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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
The same sans guest
Well, that was... strange. Moving on though, this chapter is titled "Helicopter and also sexings." Well, I guess I'm asking a lot of this fic to have coherent gramar anywere, and that's including its titles. Oh, and the author's notes? SO I WAS GOOGLING MYSELF AND FOUN SOME SLOW ZOMBIE DUDE FROM THE TVTROPES WRITTING A BLOG ABOUT MY STORY! I NO YOU ARE BLIND DUDE WHICH IS A BUMMER BUT THAT’S STILL AWESOM! NOT LIKE NOT TEXTING ME BACK. YOU NO WHO YOU ARE. AND THAT PERSON WHO YOU ARE IS CHRISTIE. Oh hey, it's me, and the author yet again misses the point like he have spent his life practicing at not hitting. I'd say I can't believe anyone could be that stupid, but life has thaught me otherwise. Oh, and the Christie saga is ever ongoing. I could imagine this as a sort of My Sassy Girl story all by itself, except My Sassy Girl  unrelated plug is written by a guy who actually can write.

The story joins L & Light on a firing range where... they were shotting their rifles and their shotguns and their rockets and making out. Shotting their rockets you say? Is that an Unusual Euphemism, by any chance? Probably not, but it'd be fun if it was. Well, Watari interrupts with a bulletproof megaphone and the same highly frustrating faux-British he has maintained through the series. “YOU BUGGERING SODBURGERS!” Watari screamed through a bulletproof megafone. “WTF ARE YOU TRYING DO GET YOURSELFS KILLED TO BLOODY HELL?” The response? “Soz” L said and threw a flash and it exploded. Uhm, what's that sentence supposed to mean? I take it "soz" is some sort of chatspeak for "sorry," but the rest of it? It could just as well have been in Greek.

Well, let's not dwell on anything, shall we? The story then jumps to Sayu, who's practicing her handwriting, for some reason. I guess it's the Death Note version of sparring, or something. Well, Misa apparently is in the room too, and the author seems to remember that the two are married. Funny how some things, like homosexual relationships or deaths, tends to be forgotten whenever it's convenient but other things, like moronic throwaway plots or lesbian marriages, sticks like old Multi-Grade Anti-Oil  * Well, Sayu then uses her Everything Note to get sex from Misa. So now mindcontrol is ok now? It might seem minor, given that the two are happily married and all, but it's... unnerving to say the least. I mean... there's being an asshole with your powers and then there's this. Also, let us not forget that in addition to the unfortunate implications, it's pretty much the laziest way to start up a sapphic sex scene I've ever seen.

Speaking of which, plot-halting  * sex-scene incomming. Let's pick this apart, shall we? Misa smilied and started to naked herself up. First she taked off her shoe. Then she got her hat and set it on fire like a candle to sexy up the mood. Burning hat, sexy. Then she got off her dress which was like that dress the lady wears in Residant Evil but with no guns and underneath she was wearing a Lady Gagga shirt and a boxers she borrowed from Light. And of course, the few times this guy actually describes anything, it's clothes. He's roughly 1.21 miles of fishnets away from Ms. Gilespie She taked them off and then her other shoe and now she was naked. S Ayu then taked off her spy suit and it was no underwear below cos she was a spy like in james bond and needed to sex a lot. Uhm, Sayu is a spy? Since when? Also, it's nice to see that Sayu combines the fanservice-heavy Totally Spies!-style Spy Catsuit with the rabidly uncharming manwhore (Well, sans the man in this case) tendencies of our friend James. They got on the red silky bed in the firing range and began to make out a lot. You'd think a bed in a firing range would be rather... well, not only against any and all safety regulations, but probably also highly counterproductive to the survival of whoever decided to use it. then they made out some more and then they decided to sex it up. They were sexing a lot and it was very hot and sexy because they were both nakes and they were kssing there girly bits and whatnot. Again, I can't put into words just how un-exciting this is. Honestly, this is about as arousing as watching grass grow. It's not unappetizing, it's just... really painfully bland, like noodles cooked with way too little seasoining, if you pardon the simile.

Well, Soichiro feels left out amidst all this love. The reason he feels left out, you might ask? Is it because of any sort of erectile dysfunction? A marriage gradually loosing it's passion, descending into sexless enthropy? The author not feeling like writing old people-porn? Precisely. The author could just... you know, not mention anything about it and let us, the audience, assume that the guy has a more or less normal sex life. But no, the mere potential for old people sexing are apparently too much. It's especially jarring because the author points out that Soichiro is fully capable of having sex, but will not, despite his apparent desire to. It'd be nice to be able to pretend that the characters had any semblance of free will, rather than being bizzaro versions of their canon self, excisting merely to flesh out the author's insane wish fullfillment fantasies. Well, it's his story. It's stupid, but it's his story. No time to dwell on this, though, as Watari's "Life Note Usage radar" gets a reading. Hoh yes, they now know that Yotsuba have used a Life Note to revive someone.

What to do with this though? The crew loads up in a huge helicopter and heads towards Yotsubas place. Before they can get therem though, someone starts shooting rockets at them, which they dodge... in the huge helicopter. Great. But how about the colleteral damage? it still hit another tower but it was okay because noone was in the tower except for that leloosh guy (MORE LIKE LELOSER AM I RIGHT!?!?!) an d everyone hates him so its cool except he has a giant robot and also ive never seen it. Uhm... what now? I'm not sure who he's putting his hate on at this moment, but I'm sure he must deserve to be crucified on a cross of fire. Through an action scene only marginally more interesting than the entropy treatment that is this fic's sex scenes, the crew enters Yotsubas kitchen and... broke his braedmaker to show they were serious. I'm debating if there's a joke in there somewhere, probably not since there's no (GET IT!) anywhere to be seen.

So, the intrepid group shoves our old friend Ckira to work as a human shield, and that's a good thing, because a billion bullets splatted him but he was wearing a suit of armor borrowed from TSIOFEAJ and he was sage for the time being. Uhm, ok, just to recap: An old man in an armor he got from William Shakepeare's time-traveling Death God buddy just survived a billion bullets. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to operation Mind Fuck. What follows isn't much weaker in the mind screw department. Apparently Yotsuba and Sayu each attempt Life Note-assisted Human Wave Attack tactics, as they reanimate their rapidly gunned down comrades. To be frank, if you played that for the horror it must be to be killed and reanimated in one big chaotic clusterfuck, bullets flying everywhere, people you know dying all around you, and suddenly you're alive, only to kill another few people before being ripped apart in horrible bullet-y murder, it could be an effective scene, if not one brought about by the worst use of tactics since "Oh, hey, let's invade Russia in winter/just before winter" yes, both of them. Needless to say, the fic doesn't really take that approach.

Eventually though, Yotsuba runs out of printer paper for his Life Note and bullets for his gun, and Light (I think) choses to interrogate him like so. Cluster F-Bomb incomming. “YOU F-CKING F-CKED UP F-CKER WHO F-CKS F-CKS TELL ME WHERE THE F-CKING LIFE NOTE IS AND DON’T LIFE NOTE THAT F-CKING F-CK NIGHT YAGAMI BAK TO F-CKING LIVE OR ILL BREAK YOUR OTHER F-CKING BREADMAKER!” Who has two breadmakers? Seriously, there's liking bread, there's liking bread too much ,and then there's this, also on a similarily serious note: Dude, just spell out Fuck, you self-censoring [DATA EXPUNGED]. It turns out this is all one big misunderstanding, though, as Yotsuba only wanted to reanimate his dog, Might Yagami. That's... pretty fucking thin, I must admit. I guess the Life Note works even if you don't have the target's face in mind, despite sharing the other restriction with the Death Note. Either that, or the fic writer is what we in the medical profession would call Off His Fucking Rocker. Because Yotsuba didn't mean it, Light appologizes and buys a new breadmaker.

So, this entire cascade of violence, unneccesary action and probably psychologic trauma for all involved was entirely pointless. Or rather, not entirely. That’s not ture. i just found this map night left behind” L said cos he was an awesome detective dude. It was a napkin with a picture of a house writted on it in lipstick and there was a car outside. “I know that car!” soichrio bellowed like a freight train full of amps being driven by a screaming dude with a megafone on the wawy to a rock concert in a really noisy place. “It’s……. MINE!” Uhm, that's one pretty contrived plot element you've got there. Either that or Night is one hell of an artist with the lipstick. Well, the author takes us home yet again with this: THIS IS TOO EPIC FOR ME TO WRITE MORE OF NOW AND I NEED TO SLEEP AND ALSO I NEED TO PLAN THE EPIC FINALE OR MAYBE NOT BUT PROBABLY ACTUALLY THIS TIME ALTHOUGH I DUNNO COS PEOPLE SEEM TO LICK IT Ok... learn from the mistakes of others man. Why did A nightmare on Elm Street start sucking? Because the series never would just end while it was on top, that and alienating the original writer/director, but that's besides the point. Honestly, I'd be pretty happy if the series ended without yet another round of plot life-support, sure, it still wouldn't be good, heck, even if it stopped the FIRST time Dark died, it probably would still suck harder than most other stories I've ever experienced, but at least it wouldn't be a category all on its own.
10th Dec '10 8:10:52 AM flag for mods
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