Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


You killed Dark, you... surprisingly agreeable chap

Ok, ladies and gentlemen, I try to understand yet another chapter of the Dark Yagami saga, although I can not grasp the true form of this fic's incomprehensibility. Yes, I know, it's unfortunate, but let's just go for it. This chapter is called "CKIRA gets away then doesnt!" Well, what do you know, the chapter title just made it pointless to read the chapter. I can call it a day. Ckira, the worst villain in history, gets away, but then he doesn't. If I didn't know better, I'd say that was a bit of a given.

Well, I'm going to read it anyway. Why? Because I'm insane and hate my brain, of course. No authors notes, this time, so let's get right into it. It was a sunny day in light’s city and the heat was on ckira and the cops were near (but not NEAR cos hes dead remember! LOL!). Why bother with Near being dead, considering he's been back from the dead more times than a whole soap opera cast, some of the times from stated permanent, irrevocable death. Well, let's not bother with that. Apparently, the snow is melting now, and a sandstorm was blowin in from the dessert. Wait, I thought this was supposed to be New York. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty certain that's yet another geography fail. Ckira looked at his watch which was on his arm where he left it every day. Wow, yet another sentence that goes nowhere and tells us nothing we would not assume anyway. I should start a drinking game, or yet another counter.

Oh, but our hap- and hopeless villain is about to get some assistance. Oh yes, a shinigami appeared. He was not like the other shinigami because he wore a clothes like a spaceman to breath safe in the shinigami world which was full of clouds and poison. Uhm... so why don't the other shinigami need such a getup? Except that they pretty much can't die, that is. Oh, and the name of this creature? TIOSEAFJ. And the rationale behind this unpronouncable abomination? I just hit the keyboard but it sounded cool so kept it!' By the elder gods, man, I hate making names for my characters, but that is just not an acceptable procedure, and how the hell can it sound good, how are you even going to pronounce it. Fuck no, I'm not remembering that name, the shinigami is now renamed Fred. It's not a good shinigami name, but it's better than Lord Unpronouncable Mashup of Letters here.

So, what does this Fred character have to say? “WHO THE F-CKETH ART THOU?" Oh great, Fred speaks with Voldemort-esque Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe. I should also start up a "things no-one should ever do in a story, but this fic does anyway"-count, but I'm afraid I'd break the machine that goes DING. Oh, but I hope you're holding on to your hats, dear readers, because a revelation is a'coming. He took of his spacesuit heltmet and It was actually a girl inside and it wasn’t a spacesuit but a timesuit for flying in time. Oh great, more time-travel insanity, I just can't wait to sort out the implications this time. Oh, and Fred is a girl. I'm glad I chose an androgynous name.

Oh well, Ckira's introduction is coming up, and instead of giving us any sort of information about the character, Ckira says that he's Ckira, and that he's old and kill dudes. Cthulhu have mercy, man. I mean, I know this guy is supposed to be Dark's enemy, and by that virtue alone worse than a Hitler/Stalin clone who sustains himself by eating puppies, but come on, give us SOME reason to care about what this old geezer does. Oh, and just to continue the madness, Ckira gets out his throwing knife like moden warfare and throwing it at a cop car nearby which exploded. “I am on the run from the law because I am secretly a kira. Who are you?” *ding, ding* Come on, considering he just a few lines earlier screamed that the fuzz would kill him if they found him with his death note, which he, also, waved around, in the proximity of a cop car? Why isn't this idiot caught yet? Why do I have to endure this asinine attempt at a story? Yeah, I know, because I'm a little bit insane. Oh, and he throws a knife at a car, causing it to explode, it's like an awesome parody of American action movies, except it sucks long, hard, non-Euclidean... ehm... tentacles.

Well, it turns out Fred is Shakespeare's shinigami, and that old Will himself art the guy whom really killedeth Romeo and Julyt! Technically, this is true, since Shakespeare wrote the play and thus orchestrated the unfortunate end to the adventures of the two idiots, but you're not here to hear me rant about what I think about Romeo & Juliet, so I'm moving on. The author, on the other hand, seems to be under the woefully wrong impression that we indeed are there to hear about what he thinks about the play. (OMG SUCH A BORING STORY WE HAVE TO READ IT IN ENGLISH CLAASS RIGHT NOW AND SO BORING. THE MOVIE BORING TOO BUT NAKED JULYT IS THERE AND SOME DUDES GET STABBED!) ... ok, that was important for the story. Well, onwards, ever onwards we go.

Turns out Shakespeare sent his shinigami forwards in time to find and help Ckira... I've read that bit three times now, and I can't wrap my head around it. How did Shakespeare know about Ckira? Why would he want to help him? How did he send his shinigami back in time? Why does he even have a shinigami and, I assume, a death note? Of all the highly moronic plot devices one could possibly use, why use this one? Is this even supposed to make sense? Well, Ckira and his new friend Fred, tries to flee the country, but Ckira forgets his death note *ding* and when they go to retrieve it, L is waiting for them. So, no-one could find this clown when he ran around screaming about his death note, making shit explode and doing pretty much everything but confessing, but when he goes back to get his death note, they're there waiting for him. I'd blame this on the idiot ball playpen that is this fic's verse, except it's not consistent in the least.

Just in case anyone managed to get even more confused by the fact that L apparently is alive and calling Ckira "bro," the author helpfully chimes in with this.ckiras not his real bro and besides its dark not L really and darks bro is light who isn’t in this chapter yet but will be if I remember which I wont because I usually forget and sometimes remember. That certainly helped clear things up, don't you think? Well, enough about that. L!Dark says that they aren't the cops. Were like the eviler cops who work for a hotel for some reason.” Eviler cops? There should be some sort of rule, methinks. Anyone trying to write fanfic for a work they do not have a certain measure of understanding of will be dragged out in the street and slapped with an oversized cod. Oh well, I can dream, can't I?

“Ok you f-cking f-cker who is not a nice dude” said the mystery dude with two shotguns and no moustache because he sahved it off as a disguise. “You killed my son dark and now you must die!” Yeah, the mystery of this characters identity was maintained... what, four words, or untill the end of the sentence, if you're thick. Great. Well, it turns out that Soichiro shoots L!Dark, and his mask falls off. Wait, when did he wear a mask? What sort of mask was it? When were we told any of this.

At any rate, at this point, Soichiro realizes his mistake, and we get a quite touching scene where Dark breaks down in the face of his own death and actually acts like a character for once... hehe, or that's what we would get if we read a story that wasn't one big steaming pile of fail. Instead, we get this insane, rambling recap that we strictly speaking did not need. soichiro screamed like a sad dude as he looked at his son who he just shot thinking it was another dude when actually it wasn’t and it was his own son who was killed by the dude he was pretending to be and soichiro had shot him thinking he was that dude when in fact he wasn’t that dude at all and it was all a case of mistaked dentistry by soichiro and also watari played a part because he was evil and twisty and british and all that jazz. Talking about milking the (nonexistant) drama, huh? Soichiro has the following to say: “I HAVE KILLED MY ONE TRUE SON! NOW WHO WILL I TAKE TO SOCCER PRACTISE?” Uhm... Mr. Yagami, how about your other son... you know, Light? Of course, Light is pretty much just a part of the furniture at this point, evident by the fact that the author forgets him more often than not. Dark, following the same path of Marty Stu perfection, does not blame his father and, one assumes, dies.

Well, that's awfully sad and all, but the author is so kind as to deliver a double treat. In addition to killing the frequently insufferable protagonist for the third or fourth time, Ckira is also dealt with. Ckira got forgotten about and he wont turn up agen in this chatper cos hes not as impotent as dark and also hes old and jailed now. Sure, this renders the last few chapters completely and utterly pointless, but we're finally rid of the most incompetent villain ever. Good riddance. Oh, and Dark is more impotent than an old dude? I wouldn't have thought that about Dark, especially considering his earlier exploits.

Dark's funeral comes about, and the whole world apparently mourns this unlikable twat's third or fourth shuffling the mortal coil. Besides, didn't he become the Shinigami king again a few chapters back? I know I'm asking a lot of this fic to make sense, but this entire "Dark becoming the shinigami king again"-plot being one big Big-Lipped Alligator Moment? That's just bad. Anyway, Shakespeare have traveled through time to hold a speech at Dark's funeral. Why and how, I don't know, but the author insists that it makes sense. FOR MORE INFO ON HOW TIM TRAVEL WORKS IN THE DARK YAGAMI UNVERSE, CHECK OUT “THE GOD OF TIME WITH NO NAME” OR THAT CHAPTER WHERE MATT DIES I DON’T REMEMBER WHICH IT WAS AND I DON’T WANNA LOOK IT NOW COS IT NOT IMPOTENT. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. Do you know why? Because no amount of explanation and Timey-Wimey Ball can make any of this time travel nonsense make sense, also, I'm having an hard enough time with this madness.

The author states that Shakespeare's speech is much better than those in Romeo and Juliet, but instead of letting us take his word for it, he quotes this speech in its entirity. That's pretty goddamn arrogant, if I may say so. Sure, I don't really like Romeo and Juliet, but it doesn't change the fact that Shakespeare is one of the greater wordsmiths in European history, and I will eat my own liver (with flava beans and a nice Cianti, of course) if this gormless pissant comes even close to Shakespeare's level. His attempt to out-bard The Bard goes like so.

“And for soothe dark art the besteth dude

Even though he art sometimes rude

He hadeth a pet fish called rexing

And really loveth the sexing

He hadeth all the looks and smarts

He will liveth fore ever in our harts

Except he art dead so he wont”

Yeah, I'm not eating liver today, as much is painfully clear. Even if this was proper English, a fifth-grader could write a better poem than this, and as far as eulogies go, it's pretty bad. It's actually so bad that if anyone read something like that in my funeral, the sheer rage would reanimate me as an unhallowed avatar of pissed-off writers everywhere. Of course, the fact that the author hasn't been mauled by zombie Shakespeare yet puts a dent in that theory. Maybe he's still busy with Stephenie Meyer

Oh, but that's not the end of it. It could be, but so could Dark's other deaths, so I'm not the least bit surprised when Naomi pulls a Life Note and revives Dark. Light is overjoyed, and the author seems similarly ecstatic that he remembered to put in Light in this chapter. Dark states that there's still work to do, and that includes: “FIRST… WE NEED TO FIND CKIRA” Dear sweet Cthulhu on a stick, no. Why include that sad excuse for a character again? Stick to your guns man, forget that pointless waste of digital space.

Oh well, tune in next time, where, I assume, the author will exhume Oscar Wilde's corpse and skullfuck what little's left. Either that, or more Marty Stu wankery is coming our way. I can't decide what's the worse option.