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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Christmas special, yay
Ok, time to rock this joint, Dark Yagami style. This chapter is called "Twas the night before DEATHMAS" Oh boy, a Christmas episode, I sure hope Dark finds the Naughty Or Nice Note, or something similarly asinine. This is Sincerity Mode at work folks, I've come to the realization that if the fic doesn't do moronic things every other sentence, I've got nothing to write about. Enough about that. In the Author's notes, we see that another insidious trend in bad fanfiction emerge. CHRISTIE I NO U READ THIS SO WHY YOU BLCOKED ME ON MSN? SORRY FOR THE MEAN THINGS AND ALSO WANT TO SEE 2012? ALSO THIS IS A SPECIAL THING I WRITE FOR XMAS! Yes indeed people, the author has begun using the fic as his secondary mean of communication, this is really bringing back those My Immortal flashbacks. Let's not dwell on that though, the story, or the flaming pile of wreckage that once was supposed to resemble a story, beckons.

Dark needed a haircut so he got one. Show, don't Tell, author. Of course, giving this guy writing advice feels like pouring water on a duck in a raincoat, but it must be said. So, Dark encounters Near... Who is alive again without any mentionable explanation, and yet again doing the chimney sweep thing. Splendid. So, Dark, being the paragon of human understanding and sympathy punches him. Well, he's consistently an asshole, for what it's worth. Anyway, Dark adds yet another moronic Death Note variation to his repertoire when he finds a Sick Note. What does he do with this? Crank up the asshole level, of course. He opened it up and writ Near in it to teach that f-cker a lesson and then Near was near dead Jeez, I almost feel sorry for Near. Not even the unfortunate uke in a Hurt/Comfort Fic written by Pinhead gets more shit than this guy. And teach near a lesson? What did he do? I don't even think I want to know what sort of transgression Dark is referring to, considering he made the man that tried to put him in The Chair king of Japan or somesuch. Oh, and just to top it off, it ends with a Near/near joke. What does the author have to say for himself? (GET IT? BUT ITS NOT A JOKE THIS IS VERY SERIOUS COS HE COULD DIE AND THAT’S NOT FUNNY EVEN THOUGH ITS NEAR so I guess it is funny after all) Ok, I get it author, Near is the Butt Monkey of this tale, but this flipping between "hurr hurr, he fell down" and "Oh my god, he and his puppies are going to die" starts reminding me of a couple of interesting conditions from my Psychology books, but enough about that. Near gets himself a crutch, in tried and true Little Timmy-style. I can see where this is going, and I don't like what I see.

In the police station, we rejoin our friend Shuichi, who wants to make a snow kira, and... light it on fire. Ehm... ok, it's not the best plan in the world, but in this batshit insane 'verse, it'd probably work. He won't get the chance, though, as Soichiro... you know what, let's just let the guy say it himself. TOO BAD I AM NOW EVIL BECAUSE WE NEED TO MAKE MONEY FOR THE COLD XMAS PERIOD LIKE GOOD COPS AND NOT THE KIND OF COPS THAT DON’T GET THEIR KIDS PRESENTS FOR XMAS EVEN WHEN THEY ONLY ASK FOR SOMETHING SMALL LIKE GUITAR HERO BECAUSE THOSE KINDS OF PARENTS ARE JERKS.” Ok, this story now has a surplus of Scrooges, plus of course that I'm marking that down as the worst Motive Rant ever. Anyway, that night at Casa De Yagami, Soichiro says goodnight to Light's mom, and yes, he calls her "Lights mom," a fact I can only attribute to the author's stubborn idiocity. In the night, he is confronted with the ghost of Matsuda. When he died, I have no idea, but apparently L wrote his name twice in the Ghost Note, so there's two ghost Matsudas now. Right. I'm a bit curious as to how that's supposed to make sense, but ok, let's just agree on that it doesn't. Then he sang a song like from the moive (it’s the Christmas carol film in case u dint work it out yet!). Well, that's helpful, thank you writer, could you stop ripping of things every single show in the universe  * have already ripped off? No? I figured as much. Odds are you probably know what's going down next, but let's just see how bad it gets. The Ghost of Christmas Past, or the ghost of Xmas Passed as the fic itself puts it, in this case is Matt.

Ghost!Matt takes Soichiro back to his childhood, which apparently was in the time before showers were invited, how old is Soichiro supposed to be anyway? Well, Light's mom, despite not being Light's mom yet is indeed called only Light's mom. You know what, dear readers? I should've done this joke before, but here it goes. *ahem*
Light's mom has got it goin' on

She's all I want and I've waited for so long

Light, can't you see you're just not the dude for me

I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Light's mom
Before I progress, I feel I must mention that I'm sorry, I am SO sorry, this goes for my dear readers and the gentlemen of Fountains Of Wayne fame alike. But enough about that. That's about all that happens in this little flashback though, as Soichiro seems to remember how he and Light's mom hooked up through a mutual interest for Shakespeare fanfiction, and this makes him sad... despite still being, one assumes, happily married with Mrs. Yagami. Maybe he mourns the fact that his picking up the Villain Ball doesn't convince anyone of anything save the Fic-writer's baffling incompetence, but this is nothing but speculation on my part.

So, next up on the agenda is, of course, the Ghost of Christmas Present, except the author seems to confuse "Present" with "presents" because all Ghost!Mello does is spit chocolate at Soichiro and chew him out for not buying Guitar Hero for Dark this Christmas. Granted, Present always seemed like a bit of a hedonist to me, but at least he was the good kind, an Anthropomorphic Personification of the good things of the Yuletide, not the avatar of the whiny little brats that make Christmas insufferable together with grumpy fundamentalists and Wham's "Last Christmas." Also, the author keeps coming back to Guitar Hero. I'm guessing it's a sort of a Real Life Writes the Plot situation at work here. Well, enough of him, time to see what the author does with the last and most traumatizing of the three ghosts. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. I'm positively giddy with excitement.

Ray Penber fills the role of said ghosts, and the future he takes Soichiro to is grim indeed. He ran there and saw massive fireball that was black and full of bats. The ground was cracking and breaking and some bits were lava now. Explosions came everywhere and a tower that was a mile high exploded and glass went everywhere and knocked down more towers. And in the middle of the fire like a tornado or hurricane or the swirly thing when you get out the bath was………. NIGHT YAGAMI Yeeeees, you see Night is alive again for some reason, and now singing the song that ends the world. Exactly how that's supposed to work, or why the author didn't just drop that particular throwaway plotline like a sack of angry badgers, I don't know, but hey, she's back. Also, I feel the author is yet again missing the point of the story like only a trained professional can. I mean... unless the author can cook up a real good way Soichiro can prevent all this silliness right fast, this entire flashforward has been in vain and not really keeping with the whole point of the original Christmas Carol.

Well, Soichiro gets sent back to his own time and decides that he has to save the world, but not before displaying some random acts of kindness to fit with the original story. No need to make the character development make sense or anything, just follow the format and pray you didn't completely miss the point. That's how it's done. Anyway, Soichiro gathers a team consisting of L, Light, Dark, Soichiro, Sayu, Near, Mello’s ghost, Naomi and Watari and Blud to prevent Night from ending the world. Blud, apparently, can't be seen by others than Dark, I think, but this has never been brought up before, and I strongly doubt it'll be brought up ever again. They come to the conclusion that they have to kill Night, but can't, since she's already dead. Well great, now how are we going to get out of THIS fine mess? Well, fear not, brave readers, because Yotsuba is up to his old tricks again, and what does he do? He makes a Life Note... in paint. Ok, if it's that fucking easy, then how come anyone stay dead in this godforsaken verse? I mean... there's an upper limit of just how complex a task can be when you can do it in fucking PAINT.

What does the author have to say in his defense? TRICKED YOU! NIGHT ISNT DEAD AT ALL! I FOOLED YOU AL! PLEAASE TEXT BACK CHRISTIE You... suck. I mean, come on man. I know no-one of importance ever stays dead in this sad excuse for a story, but consider this, the moment anyone knows Night is alive, Dark can just Anti Life Note her to death. I'm no fan of the concept, but I'd prefer if it'd go that way. Why? Because this plotline is, in record time, nominated for the "stupidest plotline thus far" award. Also, I hate to say it, but the author's starting to sound a bit stalkerish, but that could just be because he uses his story to try to communicate with a person who doesn't want to talk to him... Oh Wait.
10th Dec '10 8:06:14 AM flag for mods
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