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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
The fail pile does't stop from getting higher
Now here's a blast from the past. The Dark Yagami saga came to a halt, spluttering and coughing as it was propelled over the finish line by the sheer weight of it's own continuous ineptitude, and I thought that was all. Sure, I kept an eye out for an epilouge, but nothing came. "Fine," I thought "I've had my fun." However, the author came through and seems to have produced the promised epilouge, may Cthulhu bless his barely literate, self-inserting little brain. Oh, but not only has he created an epilogue, faithful readers, he has created an epilogue in TWO PARTS... Oh yes, that's right. So, let's get this freak-show on the road for the penultimate time as we cover "Epilog 1 WHO IS WATARI?" Author's notes? Oh of course. SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG BUT THIS BIT IS LONG TOO SO IT ALL WORKS OUT OK IN THE END! ITS SO LONG THAT I HAD TO MAKE IT IN TWO PARTS LICK DEADLY HALOS OR BREAKING DAWN (OMG BELLA IS A VAMPIE?) EXCEPT HIS WILL BE EVEN BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER AND TWILIGHT PUT TOGETHER COS IT WILL HAVE THREE PARTS COS I CANT EXPLAIN EVERYTHING OTHERWISE! IT WILL BE SUPER LONG SO GET A CUP OF TEA OR COUGHY OR HOT CHOC OR HOT WATER AND SIT IN A BIG ARMCHAIR WITH A FIRE AND A RAVEN AND SOME SHIT LIKE THAT AND ENJOY! So it's two or three parts? Maybe it's both, and the twist is that part three is really part one BACKWARDS? I don't know, but let's continue while we're still young.

We start off with a bang. 'In England it was the past. There's a zen-like quality to the way this guy treats movement in time and space, don't you think? Well, anyway, this is Watari's youth, and apparently he's pretty old, his youth taking place in the time before the automobile and all. Well, that is to say, robotics apparently exists, because The queen went passed in a huge coach with wheels made of diamond and horses made of robot parts. Geez, and here I thought my research strategies in Civilization led to some lopsided tech trees, but I digress. The queen's carriage splashes Watari with water, and he responds, as he always does, with NO INDOOR VOICE, and outrageous britishness, innit guv'nuh?

Well, the Queen takes offense, and gets out to give our hero a sound drubbing and an equally sound talking-to. "Watari Bumblesnoot The Third (AN: DOES WATARI HAVE A LAST NAME? IF NOT I WILL MAKE IT BUMBLESNOOT)!" she roared smacking him upside the head with her big royal stick. "You should have more respect to your own mother!" So... I don't usually do that, but let's count the things most superficially wrong with that bit. First, the author apparently can't make up names to save his life, secondly, roared, seriously? third, it's called a sceptre, fourth, HOLY EXPOSITION PHRASING BATMAN.... ok, this isn't working, there's probably more, but let's just move on. The young sir Bumblesnoot esq. throws the typical "you're not my real mom"-hissy-fit and vows revenge on her highness. He's adopted, you see. Granted, getting fresh blood into the various royal families of Europe probably won't hurt, but adoption? I can't imagine that sitting well with the Brits. The whole confrontation ends as the Queen slaps her (adoptive) son and leaves him behind. Watari retreats while thinking about his Linkin Park cds and nonconformity. BUT WAIT! He looked over... and there was a BOOK ONT THE FLOOR? Oh my what could this possibly be? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? I HOPE ITS NOT A BOOK THAT KILLS DUDES WHOS NAMES ARE WRITTEN IN IT! ;) ;) ;) Oh author, you card.

We then jump to Japan in the future, which could mean present day, or the future, or a less distant bit of past, where we meet a fairly anonymous-ish person munching candy & watching anime. Apparently, this is the smartest man in America, except he doesn't live in America.... I just know there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'll be darned if I could find it. Also, this fellow, who may or may not be L, apparently has a thing for bees, since his trailer appears to be at least partially made out of beehives. Sollux Nicolas Cage The Pain, is that you? Anyway, this mysterious beekeeper is confronted by someone with a mustache, who wants Mr. Bees to fight crime, which confuses Bees, since... there is no such thing as crime? How... I... what? That's not something you can drop in passing author, there's so many questions to be asked here. Let's just continue and hope there's an explanation for all this silliness. Anyway, Mustache assures Bees that there will be crime 'fore too long before disappearing. The sweety dude was shocked and ate his whole apartment to make sure that the moustache dude wasn't hiding BUT HE WAS GONE. I've forgotten, was shit this goddamn nonsensical in the previous installments? Even under the presumption that this makes the very minimum amount of sense, this boggles my brain on so many levels.

More time-travel brouhaha, yay. A short pointless description of the 90's follows before a time machine crashes, causing a car to crash into it and be launched into the past. This being... some variation of past, somewhere, I suppose. Since it damn near scares the pants off Watari, I suppose it's whatever frankensteinan historical period London the young Watari lives in. The car is driven by "Dock Brown," who isn't the actual Doc Brown of Back To The Future-fame, but still is a shoutout? To wit: "Great scot!" he said cos he was in Scotland (GET IT!) That's... not a joke. Not all that much more to say about that. Anyway, the car has become a "time car" and the less I think about how the blue donkeyfucking christ that's supposed to work, the better, and "Dock" gives Watari the keys, and Watari, in return, kills him. I'm encountering the problem where I can't associate the described actions with the canon characters that are supposed to do it, or even a vague pastiche of a human being. In short: Nothing anybody does makes any sense from any goddamn perspective.

Well, back to the 90's... because heavens knows the world needs more 90's, we reunite with Dark and Samanther Soichiro and Light's Mom, who, for those of you granted the boon of merciful forgetfulness is the "hero" of this tale and his cardboard cutout girlfriend gone back in time to father himself and his twins, one of which actually being a clone and... ok, fuck making sense of this. All you need to know is that Dark is both a literal and metaphorical motherfucker. Moving on. Watari, in the guise of a boarding school headmaster, approaches Darkichiro with the prospects of taking on his children as apprentices. Darkichiro hesitates, but he suggests Watari taking on the dumbest of the Yagami children, which is to say Light. Yes, Light. The guy with genius-level intellect is in this fic a thick dude and tried to marry the TV this one time and another time he drew his face on the toilet and called it Fart Yagami." I guess he gets a pass for being young at this point, but honestly author, how much poorly justified bullshit do you have to pull to make your self-insert Gary Stu bullshit character seem even close to competent? Anyway, Watari doesn't like the sound of that, so he suggests taking the two others, Dark and Night instead, and Darkichiro apparently agrees on that, so to "Whales" with them. Who else is there? The author produced a list, hooray.

Dark is welcomed, his reaction? "Very interesting" Dark said making his eyes look all evil. "Now what will happen next..." Ugh... ok, I know writing dialog is hard, but this bullshit? I can't even imagine a context where anything even resembling a human being would say something like that. It doesn't even make sense from a reading perspective. I mean, it's one thing to have a character say something he or she would never say for the benefit of the readers, but this is so immersion-breakingly bad that... it fits perfectly in this trainwreck of a fic, I suppose. Author? FIND OUT SOON! DISCOVER HOW DARK BECAME KIRA AND WHY EVERYONE HATES NEAR AND THE STRANGE OREGONS OF WATARI BUMBLESNOOT. THE DEATH NOTE UNIVERSE HAS NEVER BEAN THIS REEL! IF YOU FORGOT WHO THESE DUDES WHERE CHECK OUT MY TWITTER REALDARKYAGAMI WHICH EXPLAINS IT ALL. THEN READ IT AGAIN COS ITS SO GOOD! *sigh* This just keeps going, doesn't it? Refering to external material to cover up how the author seems to be unable to hold two thoughts in his head at the same time, piling on bullshit instead of wrapping things up, nonsensical dialog. If it weren't crap, it wouldn't be Dark Yagami. Just one more part, or two... I honestly don't know.
20th Dec '11 6:34:28 AM flag for mods
comments
You fail for taking this seriously.
Bobbk 28th Feb 12
no? not gonna liveblog the last two epilouge bits? :C aww we love you anyway. except that guy above me, apperently
eddddd 7th Jul 13
No, continue! I love this. Pay no mind to Bobbk.
pancakeplant 30th Apr 14
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