Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Meet... Twilight.... WHY?

I wanted a badfic, and for my sins, they gave me one. Hooh boy, did they ever. It's time to tackle chapter 36 of this still ongoing mess. Today's chapter is called "GETTING REDY FOR THE FIIIIGHT" Oh capslock, how I've missed you, how's your sister, Bad Spelling? Well, no author's notes today, which makes me wonder if chapter 35 & 36 was intended to be one long clusterfuck of a chapter. Let's get on with it, then.

Ray wants to get going, but Watari wants to know how many guns he has first. Ray has five guns, which usually is enough for most people who doesn't happen to be Mahakali, but Watari isn't satisfied. "THAT IS NOT SODDING ENOUGH WIZARDLY GUNS! YOU WILL NEED LIKE FIVE HUNDRED TO HAVE ANY HOP OF OUTWITTING THE BASTARDLY YAGAMIS!" Wits equals guns now. Yes. This means that the Doomguy from the Doom Comic is quite possibly the most crafty bastard in the world. Also, "Wizardly Guns," what's that supposed to be? Guns for wizards or guns that themselves are wizards? Are there even wizards? Do Wizards exist in this setting? Why does the word "wizard" suddenly have no meaning to me?

The newest Stu of the fic, C, however, has it covered. Fair warning, the following quote might blow your mind, one way or another. Then C pulled down his pants. Everyone was shocked but then he took some special transformer guns from his special place and then they weren't shocked cos they new why he done it now! They got big when he showed them to people. Uh, C, dude, Captain Jack Harkness called, he wants his trick back. Also, that last sentence there seems oddly fetishistic, just in case you were looking for further proof that the author is pulling our legs.

Next, we move to "Inside the house." Inside what house, you might ask, and I'm not sure, maybe it's the House in Ash Tree Lane. As much fun as that would be, though, context eventually makes it clear that it's the Yagami household. Alarms go off, klaxon, red lights and the sudden appearance of bulletproof steel doors. Night explains that it's her emergency alarm that turns the house into a robot fort whenever there's "evil duded" afoot. Robot Fort huh? Well, all we're missing now is drills and a loudmouthed Crazy Awesome sexist with funky sunglasses, and we're golden.

Anyway, Night goes to her room, where Sayu and Misa were there and they were naked and embraced cos they were sexing in nights room when the emergency went and a bunch of lights red and the steel doors locked them in the room Some day, I'd like to investigate in depth how much of the sex scenes in this story actually contributes to the narrative at all. An educated guess, though, would be "none." At any rate, Night doesn't mind the two having sex in her room, but the alarm marks the end of the fun, mood killing as it is. The question on everybody's lips is this time uttered by Misa, with complimentary fanservice, of course. "What is this?" misa asked doing the scared dance. Her chest was very bouncy and bounced a lot when she did it and it was dead hot cos bouncy chests are meant to be hot! Is The Scared Dance perhaps similar to the Thriller dance, or possibly the logical precursor to the Safety Dance. Oh, and Misa is Gainaxing now, huzzah.

Night explains it all again, natch, a slightly laconic version yes, but it really isn't doing the pace any favor. The three decide to get ready for battle. The three girls grabbed death notes and life notes and sex notes for later and swords and got ready! A Sex Note now? I'm surprised this one didn't come up sooner, given the overall maturity of this whole... thing. Meanwhile, in Dark's room, Dark is getting changed into his battle gear, which he apparently has all of a sudden while Light is watching. The author goes to great lenghts to demonstrate there's nothing homosexual about this, to the point where I'm getting flashbacks to the Sonichu audiobooks. Dark even tops it off with saying "I am not gay"Darksaid because the readers at home might think so other ways because... you know, a fictional character doing things that might be hinting at him or her being homosexual while insisting to be heterosexual doesn't give people ideas at all. This is so blatant that I get that whole "The author isn't even trying"-vibe again.

So, people dress up in increasingly insane combat outfits, my favorite being a T-shirt and Jeans... made out of platinium. The fact that strictly speaking, Jeans not made out of denim probably can't be called jeans, doesn't even begin to measure up to the crazy ridiculous-cum-awesome thought of such an attire, although it kind of boggles the mind how one is supposed to get them on. Through some frankly ridiculous surveilance equipment, the crew discover the arriving L Crew. Light thinks this is pretty much the worst thing that could happen, but Dark has another idea. "Actually the worst thing that could happen was if I was eaten by a lion but this is still pretty bad" dark said wisely I think I'm nominating this to "First Witty Line In the Fic," and almost 40 chapters in, that's... yeah. For the record, it could still be worse. Radioactive Bears, that is all

The crew suggests bringing out their secret weapon, exactly who does, I'm a little uncertain of, but it certainly wasn't Dawn, as he's uncertain what the secret weapon is, exactly. Well, TO THE NIGHTLAB, except they're already there. Right, that makes sense, why not? Night points the crew to an sciency looking thing in the corner of the room. It was like a giant icebox made of gold and covered in computers and there was smoke coming off it but it was the cold smoke that ice makes. At some point, I should probably question where everybody gets the funds for this shit, but honestly, I've pretty much given up on said line of inquiry at this point. What is this? You might ask, well... "It is obviously a freezer for freezing DNA vampires!" Oh... crap, I know where this is going, and I'm not liking it, not one bit.

I could ask what the hell a DNA vampire is supposed to be, and since that'll delay the inevitable, I think I'll go ahead and do that. I mean, is it a vampire that eats DNA? That sounds like a halfway cool idea, although it'd require some serious rewriting of the Lore, since red blood cells actually are so specialized that they do not have DNA. Sure, the white blood cells do, and I guess that's a justification for it, but there must be more effective ways of harvesting DNA. Oh, or it could be that a DNA vampire is a cloned vampire or a vampire with DNA or I don't fucking know, let's continue.

Indeed, the freezer contains THE VAMPIRE CLONE OF DARK YAGAMI apropriately named, what else, Twilight Yagami. Author! Explain! (GET IT! Some dudes in the reviews made it up so good job guys! It was clever cos twilight is a thing and there is a vampire and they are named after dawn and stuff! Yes, clever was the word, that or lame I guess. Night thaws the vampire out with a flamethrower, of course, and reveals our newest sue. He had fangs like samrai swords and robot skin but it wasn't shiny cos those vampires are lame So you based your character on a set of creatures you find to be lame? I'm not necessarily disagreeing, but that's kinda odd. Oh and the vampire also has eyes  *. Twilight jumps out of his containment and starts breaking Dawn, if you by "break" mean "bite" in which case you probably should ask for your money back for that thesaurus.

Dark asks where Night got this handsome specimen, and the author points out that Dark DEFINITELY isn't gay. Seriously dude, you're really stretching the Kayfabe here. Also, it's revealed that Twilight is 50% Dark Yagami and 50% Blud the shinigami. I believe that we with this have reached a new level of Sueness, what with the inclusion of a half-human half-whatever hybrid, doubtlessly with the strengths of both and the weaknesses of neither.

So, this chapter. There have been times when I've been flabbergasted by this fic, but this is the first time it's given me a So Bad, It's Good-gasm, either that, or I just went a little insane, I'm not particularly sure which of them, but some SAN was probably lost. It's fully possible that someone else came up with the Twilight Yagami idea independent from this thread.... <.< Buuuuut just in case *ahem*

"All that's missing now is a Kamina clone Yagami sibling wielding a Katana made out of bees "

Worth a shot, yes?