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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
ALL DA MISSILES and a cliffhanger
So, I was considering playing the drinking game for this one, but I decided I'd rather be conscious by the time I finish this chapter. Oh, and before we get started probably, Twitter update: Ryuk, who despite not having a car or ever having needed one or indeed never having owned one, died in a car crash/blood banana poisoning, but is now Life Noted back to life. I guess Life Notes work on Shinigami, despite Death Notes not working. Also, I guess the whole subplot was so pointless it even removed itself from the fic on the whole. That's... quite an accomplishment. Oh well, enough about that, let's move on to the story itself. This chapter is called "a NUCLEAR shodown." Shodown, you say? Well, 'sho 'nuff, I can live with that, but the moment I see a shoopuff, I'm outta here. Author's Notes! HEY GUYS.I TIRED TO DO A NANOWRIMO THING BUT IT WAS HARD SO HERE IS SOME FIC. Well, I'll give him that, NaNoWriMo can be just about as pleasant as pulling teeth and then stabbing yourself in the eye with them, trust me, I know. Then again, NaNo is supposed to be a challenge, but I digress, let's just get this thing done with while we're still young and snarky.

So, the fic kicks off with Blud watching on the earth from his "bass" in the sky. Down on earth things were HOTTING UP cos of the action that was about to happen and also it was summer oh, and just in case we'd have problems with telling that this fic indeed is not reality, the author helpfully chimes in with AN: I KNOW ITS ACTUALLY WINTER GUYS BUT IN THE FIC ITS SUMMER OK? Right, ok. Of all the plotholes to fill out, you chose this one, which is a meta-plothole if anything. Blud, apparently, is talking with... uh, someone, without quotation mark nor AN INDOOR VOICE, natch. I KNOW I WILL MAKE A BET TO MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING. IF YOU WIN DARK YOU WILL BE RELECTED KING OF THE SHINIGAMI BUT IF L WINS THEN HE WILL BE KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND YOU WILL BE FLIPPING BURGERS AT THE CREEPY DUDES ICE CREAM BURGER FLIPPING SHOP FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE Dude, kings aren't elected, that's kind of the point. And who is he talking to, for the record? Oh, turns out it's Dark, I guess that makes sense. A little comma after "If you win" and after "Dark," would have made it easier to understand, but there you go. Dark, being the well-written sympathic and incredibly humble character he is, accepts, oh, and he flips Blud off before disconnecting. Flipping off someone who's basically the king of a race of creatures who can kill you with little more than a thought doesn't seem smart, but then again, L himself threathened God (Himself,) in this fic, and it worked, so what do I know?

Dark goes to hold a motivational speech to his de-facto army. He shouted at every one because he was the leader and this is the part of the movie where everyon's all like "WE'RE GONNA LOSE" and dark is like "NO WAY M-THERF-CKERS" and everyone cheered except this isn't a movie THIS IS REAL LIFE except its not cos it's a fanfic and everyone new they were gonna win! ... This is real, except it isn't, he just wanted you all to know that. Oh, and just in case you forgot how dangerously mental Dark is, his loyal underlings cheer because he'll Death Note'em otherwise. Not unnerving at all, that one.

Meanwhile, at Planet Blud, this being the flying DEATH PLANET that apparently is hovering up in the sky, proudly sticking an excessively GRIMDARK middle finger at physics and anything resembling common sense. It would seem Blud is supposed to be the villain this time, because he has an evil plan together with someone or other. "I know it was very stupid of him" said another misteryous shinigami standing in the corner behind a pile of blood. "when L and Dark kill each other we will be able to take over the world TOGETHER!" Dude, just death note them both, it's not all that hard, hell, (re)kill Twilight while you're at it. Well, we have a mystery, and to the author's credit, it seems like he's not going to reveal it or make it painfully obvious who it is right away.

...

Oh, wait, turns out it's TIOSEAFJ... yay. Oh, but not only is Shakespeare's Shinigami back in the game, for some reason, but 'lo and behold. She looked sexier now tho cos she used a sex note which gave her yellow hair and a big chest and one of those sexy waistcoat things ladies wear in Shakespeare times with the chests and the wastes With the chests and the wastes and the sexy. Also, our dear author seems to be under the impression that Death Note shinigami can be sexy for anyone else than the most committed of xenophiles, which I suspect to be... well, I'll let Doctor Cox take this one. Oh, and Ryuk is in on the plan, but he's the inconsequential butt monkey bitch he's been for pretty much the entire fic, so... yeah, good to have him back.

Back on the ground, our heroes are being besieged by Cybertakada riding a Nascar while wielding a rocket launcher. She fires, and misses, much to the rejoicing of Team Dark. But wait  * In every single military base in the world, the exact same thing happens at once. It's... quite unnerving, actually. Anyway, turns out Cybertakada hacked the nukes. Which nukes, you might ask? Why, it's ALL THE NUKES, of course. Oh yes, every nuclear missile in the world launches and flies into space There they all met the rocket hacking rocket and teamed up! They all joined forces to make THE BIGGEST NUCLEAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. You know, I can kinda roll with this. Sure, I'm pretty sure nukes doesn't even come close to working that way, but with some effort, but I can listen to Rap Is A Man's Soul and pretend I'm watching TTGL while being really really drunk, or something like that.

Anyway, Light freaks out when he sees this swarm of angry nukes, but Dark doesn't seem the slightest bit perturbed, despite his bullet-launching bullet train  * When it all looks the grimmest, though, Night steps into action with a Shield Note. Plot Convenience Note GET! She still has to write down all the names, though, and the nukes hit while she's still at it. Nuclear fire zoomed out in all directions setting fire to everything for a thousand miles and blasting apart buildings and turning the ground into deserts and even the sky caught fire and all the blue stuff burned away revealing the stars behind it. It's a nice mental image, but again, I'm pretty sure nukes doesn't quite work that way.

The Aftermath? "OH BALLS" night screamed. "I DINT HAVE TIME TO WRITE ALL THE NAMES! SOME PEOPLE DID NOT GET SHIELDS IN TIME AND THEY WILL HAVE BURNED TO DEATH! BUT WHO? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN THE NEXT EXITING CAHPTER OF LIGHT AND DARK THE ADVENTURES OF DARK YAGAMI! So, Night is aware she's in a shitty fanfic? That sounds like it would blow. Also, looks like the author is doing a little pruning in the character roster, soap opera style. I guess it's too much to hope for that Twilight is amongst the causalities?
10th Dec '10 8:58:49 AM flag for mods
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