Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Fission Mailed!

So, it's that time of the whatever-the-hell-timeframe-this-is again people, it's time for another Dark Yagami chapter. This one is called "THE TURTH OF THE ACTION!!!!" That's... kind of Zen when you think about it. Stupid, misspelled Zen, but hey, you take what you can get. The Author's notes are fairly laconic this time. This chatper was going to be THE BIG FIGHT, but there was one thing u neded to now first Uh... to paraphrase The Virgin Mary... come again? That was short, but confusing. I guess that's good, means less work for me, although I can't shake the feeling the author's winding up to something... ominous.

Anyway, the action resumes as L and his crew approach the robotised Yagami household, that now is so big that it collided with the moon but it wasn't pointy so it was ok huh, must've missed that big last time. Well, one can't become an evil-ish Marty Stu without a properly imposing doom fortress, I guess. Also, I could question if "it" is referring to the castle or the moon here, but I'm guessing it's the moon, let's face it, minor grammatical inconsistencies is not this fic's biggest problem. Anyway, L has a plan to deal with this plus-sized fortress. He pulls out a comically oversized drill... of course. "I got it from my bro T" L remarked. Wait... T? Is that what I think it is? Now that's just... uncanny really. Anyway, this doesn't come to much as L tried to drill the robot fort but failed because drills are lame Well, I guess that settles that. Move over, TTGL, RealDarkYagami tells us how it is.

Well, it all moves at a pretty standard pace, Dark mocks L and "The team" from up on high on his robotic fortress and then Twilight sumons a army of zombies like Alucar, I'm guessing he's referring to Alucard from Hellsing, who strictly speaking didn't summon zombies as he summoned... uh... something, can't quite remember what, but I'm pretty sure they weren't zombies. Also, I didn't know this guy was into Hellsing. Guess it makes sense, though. Midway, though, something a little odd happens. Suddenly! Dark started laughing evily like an evil dude and suddenly, our heroes, villains and in-betweens find themsevles in a completely different location. No, really, that's what it says. Light looked around, and found himself some other place, some place that could not be. Wait... that's... not really spelled wrong or phrased overly awkwardly, what the hell is going on here?

Uh... ok, Light, L, Watari, Soichiro, Ryuk and Misa find themselves in a dark room, or maybe void is more accurate, since they can't see the walls. They're blinking, as if awoken from a long slumber. Author, what the hell are you up to this time? Don't get me wrong, I'll play along, but this is actually starting to freak me out a little. The only visible object in the room appears to be a silver throne, in which A teenager slouched with the regal calm of a cat just about finished playing with a mouse. He has features not unlike those of Light, but as if designed by an entity with tangential knowledge of how a human was supposed to look. Upon further examination, Light discovered the reason for his doppleganger's slouch. Poor posture or not, this position seemed to be the only way the man could sit comfortably, given the bulge in his pants that wasn't as much a bulge as a cancerous mass of flesh the size of a portly dachshund. Upon reflection, the shape was similar too. Yeah, starting to realize who this guy is, and I can't say I like this.

Light asks who this guy is, and he replies, smugly dontchaknow, that he is Dark. Yup, the ridiculously ginormous penis was the giveaway, a sentence I, with a little luck, will never have to write again. Light and co react, as one would, with a mix of confusion and shock. L is the first one to say anything useful. "I never knew you had a twin, Light-kun" Light turned his head to glare at L, the glare turned into the sort of gaze that seemed to last just a little too long for comfort, wherein the two geniuses attempted to figure each other out. Buh... what? Anyway, Dark explains where it's at, I'll let the man sum it up for us. "For quite a while now, you might have noticed that you aren't quite yourselves." The man who called himself Dark explained. "Brother, you've been involved romantically with your rival, L, and Misa... well, you've moved on to a slightly more feminine member of the Yagami family, Father, I suppose, you've been kind of an asshole." Dark paused, allowing the fact to sink in. At this point, Light gives L a "dude, what the fuck"-look, and Misa seems that particular brand of ditzy outrage occasionally observed in the manga and Ryuk is scratching his head, huh, well, I guess people are back in character now, that's... a little jarring. MORE EXPOSITION! Dark chuckled, clearly amused by the shock, outrage and pure confusion amongst his audience. "Oh, and that's not even half of it, but let's not dally on the ways I have changed your life, and indeed your world, although I feel I must add, that this..." Dark held out a hand, showing a handful of ash and what looked like pieces of charred paper "is about as much of the original continuity as I could find."

At this point, L asks why do this... whatever this meta-fictional nightmare this thing is. Dark explains that he figured it'd hurt more if the Death Note crew, at least subconsciously, knew that something way out of their league was fucking with their very being for it's own amusement. "Also..." Dark added, whistfully inspecting the crystaline cube that appeared out of nowhere in his hand. "I always wanted to be a Magnificent Bastard" Light notices that they're starting to fade, his inteligence slowly fading with it, when our heroes have almost faded away, Light has one final line. "That's not your real form, is it?" Well, that's an odd question to make, but turns out he's right. Dark smiled, and his smile split further than it should be able to, his cheeks splitting open to an unearthly grin. Not content with this, his chin split vertically into a jointed maw with a sickening squelch before his skin errupted in

I just realized something about this fic The author is me. I'm not quite sure how, but somehow, it must be true. But if he is me, and I obviously am not him, then who am I, exactly? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I'm you.

The Horror... the horror