Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Send in the Clones

Well, the author certainly is cranking up the frequency, since we have a new chapter allready. Chapter 25 is called "What does this Day dude do?» A character that actually includes a modicum of tension and is free of spelling mistakes OR capslock? Now I'm scared. Not very scared, but a little, «hour two of a Higurashi marathon»-scared. Well, author's notes, of course. SOME DUDES OR MAYBE NOT DUDES SENT ME FANMAILS! AWESOME AND TANKS YOU GUYS! Hum... well, I can't really say I believe that this guy actually has fans, but hey, there are people who enjoy Sonichu unironically  *, so it's possible.

We resume our story at the Yagamis, where Mrs. Yagami demands to know who this Day person is, spitting some cake in Light's face too, just in case you forgot that Light is in this fix for the lulz alone. Day introduces himself, apparently fully capable of speaking despite being hours old at most. I'd understand if he could sing, but speak? Well, Mrs. Yagami doesn't take this all too well, accusing her husband of sleeping around.

Blud tries to chime in to defend Mr. Yagami, but noone could hear him cos he was a shinigami! And also he wasn’t there. Uhm... that's pretty stupid, but let's just move on, shall we? Let's just pretend that it makes sense, shall we? With Blud unable to reach them and also being... not there, who is capable of ending this madness? Why, Night, of course. Why the evil clone of Dark who tried to destroy the world is accepted in the family no questions asked is beyond me, but let's just keep rolling with it. What does she say to calm things down, though? She says that Day is her son, of course... uhm, what?

I'd say pa' Soichiro takes the news of his daughter  *... rather well. “WHOS THE GEEK WHO GOT YOU TEEN PRAGNET? IF I CATCH THAT PUNK ILL KNOCK HIS LIGHTS OUT AND THEN HELL TO LIVE IN THE DARK AND THEN ILL PUNCH HIM AND SLAP HIM AND BEAT HIM OFF WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND THEN THROW HIM OUT OF THE WINDOW NAD THEN JUMP ON HIM AND HELL SAY “OW STOP IT THAT HURTS” AND I WILL COS IM A NICE GUY BUT NOT TOO NICE AND I GET THE POLICE GUN AND SHOOT A POLICE CAR AT HIM. THATLL TEACH HIM A LESSoN!!!!!!!!” The police gun gets yet another mention, huzzah for the silliest BFG ever. Well, Night tries to explain that Light is Day's dad. Yeah, that'll calm things down allright.

The author chimes in with This was a bad thing to say because Soichiro dint understand how clones worked cos hes never played Metalgear solid. Well, I'm no expert  * but there's probably way better sources than MGS. Of course, Soichiro is less than tickled about this tale of incest, and reacts as one might expect. Carpet F-Bombing incomming. “WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! WHAT F-CKING F-CKED UP F-CKING F-CK F-CKING F-CKER OF A F-CKER F-CKING M-TH-RF-CKING F-CK F-CK F-CK F-CK DID YOU F-CKING MAKE MY DORTER PREGNANT?” And here I thought the motherfucker was Right, well, Night tries to explain how it went down. Mr. Yagami mishears a bit, though. “WTF DO YOU MAKE CLOWNS?” “Not clowns! Clones are like dudes and sometimes chicks made of dna and they look like someone else but there always good or evil like twins.” I must admit, I have a weak spot in my heart for clowns/clones jokes, but it must also be said that the author's quickly approaching such high concentrations of «You fail at twins/clones/genes/biology» that I'm seriously starting to think he's having a laugh, even though I say that every other chapter nowadays.

Soichiro apparently buys this, asking no questions along the lines of «how come you have a cloning machine» or even «how stupid do you think I am?» seeing as he congratulates Light with his new son. Day, however, says that he'd rather be Dark's son because Dark is much cooler. Ah yes, wouldn't want to have a chapter without Dark Marty Stuing all over the place, now would we? Well, Dark tells Day to go to his room. “I don’t have one!” Day wined pointing to all his suitcases in the porch. Uhm, he's freshly cloned, and yet he's speaking english, making choices like nobody's business, and apparently have some sort of personality, but he also have suitcases, one assumes they're filled with stuff. Is there some ridiculous timetravel involved here, or does cloning also involve rapid growth and donations of stuff from above. Again, trying my hardest to pretend this makes sense. Dark sets Day up for a room in the attic while Light is sad because He wanted a son to take to baseball games and go fishing with and do all that lame stuff from tv with. Now he would have to take Near instead and noone likes him cos he smells and hes a kid. Yes, that's yet another potshot at Near. You'd think there'd be less of that once he was Killed Off for Real, but you'd be wrong

That night, Day discovers that the attic his «dad» told him to sleep in sucks rather badly, as ghosts and rats and ghost rats ghosted over his head biting him sometimes. Well, if you didn't know by now, dear reader, Dark's an asshole, but enough with that. On with the story! Day is confronted by a ghost who has an evil plan……… it involves watari and a laser gun and it will let ME BE THE NEW L! Isn't the current L alive at this point? I loose track, but it's not like that matters all that much in this fic, now does it? Day, however, refuses because he's a «good clone.» Again, turning the Death Note Black and Gray Morality into not only standard good vs evil, but also into very simple good vs evil. Well, the ghost goes away, and at this point the author chimes in. MY ENGLISH TEACHER SAID THIS IS CALLD FOUR SHADOWS BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE SHADOWS ARE SO I MADE IT NIGHT TIME JUST TO BE SAFE One hopes he is talking about Foreshadowing, or there's a literary technique out there I'm utterly in the dark about.

The day after: Light and Dark were in bed together still becos even though Dark was like a super rich dude he kept forgetting to buy a new bed and DEF NOT COS HES GAY COS HES NOT IM SURE. ... right. Yes, Dark is totally not gay. His brother is, but Dark isn't, 10-4, mister author man. The Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? is reaching almost parodic levels here, but ok. Well, Light is late for school, while Dark is too fanfuckingtastingly smart to need going to school. Of course he is.

Meanwhile at the police station, L is, like the reader, frustrated that Light haven't done anything even resembling Kira-like for way too long. Long and boring story short: L asks Watari to get him an ice cream burger, Watari, as obnoxiously british as always, gets help from the ice cream store to carry his purchase back to the top secret headquarters of the greatest detective of all time. Class move. It's practically the tense thriller plot of death note all over again. The clerk had black messy hair like L and black eyes like L and also like hed been punched recently and he was wearing a white tshirt and a jeans and no shoes and he was sucking his thumbs and he looked exactly like L except he was taller. So... this guy is similar to L, you say?

Well, L thinks this is all a coincidens, despite this mysterious clerk saying “now i no where you live” before leaving. Greatest detective ever, yes indeed. The author takes us home with WAS THAT DUDE EVIL? WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'm not quite sure what to say. I mean, this is pretty much the first character who's left even a little bit in the dark for the end of a chapter, although I'm fairly certain the reveal will be lame, at least there's a slight improvement to be had. This is a bit worrying, to say the least. Heck, pretty much the only thing that could turn me off doing this fic would be for it to move from bad to medicore.