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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Meet Day
Alright people, it's time to travel straight back to my own personal Heart of Darkness. Isn't that great? Well, the chapter I will be savaging today is called "The world ends! NOT!" Again, a title that didn't spoil the story would be nice. "Will the world end?" is maybe a bit cheesy, and you can with a 99% certainty say "no, it won't." but hey, at least you get the impression that the author gives a shit. Well, we get authors notes, where the author continues to miss the point most savagely. I HAS 20000 VIEWS AND 100 REVEWS! YOU GUYS ARE LIKE AWESOME EXCEPT SOME OF YOU ARENT BUT NOT YOU ! YOUR COOL! So, this message is directed at those of his haters that doesn't actually read the story at the moment? That's some dangerously meta stuff right there.

So, the story resumes with some of New York's finest being dispatched to deal with the Twin Sues and their attempts to end the world. How many people try to save us all from the apocalypse? Three cars worth and one gun. I didn't honestly think American police went with so light a loadout per person for anything, unless, of course, we're talking about the car-launching BFG from earlier, in which case I guess they're short on ammo? “DARCUS TAYLOR YAGAMI YOU ARE UNDER A REST! the cops said stuffing like a billion donuts into there face and sugar and jelly and crinkles went everywhere and the pink frosting also and they looked like a pink dude covered in sugar crinkles. “COME QUIETLY OR WE WILL MAKE YOU COME LOUDER!” You know guys... I'm starting to sympathize with Dark's "destroy the world" plan here. Originally I was going to snark about the Double Entendre at the end there, but... no. You know it's there. Let's move on. How does Dark respond to this? Dark flipped a bird at them and the bird scratched there faces and ate the jelly Uhm... I know I've asked this several times, but is the author having a laugh at us again?

We then jump back to the Yagami family household, which is, according to the author A MILLION MILES AWAY So, since the Yagamis live in New York in this fic  *, I'm guessing the rest of the action doesn't happen there, but I'll be damned if I'll go back and check where. So, L freaks out because he smells something, something Soichiro responds to with a "yo mama"-joke. I honestly should've started a "things I can't imagine Soichiro Yagami ever doing"-counter. Also: L and Light being more or less banned from the Yagami house? Apparently not in effect. Light isn't happy with Soichiro indirectly insulting his boytoy, but he stopped doing things that mattered many many chapters ago, so I don't care. You see, L freaks out because he can smell sugar, and when Light tries to give him a Cooldown Hug, they end up having cooldown sex instead. Yeah. Just like that. That makes sense, right? Well, apparently it didn't work too well, since L thought Light was made out of candy and tries to eat him mid-act. Cthulhu in the depths, there's so much wrong with all of this, but I can't help but laugh at the mental image of fanart that no-one have seen and hopefully no-one will make. Did that make sense? no? Good, because this fic sure don't. Well, L seems confused about his own real name as he storms out in search of donuts.

So, it turns out that the action is taking place in Los Angeles, ok, I can dig it. If you could just replace "New York's finest" with "L.A's finest" in your minds, I'd appriciate it. Well, things are getting serious as Night is starting to sing her apocalyptic song... and it's a badly rewritten version of "The Hokey Pokey," including a little author filibuster about how evil that song is. Uhm... ok, not quite what I expected  *, but then again, I keep expecting this fic to not suck, so there's me. Oh wait, it's apparently hokey pokey in name only, since it has new lyrics in Roman, if this means Italian, Latin or Romani is beyond me, and a new melody... although the new lyrics-part seems to be in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe, so... yeah. Anyway, Night sings, shit blows up and Dark stands around being a smug unlikable bastard. A fireball happened and then an explosion and a bigger one and an asterod fell out of the sky and landed and it exploded and set the ocean on fire. Then the moon got really close to the ground and it was the pointy moon so it started stabbing people and blood poured everywhere like the sea except the sea was on fire! Like lava!Oh and also there was a volcano. You know, it'd be an even more intense apocalypse if anything came close to MAKING SENSE. Azathoth full of mercy, people... the moon is pointy so it stabs people, and the sea is on fire? I'm sure there's an author out there who could make that sound plausible, and even a little cool, but naturally, this author ain't it.

Not to worry, though, since our sugar-dependant friend is here to save the day. How he got there so fast is beyond me, but hey, let's just say it's not the stupidest thing yet. He and Night argues about if it's a good thing to destroy the world or not. Again, a scene that could almost work, hadn't it been for the fact that L gets the upper hand in the argument to point out that "the kiddies" will have nowhere to live if Night destroys the earth, something she didn't consider. Ok, so in addition to being a complete and total sue, Night is also stupider than what should strictly speaking be possible. Great. So, Night ceases her singing. Just how she talked with L while singing? I have no idea. Well, Dark points out that he, unlike Night, thought of that before initiating his master plan of doing nothing until the universe aligned perfectly, and then... doing nothing until he was pulled to the middle of the whole thing and declared a magnificent bastard. Not that it matters much, as L pulls a gun and arrests the both of them.

It would seem the author's running out of steam, because at the police station, we get this message from the author: I’ve done like a bunch of scenes at he police station and its getting real boring so ill just say they got out again and dark sexed the desk lady while he was there because that’s what you do when your as awesome as Dark and the desk lady is there! I’d sex her if I could and also if she was real. So... they just got out? Just like that? No escape, no clever plans? They just got out? These are the people that tried to end the world five minutes ago, people, slap them their Miranda Rights and throw them in the darkest hole you can find. Oh, and again, why doesn't this desk person get an actual name? I mean, since the author apparently have the hots for her, you'd think he had a name for her. Maybe that's part of the charm, I don't know.

So, back home with the Yagamis, Night is brewing up a concoction most foul. What is she making? a magic chemical to make good clones of people. I see where this is going... and it definitely ain't good. Anyway, enter Light, who acts... stranger than usual, to put it lightly. “That sounds laaaaaaaaameeeeeee!” shrieked light balleting into the room. “You need to find a way to make something I need LIKE HAIR GEL"' I think that if you work really REALLY hard, you can get Light more OOC than he is in this fic, but it won't be fucking easy, as much is certain. Well, what happens next? he tripped over and fell on his man thingy and dna went everywhere and a bit landed in his hair and also some fell in the test tube full of clone juice but noone noticed Uhm... does that mean what I think it means? I certainly hope not. Well, here comes the real mindbender, though. Despite working on a way to clone people, Night's not really interested in making a clone, in fact, she'd rather she didn't. Why even make the serum then? For SCIENCE! I guess. Well, to make sure nothing is cloned by accident, Night stores the clone serum in the safety of... the cloning machine. Right. I think I'll let the mind-bending stupidity of that decision pass, if only to be able to concentrate on the fact that the Yagamis apparently have a cloning machine.

Well, the next day, the whole family is celebrating the birthday of the two twins. Mrs. Yagami bakes two cakes, one for Dark and one for Light. Needless to say, Dark's cake, by the mere virtue of being Dark's cake, is much bigger, much manlier and in general a better cake, so Light's cake gets dropkicked out of the house. Right. What happens next... well: A dude walked in! He looked exactly like dark except his head was shaved into a funky spiral like Kanye when he did that thing and didn’t let them finish (but this guy will cos hes a good clone). He was wearing a t shirt and jeans and no shoes but it was just a coincidence Who is this character? In his own words: “I AM DARK YAGAMI’S GOOD CLONE…….. DAY YAGAMI!” Oh sweet merciful Elder Gods, how many fucking genetically-identical-yet-pretty-different versions of Dark Yagami do we fucking NEED? One is bad enough, two is overkill, and three? I have only one thing to say to perfectly sum up my feelings on the subject: WHARRGARBL!

Honestly, I just can't wrap my head around this. Who in their right mind would introduce yet another goddamn set of Dark/Light genes into this mess? And why? What in all blazes made the author think this story needed more pointless characters that'll with 99% probability end up switching between playing second fiddle and sucking Dark's monstrous wang, some times even literally? So, what does the author have to say in his defense? THINGS JUST HAPPENED! IM BACK ALSO! CHRISTMAS WAS GOOD! ALSO I KISSED KAYLA SO F-CK YOU CHRISTIE!!! LOL! For crying out loud, this is like My Sassy Girl for complete morons. Well...here's to hoping he doesn't feel the need to come crawling back to this Christie person, since I think everyone who's read My Immortal knows what that'll mean.

Well, that's yet another chapter down, and I'd feel optimistic if I had the slightest idea how many there were left. To be honest, though, I've kind of missed writing this thing. I won't say I enjoy the Dark Yagami saga, because then I'd probably have to punish myself somehow, but it's fun in it's own twisted little way.
10th Dec '10 8:20:50 AM flag for mods
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