that it isn't BASED off of anything. It's a situation Dan made up in his head. What's the point? That MMORPG skills make you do a lot to master them? Ahaha?
- Also, the chi guy looks like Greg. Is that on purpose?
- The... The entire JOKE is a mess. Like, even the whole skill requirements make no sense. I get that it's part of the joke for them to be silly, but that doesn't change the fact that it doesn't make sense in-context. The Jackass thing is something he would do in real life. WHAT THE HELL IS HE GOING FOR?!
- My best guess would be Douglass Adams-style dadaist quirkyness, but he sucks. He sucks bad at it.
So ignore the opening two paragraphs. You SHOULD, however, STILL READ THE THIRTEENTH SAGE. READ IT. SERIOUSLY. GO READ IT. GO READ THE THIRTEENTH SAGE AND COMMENT ON IT, BECAUSE OTHERWISE AHR GETS DEPRESSED. ALSO, COMMENT ON THIS TOO. DON'T KNOW. I JUST PUT THIS STUFF OUT ON THE INTERNET. AHR THRIVES OFF OF COMMENTS. EVEN NEGATIVE ONES. SHE'S ODD LIKE THAT.]]
BUT SERIOUSLY. GO READ THE THIRTEENTH SAGE.
IT'S COOL, BRAH. SRSLY.
And it is much
better than El Goonish Shive. MUCH