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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

[table of contents]
Gay sex and forensics
Hey kids, it's me again. The author seems to have taken my "I'll snark as long as you write"-statement as a challenge, because we have yet another chapter to gorge ourselves on in this sweet yuletide. I'm done with buying gifts, and I'm ready to riff on this madness. If I only had some mulled wine, the awesomeness would be complete, but I guess I'll save that for later. So, this chapter is called "SAVE THE QUEEN FROM DARK" Hm, I would personally be more concerned with saving the Queen from The Sex Pistols, but hey, that's me and my priorities. The author notes does its best to hype us up. THIS CHAPTERS GONNA BLOW YOUR F-CKING MINDS YOU GUYS! ALSO ITS GOOD!. Well, ok hyperbole, but is the last part really necessary. Silly slowzombie, logic is for other authors. Well, let's get this road on the show, shall we?

Our heroes, the police, rush towards the Yagami house, but when they get there, they discover that inside the car Light and L were sexing inside on the backseat! AND THEY WERE NAKED! Skipping the usual Captain Obvious remarks, I'm kinda getting the vibes that we're supposed to be either surprised or outraged by this development. Especially if you take the line following immediately after as any indication. Take it away, Soichiro “WHAT THE F-CKING ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAKISH SON OF MINE AND YOU SCRINKLY DETECTIVE DUDE WHO LIKES SUGER AND CANDIES. THIS WAS A CLUE IN VERY IMPORTANT CASE AND YOU GOT YOUR SEXYNESS ALL OVER IT. YOU ARE BANNED FROM THE YAGAMI HOUSE BOTH OF YOU BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO CATCH YOUR SISTER!” Hm. Real smooth, Mr. Yagami, but hey, at least it's another little bit without Dark, and every such piece would be worth its weight in gold if they had any discernible weight. Oh, and true to tradition, being discovered and/or banned doesn't stop the two lovers from finishing up, I can't even fathom how awkward that must be for all the involved parties.

Well, the police give the Yagami household the good olde CSI treatment, but, as Watari puts it: “THE SODDING NIGHT LASS JUST SODDING FORGOT HER FINGERS!” Hehe, am I the only one who could easily imagine that in a CSI episode of some sort? As a Grissom One-Liner or something   mostly unrelated thought Well. L is not discouraged, probably because he just ate a remote. If I were the one who decided such things, "L eats a remote" would totally be a meme. Anyway, the recently disowned detective suggests that they search Sayu's room, a search that turns out to be entirely pointless.

Hm, so, the police finds themselves called to Dark's room by a mysterious voice. Gee, I hope this is one of the two-sentence mysteries that have been littering this fic thus far. Well, they do, and what do they find in Dark's room? And in Darks room was…… DARK! DARK YAGAMI! DARK FRIGGING YAGAMI YOU GUYS! Ehm... ok, that... provoked absolutely no emotional response in me whatsoever. I mean, you'd think the author could cough up something, at least disgust, since I pretty much hate the character. Well, let's see what Dark's dasdardly plan is, shall we?

Dark tells our heroes, whoever they actually are at the moment, to look at the TV, where the Queen is being interviewed, there is tea involved, very proper, very British, until Her Royal Highness punches the interviewer, that is. The author chimes in with a very helpful Which is something the Queen wouldn’t normally do but she did and that’s why its shocking. Thanks man, wouldn't have caught that otherwise. She then goes on to state that “Everyone in the world listen to me!” she said and they did. “I have an impotent thingy to say! THE WORLD WILL END IN TEN MINUTES THANKS TO NIGHT YAGAMI AND HER MAGNIFICENT BASTARD BROTHER DARK! THIS IS NOT A TEST!” Again, if Dark is a Magnificent Bastard, I'm a Casanova. So, naturally, a world-wide freakout ensues, except for in France, because the French doesn't speak English and there are no translators, shit explodes, and the queen tries to calm everyone down. “DON’T PANIC DUDES!” the queen bellowed to calm the scene a bit. “I AM NOT REALLY THE QUEEN I AM JUST DARK YAGAMI USING A DEATH NOTE TO TALK!” Ehm... ok, the world is going under and the Queen of The Commonwelt is going to die. Yeah. Also, you couldn't possibly reveal this in any other way? I mean, I shouldn't expect this guy to follow any sort of writing rules, but yet I keep doing it.  *

Watari is less than pleased about this, being stereotypically British as he is. He put dusters on his knuckles but they weren’t very good dusters because they were made of metal not cloth so they couldn’t dust stuff but they could punch dudes and that’s why he did it. That could almost count as a pun, with an emphasis on almost, given that this fic couldn't be funny to save its life. Watari is persudated not to punch Dark's lights out because Dark will give the title of Queen to him, because Dark "Doesn't want it." How Dark would become king queen in the first place, though, is beyond me. Maybe by killing her, Dark would absorb her power? I honestly don't know folks, but just in case that's the case: Royalty doesn't work that way. So, with this sole voice of dissent being silent, the police stand by silently as Dark has the Queen list his demands. Author Appeal ahoy “SO ANYWAY DARK THAT IS ME HAS A LIST OF DEMANS THAT MUST BE MET! STEP ONE. HE WANTS TWO TRILLION DOLLARS. TWO. I WANT SPAIN AND THE MOON AND THE SUN. THREE. I WANT A BUS THAT WILL GO TO MY HOUSE FROM THE GYM. FOUR. I WANT A GYM. FIVE. I WANT GUITAR HERO FOR CHRISTMAS COS MY DAD IS TOO LAME TO BUY IT AND WTF YOU GUYS. SIX. I WANT A SPACESHIP AND TWO KINDS OF FERRARI AND A LAMBAGINY. SEVEN. I WANT MY OWN TV CHANNEL THAT SHOWS PICS OF HOW AWESOME I AM EVERYDAY AND HAS VIDS OF ME SEXING FOR EVERYONE TO SEE HOW SEXY I AM. EIGHT. I WANT A MACHINE GUN MADE OF BREAD. NINE. I WAN ANOTHER TRILLION DOLLARS. TEN. I WANT THE DRAGONBALLS. ELEVEN. I WANT A PLANE. TWELVE. I DON’T WANT A PLAN COS I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE ONE SOZ BUT GET ME ANOTHER ANYWYA. THIRTEEN. I WANT A BOOK WRITED ABOUT HOW GOOD I AM AT SEXING AND IT MUST BE THE LAW TO READ IT. FOURTEEN. I WANT EVERY PLAYBOY EVER AND ALSO THE TV GUIDE. FIFTENN. I WANT MY BROTHERS BOYFRIENDS GRAMPS TO BE THE NEW QUEEN AGAIN!” SIXTEEN. I WANT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO SEND ME A TEXT EVEN CHRISTIE. SEVENTEEN. I WANT A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS I FORGOT.” Dear readers, if you are not insane by now... you are lying, either to me or to yourself. I, for example, suddenly see the use of a machine gun made out of bread. Why yes, Mr. Darcy, I will have some more tea.

Ehm, yes, anyway. The Queen dies, but she gets instantly reanimated because prince Charlie was there with a life note and his shinigami who was the ghost of a roman dude. So... people just accept Dark's demands? What sort of central authority ordered this? How much longer 'till I'm insane enough to not question shit like this? You see, Dark takes the tv dudes to that bowling place in Hollywood. There were a bunch of mikes and they were pointing at a mowhawky chick with a mowhawk and a bunch of tattoes and one of them said “SING THE SONG THAT ENDS THE WORLD.” I... just don't know any more. What I do know, though, is that the inevitable shocking revelation will be about as shocking as the sun rising in the morning. So, to help this, the reveal is done twice. Yes. No kidding. She did a sound check………….. AND IT WAS NIGHT! And the woman singing was….. NIGHT! Our favorite Sue drags Dark up on stage, revealing that her and Dark have been evil all along. I am shocked, thoroughly shocked. And no, I'm not potholing that to sarcasm mode, despite this statement pretty much doing it. The author's final word on this supposed ending, or alleged story, if you prefer? THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. ARE THEY GOOD? I DON’T KNOW EXCEPT THERE AWESOME BUT TELL ME WITH A REVIEEEEW!!!!

10th Dec '10 8:16:00 AM flag for mods
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