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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
A new (ridiculous) villain
Right. Our friend, the author, is cranking up the update schedule, so I guess I will too. This chapter is called "ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY WOOOO 0!" I'd keep the celebration in the author's notes, but eh. Speaking of which: Summer vaccination is over now ;_; apparently there’s a dude called ckira who is a kira but old or something? LETS LEARN HIS STORY! OMG THIS FIC IS ONE YEAR OLD AND FAMOUS WHICH MAKES IT LIKE A PROPER STORY. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES WHOS THE MAN ME!

"apparently there's a dude called ckira" Ehm... what? Is that supposed to be a canon character? Or is there yet another insane OC to make this mess even more of... well, a mess? I'm guessing for the second one, but your guess is as good as mine, dear reader. Anyway. Our story begins with this ckira, just how you pronounce his name is beyond me, waking up and going through his morning routine. A part of this is to have a shave cos he was old and had a beard except he shaved it. Wow, that sentence went nowhere boldly. He looked at the poster on his wall which was a girl and naked except for a underwear and sexy and then said “I need to kill some dudes today” and taked out his death note. His newspaper wasn’t working so he dint know who the evil dudes were! Again with the non-nude nudes, well, at least the except makes it... somewhat better. Also, non-functioning newspaper? Yeah, I've had that problem too, phoning the newspaper repairman is such a pain.

So, with a busted newspaper, what is this elderly Death Note killer to do? He gets dressed up for winter and goes to ask someone for people to kill. On the way there, he kills a guy in his car, and apparently he kills him so hard that both the guy and the car explodes. How he knew the guy's face and name? At this point, do you think even the author cares all that much? Anyway Ckira is getting jittery, so he moves on. Oh, but he misses the bus. Will this day of tribulation ever end? No worries though, because he... uses his death note to make another buss come his way, dooming one unlucky and, one assumes, innocent buss driver to death for his own convenience. Wow, I'm starting to hate this guy already, and yet again, it's not in the "your perfect villainy makes me hate you"-way either. Oh, and just for a little more nonsense: Next to him was the girl from the bus and she was a spy for L but noone knew it not even L. The girl from the bus? Would it kill you to give her a name? A spy not even her employer don't know about? Now that's just silly, not FLCL silly, just silly.

Well, the two talk, and Ckira accidentally lets it slip that he kills people with a death note. Honestly, this guy sucks, just plain sucks. It's a wonder the local police haven't picked him up and chucked him in the loony bin already, he's about as subtle as a two-by-four. If he's supposed to be a villain, he's not a very convincing one, but if he's supposed to be a hero-esque thing... well, he's one Moral Event Horizon down already. Anyway, the girl from the bus calls L with her "Magical phone" and lays down her evidence, including Ckira having a death note and dancing around the burnt-out wreck of a car of a Death Note victim. L's reaction: “It could be a coinsidense.” L said back munching on pixy sticks. “these things happen all the time.” Was this guy the smartest guy in America or not? It's fairly obvious. Not that it matters much, Ckira gets off the buss, and it explodes due to the Death Note useage. Does this guy own an Explosion Note, or what?

Oh, and Ckira kills a dude for his hat... why haven't this guy been caught already? Well, eventually he finds the shop that the cops ran... right. Our nameless friend from chapter four, the Desk Lady, greets him inside. Or rather, the author think it might be her, in his own words I think I don’t remember lol! Moving on before the sheer moronity sinks in, Ckira asks to get the names of some "evil dudes," and the "Ckira should be caught this many times" count goes *ding*. After some discussion, he gets a list of people who are evil. Whaddya know, the police files sort by alignment, how convenient.

And then... just read it: He pulled out his death note but put his finger over the word death so noone would know. He writ a dudes name down and he died in the jail in front of them. *ding* Somehow, the desk lady reacts to this, and so does... a cop with an afro, I'm guessing Shuichi. Either they are telepathic, or the police station in question have one of the most laughably counterintuitive layout I've ever seen. How does Ckira get out of this one, you might ask: That had nothing to do with me” said ckira and they believed him because he was a good liar and he threated to death note them if they dint. *ding, ding, motherfucking DING*. So, he says he didn't do it, suspicious all by itself, and then divulges the information that confirms that he is one of the few people who has the means to do it... I fail to imagine the lawyer who could get him out of a case like this with a "Not Guilty"-verdict . Except Manfred Von Karma, that is.

Well, they apparently let him go without further questioning, proving once again that everyone in the Dark Yagami 'verse is infected with a terminal case of The Stupid. We then cut to our intrepid heroine, the desk lady, who is minding her own business while walking home until a girl on fire jumped out and scarred her! Yeah, that's splendid. Turns out it's the girl from the buss, who apparently have been burning for quite a while. That doesn't stop her from... getting naked? I dunno, I'll just accept it and move on. The two talk and now, we might finally find out what their names are. I'm positively giddy with excitement. “I am the girl from the bus!” Yeah, no, let's just forget it, let's move on.

“I know that ckira dude is kira” the girl from the bus screamed as they started to sex. Ehm, ok, that made sense. Also, *ding*. So, while in the middle of the sweet throes of sex, the two discuss the fact that L doesn't seem to believe the girl from the buss, despite her having more than enough evidence. And what follows sounds more like a lolcat caption of some sort. “L has dead!” desk lady screamed as they stopped to sex. “Then who did I phone?????” It could be worse, she could have gone "THEN WHO WAS PHONE," except that would be... kind of funny.

An evil dude was holding a phone. He was lissening to desk lady and the girl from the bus sexing and was real happy for them and let them finish (GET IT????) Nothing... to... get! The evil dude's identity is shortly revealed, though, as he speaks in the most obnoxiously over-British manner you could possibly imagine. Gee, I wonder who this could be. Well, what follows is... well, the author confusing himself with his main character yet again. It's sort of a mess, but basically, it states that the "mystery dude," who proclaims himself the new L, (gee, I wonder who that might be) doesn't like British stuff, except for shandy, a British drink I've never heard of, but the author drones on about it for a good while longer than he uses to describe his actual characters. Splendid.

Well, our friend, the "mystery dude" goes to our previously mentioned nameless characters and has a threesome. Needless to say, he's so much better at it than the previous L, which is a bit of a Dude-ur-so-retarted-moment, since we all know the mere touch of Dark's humongous wang can cure any disease known by man, too bad he's too heterosexual to use it on the sick men in the world. One almost fears what actual sex with it involved could do. Well, surprise, surprise, our mysterious mega-stud turns out to be Dark. Beat still, my heart. And yes, it turns out Ckira is our villain, and for reasons I've already mentioned, I'm about as optimistic for this one as I'm for Uwe Boll's next project. I mean... come on, anyone with two brain cells to rub together would have caught this guy about 3.14 seconds after they started looking, he's about as threatening as an anemic kitten, no strike that, at least the kitten's got claws.

So Yeah... tune in next time for the thrilling continuation of this tale of suspense and wonder.
10th Dec '10 7:54:50 AM flag for mods
comments
Dude, C Kira is my favorite character! And yes, he does come from canon! [URL]http://deathnote.wikia.com/wiki/C-Kira[/URL]

Come on, you act as though he's Light 2.0, bearing in mind that nobody said C Kira had the same values as the other "...Note" users; so he wanted to kill both good and evil dudes, so what? It's not as though he was singing the song to end the world, and besides he's old and he could very well have dangerous Alzheimers to excuse his behavior :/.

And, he didn't admit that he used a (royal?) Death Note either, he just said he was going to see the police about a "note" (which is foreshadowing, as he covers up the word "death" later on, in a MAGNIFISENT BASTERD MOMENT!)... in fact, it makes you wonder why he had to cover his mouth and scream "I SAID NOTHHING" anyway... 'cuz I think he could have gotten away, you know, if the bus lady wasn't going to phone L/Dark no matter what he did.

I hold out the hope that D'ark will surprise us and have his suit of armor be tough enough to withstand all the nuclears in the world!

—Ter'u S'ukami (Get it?)
DoctorDiabolical 18th Feb 11
I think I'll maintain my evaluation of C-Kira, as I'm pretty sure Alzheimers doesn't work that way. That said, he is one of the only people I'm 100% sure is supposed to be a villain, and that's something... right?
slowzombie 19th Feb 11
'Shandy' is just beer diluted with lemonade.

155.140.133.248 4th May 11
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