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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Continuity Errors, Fridge Logic and No Sells, Oh My
Gentlemen! It's time for another update, and I'm quite excited. Sure, experience tells me I have no reason to, but hey, maybe this time it'll be fun, right? This chapter is called "Dark and L MUST FIGHT! OR DIE" Well, sure, ok, I can get behind this. Author's notes! '' YOU AKSED FOR IT! NOW YOU GET IT! THE ACTION PACKED BATTLE BETWEEN DARK YAGAMI AND L WHICH WILL DEICIDE ONCE AND FORALLTHE WORLD ALSO THERE WILL BE A SURPIRSE APPEARANCE BY BLUD!'' Well, it's not a surprise if you tell people about it... or foreshadow it pretty blatantly for three chapters or so, but hey, maybe it'll be a surprise after all.

The story resumes as Dark and L have a staring contest which, as you might have guessed, Dark wins because he's awesome and L is a wimp in this thing. "Okay!" squeaked L "We wont win this war with a staring contest cos that's boring and WE NEED ACTION" he said taking out a machine sword. It was a machine gun but instead of guns there were swords that span round and round shooting little swords everywhere and one went in Darks cheerios. Cheerios? I have no idea why the cheerios jump out at me, especially since the weapon in question is a machine-gun that in fact is a sword that shoots swords, but I guess the brownie bunny laser last chapter kinda taught me that there's no kill like Crazy Awesome kill. Speaking of which, Dark pulls out a weapon of his own, a crossbow that shoots hammers. Aerodynamic? Bah, who needs it?

We have us a bit of a fight, with Dark shrugging of L's attacks, only becoming more badass in the process. Lovely. Dark then decides that hammers are for pussies, and all you need are fists. He dint bother with the crosshammer because his fists were harder and he started raining down pulp on L. Bits of candy were explattering everywhere and covering the walls in sugar and might yagami started licking it up. Unforuntately the candy all went hard and squishy over L and made armor! I... uh... what? Apparently candy can do that, also it can spontaneously appear whenever L gets punched enough. Either that, or L bleeds candy? I do not know, let's just blame it on spiral power and be done with it. Dark tries to get around this new obstacle, but encounters a little... problem with his methodology. He started licking the candy to melt it but L liked it and started groaning and getting happy so dark stopped. Well, L being Camp Gay, and thus the anathema to Dark, the most heterosexual man in all of existence, is finally used to his advantage, that's something, I guess. Dark, however, has an idea. "OH WHATEVER I WILL JUST DEATH NOTE YOU" dark yelled and grabbed his death note and wrote L. YES, THANK YOU. That took you about forty chapters too long, author, but you got there. Well, that's it for L... except, of course, it isn't.

Dark, naturally, wants to know why L isn't dead yet, and the answer is like so. "I have a royal life note back in the base and there is a robot writing my name in there 100000 times a second! I AM UNKILLABLE!" I... uh... I guess that's... ok. Silly, but that's the way we're going. Dark's reaction to it, though, is very... telling. "THAT IS EVIL!" gasped dark because it was. "Why would you do such an evil thing?" Ok, I'm officially not following. Sure, in many settings, seeking to extend your lifetime is an evil act... but usually there's a fucking REASON for it, like having to drink unicorn blood, or sustaining on the life essence of others, or upsetting the balance of the universe, or what have you. What we have here is Dark trying to kill L with a book he got from an evil(ish) god, L has a countermeasure, and L's the evil one? I don't even know any more, I don't even know. What else does L have up his sleeve? I can't recall too many good battles where the "Villain" played defensive, well, I can recall exactly one right now, but that's neither here nor there.

So, it turns out L has a One-Winged Angel form, behold. The bits of candy started to crack and an evil red glow came through cracks and smoke and an eggy smell like L just farted which he did cos of the candy but not this time! Ls mussles were buldging like no mussles ever seen and they pulsed with electric and magic and strength. The bits of candy melted and caught fire and L who was now like an inch taller slumbered forwards covered in fire and lava and his hair was all wilds and two fires burned in his eyes which kind of hurt but now he was a monster so he dint care. I'm trying to imagine this... but my brain gets kinda... fuzzy when I try. Maybe we've finally reached the OOC singularity? Anyway, L has made a deal with a Shinigami Devil, which, naturally, is eviler than a regular devil, and out of the deal, he got SHINIGAMI EYES AND SHINIGAMI EARS AND SHINIGAMI HORNS AND A SHINIGAMI MAN THING Hoh yes, L unzips and reveals his spiky death-cock, a match to that of The Adversary, no doubt... BUT WAIT It was very spiky and evil looking but also quite big but still not as big as darks so he was kind of disappointed and when he killed dark he would go to the shinigami devil and get a refund. ... I guess the universe would not survive the existence of a wang more mighty than that of Dark Yagami. Let's just move on and hope these idiots kill each other already.

Oh, but it's not going to be that easy, of course, because Dark has a "nuclear" attached to his heart, so if he's ever killed, he'd explode bigtime. It's at this point Fridge Logic sets in. As astute readers might recall, Dark died not too long ago, and the "Dark" we are currently following is Dark's ghost possessing Light's body like some spectral squatter  Fridge Logic IN a Fridge Logic so, did he install the bomb in his brother's body, knowing that he would be killed and possess the guy or did the author forget that part entirely? Either way, I wouldn't be surprised. At any rate, L doesn't care, and attacks relentlessly. The three greatest detectives in the world, folks. Oh, but he has a plan, as he punches into Dark's chest, pulls out the bomb and eats it .... bad... fucking... ass. Also, the bomb makes him stronger, because that's how atom bombs work. Well, all in all that was a pretty stupid plot point, but hey, at least it wasn't a long one, right?

The two fight, and it seems like L is actually stronger than Dark... Although Dark seems to nosell quite a bit, he is Dark Yagami, after all. "LETS TAKE THIS FIGHT INTO THE SKY!" whistled L as he flew into the sky. LET'S RUN STRAIGHT UP! Ehm... anyway, Dark loots Night's jet-pack (that she had, somehow) and follows him. Once in the air, L makes his hair go all DBZ, but Dark disarms (dishairs?) him with a pair of golden scissors. Right. Also... Dark did a kick at Ls man thing but it was so small that he missed. OB-FUCKING-JECTION! Continuity, for fucks sake, earlier in this very chapter, the size of L's joystick was described as sizable. Does Dark just have really shit aim when it comes to groin attacks, or does the author wither and die if he can't make a penis size-based Take That at every possible occasion? Well, blows are exchanged, culminating in L growing twenty extra arms and punching Dark so fast and so hard that it cut the oceans in half like an orange skin and peeled them off the planet and all that was left were the sharks and the electric eels and they evolved into electric sharks and ate the leftover zombies!

Dark, of course, No Sells it like a champ, and L is, understandably, frustrated. Dark explains like so. "Because I have the power of love in my heart AND NOTHING CAN DEFEAT THAT" That's amazingly corny, and surprisingly out of the blue. Who the fuck does Dark love? I mean, I know everybody loves him, smug Marty Stu asshole that he is, but you usually have to justify the Power Of Love, especially in a setting so utterly nihilistic as the Death Note one... but ok. As if sensing my rage, the universe reaches out to bitch-slap the guy. then his jetpack ran out of gas. "oh butts" swore dark as he fell like an asteroid to the ground. You know, if Dark had used another curse than "Oh butts," that scene might be halfway amusing.

Anyway, L descends upon Dark, wielding his mighty Sword Machine Gun, for the occasion just a sword. Is this the end for our hero?  Prediction "NOT SO FAST!" and a vampire stake burst out of Ls chest and half killed him! He stopped being evil and the horns went away and his man thing stopped being spiky. It's "Samanther"... yay. So, she stabs L again, and in case you're wondering how L can die now... well "Thanks wife!" Dark said standing up and giving her a sexy makeout. 2Thanks for blowing up the life note robot!" That's... solid storytelling all around. Foreshadowing? Who needs it.

So, Dark and "S" is about to get down with it, I guess neither of them is spoiled for choice as far as partners go. Well, this would be a good place to stop, thinks I, but of course not. YOU PUNY HUMANS AND YOUR SEXING burst out with laughter Blud! Holy Grammar Crisis, Batman YOU THINK YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED THE JOYS OF THE SEXING ACT BUT IN FACT YOU ARE RANK AMATURS COMPARED TO A GOD OF DEATH LIKE ME FOR I HAVE TASTED THE FRUITS OF THE TRUE SEXING THAT CAN ONLY BE FELT BY A GOD! Yes, I'm certain gods of death, ASEXUAL gods of death gets a lot of good tail BUT ENOUGH OF THIS. DARK. YOU AND ME! WE MUSTů.FIGHT! Yay... Well Author, what do you have to say about all of this? OMG! THAT! WAS! EPIC! EVEN I WAS EXCITED AND I WAS THE DUDE WRITING IT! TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN AND ALSO FOR MORE SEXYTIME! Well, that's going to be... fun I guess. This chapter tried a bit too hard to achieve the Crazy Awesome, and it really didn't bring the charm to back up the over-the-top elements. I guess the author should get props for giving Dark an opponent who in fact was stronger than him, but that part really stood out as an Informed Ability. That said, we're down to three characters, so there can't POSSIBLY be all that much left... right?
20th Feb '11 4:19:39 AM flag for mods
comments
I guess this wasn't the final baddle after all.

Also, further evidence that this was written to be funny: "They traded some punch and drank it and then they got down to the combat." That line is clearly, clearly meant to make it seems like the author has misspelled "they traded some punches", only to humorously subvert this expectation.

And I hate to pummel a deceased equine here, but what is with the moralities of these characters? I'm fairly sure that there was a point, long ago, when Dark was killing people and was at least treated as something of a bad guy. Now L is doing everything "evilly" and making pacts with the shinigami devil, while Dark heroically resists him because of The Power Of Love. How did this happen?
Idler20 20th Feb 11
2Thanks for blowing up the life note robot!" Foreshadowing? Who needs it.

But it was totally foreshadowed! After all, A long way away there was a bang like a robot exploding but noone heard so they carried on.
SchrodingersDuck 21st Feb 11
Oh yeah, that's right. Huh, I'd say "well played, author" .. but that'd be a horrible horrible lie.
slowzombie 21st Feb 11
Also: Twitter update, yay! The author posts:

IF BATMAN IS A BAT WHY DONT HE DRINK BLOOD?

The obvious answer is obvious. Batman is a fruit bat :D
slowzombie 23rd Feb 11
I like how D'ark has cookie guns and a Talk-To-Not-Dead-Dudes note, but include an animal-themed superhero who doesn't act exactly like the animal? NEVER!
Idler20 24th Feb 11
There's another chapter!
BadficFetish 8th Mar 11
Huzzah! I'll be covering it tomorrow, today's been busy, so I'm a tired snarker.
slowzombie 9th Mar 11
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