Allright y'all, the collar that threatens to detonate whenever a chapter of this fic goes unsnarked for long started beeping omniously today, so I figure it's about time to give chapter 33 a go, huh? This chapter is called "Soichoro goes to McDs" I'd say this title promises dullness, but I know (vaguely) what horrors lurk beyond the title Cloud Mows The Lawn
, so I'm making no promises vis-a-vis how much this will go Ivan Drago on your mind. Author's notes. AN HEY DUDES. Im back! This chap was going to have a time machine but they are to gross so theres a magic back to the future 3 train instead
how are time machines, that are not time machines but rather dream machines, natch, gross exactly? Well, except the possible intrusion into the wonderful world of wet dreams, that is? But ok, a magical time-traveling train instead. Right. This is going to be swell
The chapter opens like so. A train full of nuclears and chemicals and bombs and lions zoomed towards lights city at like the speed of lightening
I'd personally have added bears
instead, but the lions are admittedly a nice touch. The author goes on to tell us to keep this train in mind, since it's not important now, but will be important later. I like how he tells us that, not like we can infer that this object will indeed be important later.
Back at school, Light, possessed by Khaos due to... a dream something-or-other. I guess I'll just call him K!Light to avoid confusion. You know, more confusion. K!light hoards mashed potatoes and hotdogs in the cafeteria and makes a model of himself OUT OF PROTATOS!
I just realized something, I do not imagine these fanfic characters as at all similar to their canon counterparts any more. I'm not sure when that happened, but onwards, what is this devious plan of K's?
He dresses the spud clone up in his own close, covering his privates with his "hate," before sending the copy of himself to class. I'm not even going to question how the hell that's supposed to work, but I will say as much: It does say something when any main character can be replaced with mashed potatoes without anyone noticing. K!Light does a potentially lethal escape from the bathroom and makes off. Meanwhile, Soichiro is at the police station, but nobody does anything wrong, since they're afraid of Kira. I hate to get into that debate, but it shows that the author's view on justice and crime matches that of the ACTUAL Light, which I personally consider not a good thing. Enough about that, though, as Soichiro goes
to the batcave
to MacDonalds, grumbling about how Kira is a douche. Then again, douchebags get a bad rap
well, until the almost naked K!Light comes wandering. Soichiro wants to know what his son is doing out there in the blizzard in his birthday suit, the author helpfully chimes in with AN I mean in the fic I know its not in real life cos its summer! And its all sunny and like a hunded degrees but I am a writer! And writers are allowed to make stuff up like the whether sometimes
Dude, you write a fanfiction in a universe where notebooks kill people, there are penises big enough to be legally considered blunt weapons, and throwing knifes makes things explode, the weather is not your biggest problem. Of course, to which degree this 'fella is a writer or a serial keyboard abuser can be discussed. Anyway, K!light ends up confessing that he's railing some chick in an alley nearby, and because of that is naked. Soichiro thinks "Light" is much cooler now. So, he's noticably cooler as a exhibitionistic heterosexual than as a homosexual. I'd call for Unfortunate Implications
, but it's not the first time, let's just grit our teeth and move on, huh?
K!Light and Soichiro hugs, but before we go anywhere that actually matters or see anything that... you know, matters, K!Light has a question. "If I wanted to buy the world how much would it cost."
Well, that certainly reminds me of my current day job, but ''no matter, Soichiro replies that it'd take at least Like a trillion dollars! plus tax!
Well, I guess we can add economics to yet another thing the author does not understand. Oh, but it gets better, because a man in a time travel suit, like the one Shakespeare's shinigami used (again, writing that just feels weird) speaks up. I'm just going to quote this."I am a time banker and I listened to what you said. Did you know that money cost less in the past?" "NO!" "It did! The world might cost a tillion dollars toady but in shakespeers day you could by it for a dime cos there were ony ten pennys in the hole world!" "OMG!" "But don't trie it cos the time police watch all the time machines in the world so noone can do it." "All the tim machines?" light asked getting all up in the bank dudes grill. "Except for time trains cos they don't watch them for some reason."
I... just... yeah. So K is going to buy the world in the past, with the help of a time train. You could say his plan was to take over the world... OF COURSE!
On said train, I think, the author's kind of not doing me any favors, the whole thing is hijacked by a person in unconvincing drag. It's Mello! Wait, I forget, but didn't he die for the third time or something like that a while ago and was not mentioned again? Well, he plans to take revenge. Spiffy.
The next part is... not all that fun, so I'll give you the short version. Mello goes to the future, doesn't go far enough, goes farther and gathers notes about how he's to defeat Dark, however, once he gets back to the train, he gets jumped by Khaos, if this is in Light's body or not, I'm not sure. Anyway, K shoves a sleeping pill down Mello's nose, and we get a dream sequence. Yay.
Mello dreamed he was in his underpants in the street and noone noticed but he was dead scared in case they did and saw his man thing. Then he bought a castle and sexed with a sexy princess."That was good sexing" he said after tipping a billion tones of chocolate into his mouth and crunching it up with a crunch. Then he looked at the princess. SHE WAS KHAOS! AND SHE HAD A ROPE!
Uh, this fic just Rule 63'd itself. Speaking of which, I'm wondering if there's any rule 34 of this fic. I kind of do not want to know, though.
Anyway, K now has two bodies and a time-traveling train, and he's going to Shakespeare's time. The author closes off with this. WOW! THAT WAS EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN I FORT IT WOULD BE! CHECK IT OUT NEXT TIME!
Yes, I just can't wait to see more failsome attempts of Shakespearian writing and... well, time travel, because that's always fun.