Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami


Sure is a lot of seeing

I'm cranking up on the update frequency, mostly because I'm keen on finishing the chapters that are currently up before New Years, but also because I have a lot of free time nowadays, and also this is great writers block repellant.

Well, this chapter is called "Matsuda sees some stuff!" Gee, with such a fantastic fascinating title, I just don't know how I could not read this chapter. Oh well, the author notes: Matsuda is japanish and i aint mentioned him yet so here you GOOOOOOOOO! Oh, so Matsuda is all of a sudden Japanese? How do you suppose all of this could even work with the Death Note storyline? Of course, nothing else does, so I guess it's not worse than the rest. That's bad enough, though.

Anyway, our story begins in Tokyo, and the author helpfully chimes in with (its the big city of japan!) Ehm, yeah. Ok, fair enough, it is a big city in Japan, it's not wrong, it's just... yeah. Anyway, it turns out the whole of Japan is terrified because Dark's previous statement... just read it (he was accidentally TV at the time all over japan like lind taylor was the show) Ehm... ok, that'd be nice to mention when it actually happened, it'd also be nice if it happened to make any semblance of sense. Also, the grammar is starting to hurt, but at least I can understand what it's meant to say.

Well, Dark is now killing dudes. Not evil dudes, which I guess is slightly more morally ambiguous, and that's something. Well, Matsuda is not liking the situation: “OH NOO!” he giggled. “DARK IS GOOING TO KIIILLLLLL UUUUUSSSSS!” Wait, giggled? I'm getting a mental whiplash from trying to imagine how that's supposed to work. Of course, I can actually see a scene where a scared character giggling actually makes sense, but this isn't it. Well, his fears are justified, of course, since Dark teleports to Japan via Teleport Note, and apparently Matsuda sees this. So far, seeing is pretty much the only thing Matsuda has done, so I guess the chapter title is accurate.

What follows... ehm, I'm just not sure. Dead dudes where everywhere and dark had to kick them outta the way to get to the police bus thing so he could ram into the building without dying for some reason (AN: i didnt get that bit lol! Y did the dudes all die except soichiro? PLEASE TELL ME!) Ok... wait, stop, just... stop. So Dark copied Soichiro's strategy from the whole Second Kira situation, despite there being no actual reason for him to do so, even less a situation where it'd be necessary? Is Sayu!Shinigami out for blood, or did the author just feel like doing that stunt? I'm guessing we'll never know.

So, Dark crashes the buss into the wall. I'm guessing the wall of the police station, because it's the last location mentioned, but I fail to see why he did so, because immediately afterwards Dark goes to the "TV place," wow, this thing is steadily getting more incoherent. Dark goes to this place to broadcast a very important message. I will writ ‘EVERYONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT DRAK’ IN MY ROYAL DEATH NOTE UNLESS THE QUEEN OF THE SHINIGAMI CHALLENGE ME TO A DUAL!” So now he's threatening with omnicide and apparently gets his own name wrong. Classy.

Back in the Shinigami world, Sayu is now called Sa~Y'u. How in the world is that supposed to be pronounced? Is the ~ supposed to mean jazz hands or something? Well, Sayu Sa~y'u isn't going to let Dark have his way. “I WILL HAVE TO FIGHT HIM OR MY NAME ISNT SAYU YAGAMI WHICH ITS NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE NOW ITS sA~y’U ANIME AFTER I MARRED MISA IN MASACHEWSETS” Ok, what's with these "I will have to do X or my name isn't Y, except it isn't"-things. Is that supposed to be a joke? Am I supposed to feel amused? Well, I assure you I am not. Also, is the constant misspelling of Misa's last name supposed to be a result of Rouge Angles of Satin, or is there something more insidious at work here?

So, Sayu teleports herself to Tokyo, and Matsuda is yet again there to observe her doing so. Honestly, this could be cool if you saw it from Matsuda's viewpoint, or something like that, but come on, you're not doing anything with this Matsuda character, so why even include him? Well, Sayu gets naked for battle... You know what? I was going to continue with what actually happened, but a rant is forcing it's way out of my brainthingie, so I guess I got to ask: Why the flying fuck is Sayu getting naked for battle? What possible benefit can it have? except to allow the author to fantasize about naked Death Note characters, that is.

Oh, and if you were wondering, yes, Matsuda does see Sayu get naked. I'm sure glad the author found it in his heart to tell us this. Well, Dark jumps from the TV studio to ground level, but apparently he wrote his own name in the Life Note, so he survived. Hm, so the life note can also prevent death, hm, I'd be interested if I didn't hate the concept. Speaking of hating the concept, Dark delivers this gem: “TIME FOR THAT SHINIGAMI FIGHT I THOGHT WAS DUM EARLYER!” But... it's still stupid. If anything, the rapid decay of writing quality have made the idea stupider than it was back then. Oh, and it's also interesting how Dark, the Marty Stu nightmare, seems to refer to himself as if he was the author of this sorry mess. My suspicions are confirmed one by one.

So, the two fight. Sayu is loosing, but makes herself a better fighter with the Everything Note. Why she doesn't just make Dark's head explode with said Everything Note? I don't know. What I know, though, is that it takes two rounds of the aforementioned Everything Note buffing for her to be able to get the upper hand on Dark. How Dark became so awesome at whupping ass barehanded? Well, the same way he learned to kill ten people with one bullet, of course.

It seems that we find ourselves in a Kaiju-style battle, despite nothing actually implying Dark growing in size, because the collateral damage seems rather awe-inspiring. Matsudas car gets squashed, and for some reason, Sayu feels sorry for him. I'm hoping the fic's going somewhere with this. Well, it goes somewhere... I guess, as Matsuda gets a big police gun. He turned it to the biggest setting and a cop car jumped out and hit dark and explde. You know what, I'm not even going to contemplate what the Ry'leh that's supposed to mean, although I can see how it could make sense, somehow.

Anyway, Matsuda manages to... invoke the Chunky Salsa Rule on Dark with his "big police gun"? Well, you know what, that's actually good news. Ding dong the Dark is dead grin Sayu's reaction to this? “THANK YOU SAN MATSUDA (AN: japanish for saint matusda like francisco!) I WILL MAEK YOU MY WIF!” I'd comment on how Sayu, contrary to previous belief, is bisexual rather than lesbian, but that'd imply that I actually expected this fic to get even its own mangled characters straight.

It's worth it though, because Dark is... Sneaking away during all the confusion and steals the Everything Note. Ehm, so, did the author allow Dark to use the highly flawed and confusing prose of the fic to sneak away under? Are we approaching some meta-nightmare like House of Leaves? Except it sucks, and House of Leaves... well, doesn't. Anyway, Dark uses the Everything Note to become the Shinigami King again. Yay.

I'm contemplating just how much I need to rant about the story going in huge circles made out of fail, but it's rather pointless to highlight it any further. Blud materializes and notes that Dark has learned well. In fact, he has “LEARNED WELL LIKE A FOX WHO WENT TO SCHOL AND DID WELL AND THEN WENT TO COLLEGE” ... right. Just to make it better, Dark reacts like so, he did an awesome stand like fenicks right. Fenicks Right? Does he mean Phoenix Wright? Probably. Well, Blud tells him that Dark can't become king because Blud is. Of course, Dark won't have any of that, and Blud tells him that this means consequences. While ascending to heaven/wherever, Blud thanks L, who now states that he has to kill L.

The author takes us home with the following:REMEMBER GOD TOLD L TO KILL LIGHT. TURNS OUT...... HE WAS RIGHT. MORE NECKS TIME! I can just assure you that I can't wait.