Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Now with special guest liveblogger

Editor's note: Slowzombie was unavailable for liveblogging this chapter, he was last seen trying to ride a glacier to safety, screaming incoherently about waffles. Measures to retrive him have been dispatched. After some debate, we decided to let another litterary critic with a similar emotional capacity take this chapter for him: Dalek Jeff, author of such critique masterpieces as "YOUR MOVIE IS OF IN-FE-RI-OR QUALITY, AND YOU MUST BE EX-TER-MI-NATED"(sic) and "Where we are: Post-modernism in cinema" As a closing note, there is no editor, any and all readers are encouraged to ignore this foreword and other mention of the editor, for their own safety and comfort.

Greetings, blogreaders, I am Dalek Jeff. As you are doubtlessly aware of by now, I do not possess the stereotypical Dalek diction. This, I'm afraid, is a side-effect of my daytime job, but I think we can all agree it is better this way. After all, intimidating as it might be, hearing a Dalek drone on with standard vocabulary wouldn't be easy on the ears. Let's get on with the story, shall we? Before we get that far, though, the author's notes displays rather, shall one say, lacking mental capabilities as it seems to be confused about my predecessor, Slowzombie's ability to see. Contrary to what's written here, his sight is not impaired. The author also broadcasts a rather poor attempt at invoking guilt in a human called Christie. I assume neither her nor her relationship to her buffoon of a suitor has anything to do with the story, so we move on.

The story begins proper with L and Light, who polish their combat abilities at a primitive human combat training facility, where they, in the words of the author: "were shotting their rifles and their shotguns and their rockets and making out." These activities does not go together. Any human firing range made to test the primitive explosive projectiles known as rockets would be unfit for testing ones accuracy with the primitive ballistics weapon known as the rifle, and combining any firing range activities with displays of affection is a fairly effective way of self-EXTERMINATION. Before the already passionate encounter can get any further, they are interrupted by Watari, who points out the unneccesary risk of fatal accidents in situations like the two have put themselves in. L responds by throwing a primitive nonlethal explosive. In any Dalek army worth it's plating, such behavior would lead to EX-TER-MI-NAT-I-ON  *

Without the above mentioned scene progressing the plot in any way, we move on to another set of young lovers, Misa and Sayu. What follows is a poorly written sex scene that is irrelevant to the story overall and is uninteresting to a Dalek in general. OMIT, I WILL OMIT.

The first thing resembling a plot appears at around this point. The voice of very odd-sounding reason discovers that the human called Yotsuba has employed a device for RE-AN-I-MAT-I-ON to bring the human called Night back to life. Any connection to The Oncoming Storm is... hopefully coincidental. His discovery leads to a combat squadron of ill-defined size being formed and loaded into a primitive human aerial troop transport. En route to the target, the helicopter encounters resistance in the form of a primitive explosive projectiles. In the tried and true tradition of poor fiction, the troop transport dodges the projectile without any detail as to how this complicated maneuver was executed.

Our nearly universally unlikable heroes infiltrate Yotsuba's hideout, employing human shield tactics with the grand total of one human, the talentless villain that goes by the name Ckira. Despite the attackers using weapons capable of dispensing billions of bullets, the elderly frail human is not in danger thanks to an armor given to him by his supernatural companion. The logic on display in this particular plot element is shoddy, even by the overall standard of this story. A human would not survive such an onslaught of lead-based projectiles, even with Dalek armor plating. The humans dive into the fray, employing human wave tactics, assisted by Sayu's re-animation device, the target Yotsuba employing the same tactic in response. The tactic, although it displays copious amounts of humans getting murdered, is clearly flawed.

It is a commonly accepted fact that when the same flawed tactic is used by both sides, one side will inevitably lose. In this case, Yotsubas resources run out before Sayu's, and he is summarily captured and interrogated by Light. At this point, it occurs to me that the titular character is not present in this chapter, but I am inclined to let this pass without further comment, as Dark is not a character one enjoys reading about. It turns out that the reanimation of Night Yagami was a large misunderstanding, and that Yotsuba wanted nothing but reanimating his deceased canine companion, whose name is suspiciously similar to Night's. ... NO. DOES NOT MAKE SENSE, PLOT ELEMENT IS IN-SUF-FI-CIENT, NARRATIVE INTEGRITY FAILING. SECONDARY ORDER: LITTERARY CRITICISM DE-AC-TI-VAT-ED, REVERT TO PRIMARY DA-LEK DIRECTIVE. EX-TER-MI-NATE, EX-TER-MI-NATE. EX-TER-MI-NA-TION IS INSUFFICIENT, MENTAL CAPABILITIES FAILING, ACTIVATE EX-PER-I-MEN-TAL TIME RESET DEVICE.  *