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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Home stretch?
Alright, let's do this people. I've just about had as much of this fic as I can handle, but I need to muster up what I've got left of Hot-Blooded energy, this thing is not beating me. This chapter is called "Blud HEART Samanther? :O" A love triangle? Fuck me, this is turning into Hivebent, except whereas Hivebent was a rather annoying and lengthy  Disclaimer addition to an awesome story, shipping bullshit added to this story is like adding broken glass to your guano and durian stew. What do you have to say for yourself, Author? HEY GUYS. THE FINAL FIGHT IS NEARLY HERE! THERE WILL BE A KICKASS TWIST AT THE END AND IVE GOT IT ALL PLANNED OUT BUT IM NOT TELLING! PERHAPS WATARI IS THERE DAD OR L WAS GOOD ALL ALONG OR DARK WAS A GHOST LIKE IN FIGHT CLUB. WHO KNOWS? So, this chapter is basically padding, then? Stop being such a tease, author.

We resume where we left off, of course. "ITS YOU!" declared Dark "HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN" Also, more Said Bookism-isms, huzzahilations. Blud wants to fight. Observe: YOU ARE THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE PLANET AND THAT IS WHY WE MUST FIGHT. Dude, I don't know if you've noticed, but there's like three people left alive in the world right now. There kinda was this whole apocalypse thing... don't think you've heard of it Anyway, Blud wants his Royal Death Note back, and I'd comment if that makes any sense at all, but I've long since given up trying to keep track of who has which Note, since the author probably did so long before me. What I will say is that if Dark had a lick of sense in him, he'd write "Blud explodes into puppies and sunshine forever" in that royal death note and CALL IT A FUCKING DAY. This doesn't seem to occur to anybody, though, Samanther steps in, flips Blud off, UK Style and tells him to eat a Blood Banana  Running Gag, Ho! and jog off.

However, that's not going to be easy, since: THE BLOOD BANANA HAS GONE EXSTINCT BECAUSE OF THE FIRE AND THE VOLANCOES AND THE DEVASTATION THAT HAS BEEN BOUGHT BY THE EXPLOSIVE COUNTERACTION OF THE BROKEN SHATTERS OF THAT SCABBY SPACE STATION THAT ONCE WAS MY HOME AND I ATE THE REST. NOOOOOOO! THE BLOOD BANANAS  * Anyway, Blud wanted Night to clone him some bananas of the bloody variety, but since she got turned into a bomb, and that still baffles me, by the way, that won't be an option. Of course, three or four seconds with the RDN would solve Blud's problem, and he'd gorge himself on blood bananas  * and Dark and S could do whatever the hell they wanted to do, preferably off-screen. Mais non, Samanther sics Dark on Blud, promising our Stuish friend her virginity if he succeeds. Huzzah. Dark opens up by spitting his gum at the shinigami, hitting him in the groin, the gum apparently... corroding his shinigami-junk? Confusingly enough, Blud isn't bothered, as he seems to be more fascinated by Samanther's... uh... huge tracts of land, and suggests that when he's done killing Dark, they could knock boots, as it were. Blud, dude, you've got a Death Note, I assume, this isn't hard... DEATH NOTE HIS ASS. Four seconds and a heart attack, man, this could be solved so easily. Anyway, Samanther agrees, but adds that he'll never defeat Dark anyway.

Blud retorts. VERY WELL. WE HAVE CHATTERED ENOUGH MY SMARTLY NAMED DUDE WHO IS DARK BY NAME… BUT ALSO BY NATURE AND ALSO BY HAIR COLOR. THE TIME HAS COME THIS TIME AGAIN FOR THE VIOLENT COUNTERACTION THAT WILL SPELL DOOM FOR ONE OF US AND THE HOTTEST SEXING IN HISOTRY FOR THE OTHER WHO DOES NOT DIE.I just... what do I say? Where do I fucking begin? I wouldn't say Dark is very "Smartly Named" though, that sounds more like the author complimenting himself. As far as pre-battle banter goes... well, Dracula he ain't. Dark tore open his shit and revealed his muscly abs. I'm kinda getting that problem where I can't even begin to imagine the scene in my head, on account of nothing coming close to making sense... but I guess that's not exactly new.

"Lets do this thing!" Dark ran at fast as he can at Blud and headbutted him in the chest. However Bluds chest was covered in spikes and spiders and they bit Dark and Blud was safe! ... is it safe? Next it was bluds turn. His knuckles were made of knuckle dusters but he put more dusters on them to be sure and slammed a punch at Dark and knocked him into the air. And the knuckles and the dusters and the Oh My. "WTF" screamed Dark and he got a rocket out and stuck it to his back. He just... got a rocked, out of nowhere? Ok, that's... kind of a lot to ask us to swallow, but to not go utterly and completely bat-shit, you pretty much have to go along with this sorta bull. Anyway, Dark headbutts Blud, in the head this time, but Blud is not impressed. You see, Blud has THE STRENGTH OF A THOUSAND GLITTERING ANGELS So... that's about the amount of angels that fit on a pin head, I guess? Anyway, what'll Blud do with this? Punch Dark really hard?

Well, not quite. His spit bubbled and sizzled like bacon fat on a pan and smelt like it also. Then it shot like acid into the earths core! The core caught fire and stretched like a balloon and the earth was ripped to shreds and turned into a black hole. The black hole was sucky (GET IT?) because it destroyed the world and then the rest of the universe was sucking into it like water down the bathhole but this wasn't water IT WAS TIME AND SPACE AND PLANETS AND STARS AND GALAXIES AND PIGEONS ALL DYING. Woa... there. So... he turned the earth to a black hole? Somewhere, a scientist just dropped dead, I'm sure. That said... you'd think this was the end for our heroes, as breathing air is kind of mandatory for humans, unless you happen to be Batman. Also, I can't really stress enough how BLACK HOLES DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. Seriously, a black hole made from earth would have the gravitational pull of... well, earth, and thus would... well, not do that.

Of course, this being a Dark Yagami endavour, this amounts to little more than a Slap-on-the-Wrist Nuke, since our hero grabbed Samanther and rocketed up away from the big hole in space that sucked like a vacuum cleaner that was possessed by satan but it was sucking so hard they could bearly escape! Yeah, that rocket runs on unobtainium all right. Anyway, Dark calls Blud out on this act of... omnicide, I guess, but Blud won't have any of that. I AM THE MURDERER? I BEG TO DEFER. WHO ASSASSINED NIGHT YAGAMI IN COLD BLOOD? WHO SHOT WATARI WITH A LASER GUN? WHO FED NEAR A POISON TOAST AND THREW HIM INTO A BOX FULL OF POISON MOTHS? I THINK YOU WILL FIND THAT WAS YOU! You know, he have a point, Dark, you're... as they say in sophisticated circles, quite a cunt. Dark, on the other hand, retorts with one of the few lines of his I think I can agree wholeheartedly with. "But you blew up THE EARTH YOU MONSTER!" Yeah, I know, Dark actually expresses an understandable sentiment, I'm as shocked as you are people. I mean, yeah, he's still a two/three/lost count-timing murderous asshole who's written as likeable as Bella Swan and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's theoretical spawn  *, but at least this one time, he comes close to reacting like something at least close to a human would react. You know the fic is bad when the main character acting close to human is arguably the high point of the whole thing.

Anyway, can't go too long without something being stupid... so Samanther saidsomething to but she was in space and in space noone can hear you scream! Unless, of course, you happen to be Dark or Blud, or the author feels like it or however the fuck that works. A HA HA WELL WHATEVER NOW ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO IS WATCH YOUR GENEROUSLY BOSOMED WIFE FALL INTO THE BALCKHOLE. Wait, didn't Blud plan to bone her? That'll be kinda hard if she's trapped in a BLAGOLE, but I'm guessing the guy's got some sort of a plan. Don't know, and honestly, I don't think the author does either. BUT WAIT! "Not so fast!" said samather and she said a portal spell and portaled to the shinigami world. I... just... why? How can this even come close to working? When did S get a portal spell? That's shit you have to establish, goddamn it, I'm closer to Absolute Despair than finishing this goddamn thing. It'd be nice if the story didn't as good as entirely run on whatever plot-driving out of nowhere miracles  * that would be so much easier to swallow if the author had invested five minutes to scan over them and tell himself "Wait, this kinda comes out of nowhere" and preferrably do something about it. Oh well, I guess this wouldn't be any fun if it made sense, now would it?

Anyway, the shinigami flock around the new arrival, one even doing a little Kanye joke, with that massive "THIS IS THE JOKE. THE JOKE IS A REFERENCE. REFERENCES ARE FUNNY. WHY ARE YOU NOT LAUGHING"-tag that makes Seltzerberg movies unbearable to watch. Goodie. Wait, upon further inspection, it's dumber than that. Shocking, I know, but just dig this. After said joke joked another shinigami who was kanye west because he wrote all his songs in a death note and that's why he kills! So... Kanye West is a shinigami? And he's a shinigami because he writes lyrics in a death note? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but if you have anything unsaid to Taylor Swift, I'd go get that done now. Let's just move on. Ckira was there too because TSIOSEAFJ took him to save him before she died except it was after because she can time travel but he was an old dude covered in wrinkles so he just stood on the side cheering. Oh, hey, it's Ckira, isn't that great? I have missed that guy... yeah.

Apparently, Blud is weaker on his home turf, as much sense as that makes, but the sentance seems to suggest that he's weaker because he can't blow it to smithereens, not that he's weaker so he can't blow it to smithereens. I'm not even going to think about what that means exactly, but there's Blood Bananas  * so it's not so bad. So, Blud gorges himself on his favorite food, and briefly forget this whole fighting thing. That is until he remembers, that is, so he and Dark goes to the local Battle Ring to duke it out. Boy, I'm glad that went somewhere.

The fight resumes and Blud... hits Dark with a whale. Several times. I don't know where he got that whale from, but one of my least favorite characters are being furiously slapped with the largest aquatic mammal we know of, so I can't find it in my heart to complain. Blud claims victory, and tells Samanther to get ready for a wedding. Of course, Dark doesn't agree, using his second wind to knee Blud in the crotch. Seems like being slapped with a whale would bother someone more, at least when you compare it to how Blud reacts to a kneecap in the joy department, namely by whimpering in a most emasculating fashion and jumping around in the ring. Not sure I'd fare much better, but then again, this is... kind of lame. Oh, Dark also crafts a javelin out of blood, somehow, and throws it at Bluds eyes, blinding him. Blud is, understandably, quite pissed about this. FOR THIS DARCUS YAGAMI YOU WILL PAY. They ran at each other and jumped! Aaaand cliffhanger.

Take us away, author. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? A fight will! CHECK IT OUT By the way this was so epic that Ckira died of a heart attack! So, you brought back a character just to kill him, off-screen too? I'm not quite sure how to react to this, but with bafflement, so let me get something else off my chest. This fic has gone to extreme lenghts, seemingly just to be louder and stupider than even the loudest and stupidest even halfway serious work, it's like a Michael Bay film is you ran it though a still about thirty times and gave the remainder to Seltzer and Friedberg. I'd rather be reading My Immortal than continue this one much longer, but you know what? A final battle is promised, and I said I'd finish this thing. So... D'arkYagam'i... WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM? GIGA.... SNARK.... BREAKER!
10th Mar '11 5:55:19 AM flag for mods
comments
"A HA HA WELL WHATEVER NOW ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO IS WATCH YOUR GENEROUSLY BOSOMED WIFE FALL INTO THE BALCKHOLE."

What a brilliant sentence.

I can't believe this is nearly over (if that is indeed the case). It's almost enough to bring a tear to one's eyes, don't you agree?
Idler20 10th Mar 11
Well, some kind of tear, maybe :P I'm kinda wondering what I'll complain about if this thing ever ends, though. Maybe I'll give Stan Helsing a good what-for. I don't know.
slowzombie 10th Mar 11
I think there are a couple of chapters of the author's other Death Note fics that you haven't done yet.

Beyond that, I don't know what you'll do either. I should try to be the one to recommend the next thing, that way I'll have succeeded in almost ruining your life twice over, haha.
Idler20 10th Mar 11
Twitter update! The author writes: "TVTROPES SAYS YOTSUBA IS A GIRL WITH THE GREEN HAIR AND THE TINY BUT THATS NOT TRUE! HE IS A MANLY MAN AND GREASY AND KILLS WITH EVIL POWER!"

... yeah, I do believe we've been through this, but I just felt like updating y'all. Also, there's a relationship chart, but I'm not touching that thing.
slowzombie 23rd Mar 11
Wow, that chart is like something straight out of Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff.
Haven 2nd Apr 11
I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE CHARTS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG.
slowzombie 4th Apr 11
New Chapter

BadficFetish 6th Apr 11
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