Battles and Breastmilk
Ok guys. New chapter. Can this finally be the end? Will we finally reach some semblance of closure? Chapter 44 is called "The mystery deepers!" Now, there's the basic misspelling... oh and THE LAST CHAPTER ENDED WITH THE (ALLEGED) HERO AND THE (I SUPPOSE) VILLIAN RUNNING AT EACH OTHER IN AN ARENA. THERE IS NO MOTHERFUCKING ROOM FOR FURTHER MYSTERY DEEPENING... ok, calmy downy time, I still got a lot of text to cover. Author, what do you have to say for yourself? SORRY ITS BEEN A WHILE. BEEN PLANNING OUT THE BIG FINAL! MORE TWISTS COMING! WE WILL DISCOVER THE MYSTERY OF THE MUSTACHE?
*sigh* This is still gonna be a while, is it? Well, let's get rolling, don't you think?
We rejoin our story as... just read it. Blud was eating Kanye Wset because it had been ages since the last chap and he was dead hungry and blood bananas are a good snack but he was too hungry so he ate Kanye and blood went everywhere and Blud licked it.
So he just stopped to grab a snack just as he was about to fight the hero? I... just, yeah. Also, author's notes. (I WAS GOING TO MAKE A TOAST JOKE BUT I ALREADY MADE ONE! SO INSTEAD KANYE MADE BLUD DEAD FAT AND HE HAD TO USE KANYES WORKOUT PLAN TO LOSE WAIT AGAIN).
... I... don't know. I'm just going to ignore this one and move on. Anyway, Dark didn't like this interruption and mocks Blud. Again, why is nobody pointing out that last time we saw these two, they were jumping at each other in a very heterosexual way? Well, Blud doesn't take the mockery all that well, of course, and it's revealed that Dark is hungry too, but... again, just read it. luckily because Samanther had the giantest chests in the world she also had all the milk in the world to and Dark could drink it when he got thirsty and this made blud EVEN MADDER because Dark got to touch her bouncy lumps
Well, to be fair, strictly speaking, if S indeed is capable of lactation, all other
milk probably got sucked into the black hole. That said... AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHGHBLE. I just felt like getting that off my chest, either the author is really stepping up his trolling game this time, or he's just getting stupider. Alternatively, I'm easily enraged today, can't really tell. Oh well, author's notes. (AN I KNOW THIS SOUNDS GROSS AND MADE UP BUT ITS NOT. THAT'S HOW CHESTS WORK! WE LEARNED IT BIOLOGY CLASS! I KNOW ITS COOL!)
... Ok then. Moving on, it's GO TIME!
The fight starts, and Blud pulls out... the bones in his arms, sharpened and engraved with swear words for the occasion, making them Swearswords, hehe, there's something vaguely Homestuck-y
over that name, and if nothing else, the amusing name distracts me from wondering how Blud can wield those things without any bones in his arm. Anyway, Blud tries to stab Dark, but rolls a critical failure, and manages to stab himself in the foot, and spends some time jumping around like a douche. Wow, I am just flabbergasted by how epic this fight is. Dark's turn. while blud was hopping like mad dark got Samanther to make him a special milkshake by shaking her milky bits. This was the hottest thing that had ever happened in the world of the shinigami and the men shinigami all died of sexiness. The women all became lesbians and died too! Luckily they were in the land of the sinigami so they came back but dead and then died again and again and again but they couldn't stop looking.
I... so this fic has a lactation fetish now? Apropriate image macro◊
. Also, I'm pretty sure, no, entirely sure that the SHINIGAMI WORLD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY... NOTHING WORKS THAT WAY. NONE OF THE THINGS.
So, because the author hasn't talked enough about breastmilk yet, S casts a spell, causing her breasts to produce some sort of golden elixir that causes Dark to go Super Saiyan, except not... except it actually does that. I'm not sure if the author's trying to be funny, or if this is some sort of absurd dada mindfuck. Dark launches a couple of fireballs at Blud, burning off his hair in the process. RIP. Blud's mohawk, you will be sorely missed. Also, any thought of Blud being a threatening villain is pretty much on death's door, since he's pretty much laughed mercilessly at every time the universe gives him the finger. I really can't wait for this final thing, honestly. Oh, but Blud isn't quite finished yet. In revenge he pulled his leg bones which were actually cannons and eachone had the stinger of a bee the size of a towtruck in it. He fired and the stingers hit dark in each arm and nailed him nailed to the wall. Bees... my god
. So... ridiculous as that was, that was a honest, not no-selled hit on Dark. Good on ya, Blud, good on ya. ... oh wait, Dark gathers all the poison from these stingers in his mouth (somehow) and uses it to poison Blud's Blood Banana orchard. NOOOOO, THE BLOOD BANANAS Meme!
. This pisses Blud off, of course, but not so much that he isn't utterly spellbound by Samanther's rack, and instead of... you know, punching the currently disabled asshole he, I assume, wants dead, flies over to the obviously hostile suebitch like flies to so much honey. Because... you know... boobs. Anyway, Blud, idiot that he is tries to hit on S and gets... pain and humiliation and a hi-larious filk version of "Milkshake" for his troubles.
Blud is now down, and our two "heroes" stomp him while he's down, hitting him in the "man thingy" several times, because he used to his shinigami powers to give him hundreds of them all over his body which was good for sexing the many shinigami queens but not so good for not getting punched!
Make up your mind author, is this a shinigami or George Washington
? Regardless, a lot of stupid shit happens next, but I'll see if I can cover everything. S kicks Bluds teeth out, Blud pulls out his ribs and uses them as claws, while using these, he slashes at Dark's eyes and makes him a bit short sighted so he had to wear glasses.
I... that doesn't make sense. It just doesn't. Dark tries to Royal Death Note Blud, but it doesn't work, so he tries to get the guy to... killing another dude to save his life like happened with the chickly one of misa who death noted L and died but that dint work since THERE WAS NOONE LEFT TO KILL.
Wait, saving's whose life? Anyway, Blud throws his hand, a grenade, of course, which explodes and the hand returns to him... as much as any of that makes sense. Blud also feels up S, but this pisses Dark out so he one-hit K Os
blud right then and there with his FINAL ATTACK
The concept of finishing moves have always bugged me... but there was not even a justification here. Dark apparently has a one hit KO final attack that he just decided to use now. Fair enough, it's stupid, but at least a common trope in many works, so I'm not going to dwell on that too much. This kills Blud, which is... frankly kind of anticlimactic, but I'm just going to accept it. It's a lousy end, but maybe my mind can rest in peace now. Oh, but Blud is only dying, and decides to share his dying thoughts with Dark. It's a touching scene where... yeah, I know, I'm not fooling anyone. Blud casts a forgetfulness spell on Dark, with the help of magic brain rubbing words! Anyone who heard them got there brain all rubbed out and forgot who they were!
I can't recall being much of a spellcaster before, but hey, people pull magic power out of their asses all the time in this fic, so why not. Anyway, Dark says he must kill Blud before he forgets everything, and... well, I thought the guy was dying, but Blud appears to be... only mostly dying? What do I know. The author takes us home with EPIC CONCLUSION! NEXT TIME! WILL BE THE LAST DARK YAGAMI EVER! Except there will be one more after but that's an epilog which is a thing that doesn't really count and no one bothers reading them BUT READ THIS ONE COS IT WILL BE EPIC. THERE WILL BE A TWIST DON'T FORGET!
A twist? Oh yay. I can hardly contain my excitement. Anyway, this thing is almost over. Huzzah. I know I've been saying this a lot, but damn, you've got it in writing up there. This madness is soon at an end, for better or worse.