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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Night and L do the Masochism Tango
This chapter is called "Good night Night ITS A PUN" Isn't it great that the author points out his own puns? I mean, how could we spot it otherwise? The author notes goes like so: Some guy told me that im on Tv Tropes now which is like a wikipedia but for tv or something!! THIS A FAMOUS STORY BUT I WONT LET IT GOT TO MY HEAD EVEN IF IM AWSEOM! Im not on tv but i guess death note is and thats why they licked it? Hey... hey... hey... hey... I'm not licking anything, and least of all, I'm licking this fic. Alas, no-one told this guy just WHY The Adventures of Dark Yagami is on TV Tropes, but ok. Oh, and the fic apparently "has some sexy in it" in this chapter, we just can't wait, now can we precious.

Well, the story starts with Night. Night was naked becos she was sexy and getting tatoos that death noted evil dudes and some evil chicks too. She was naked because she was sexy? Well, that's some particularly insane porn-logic there, but at least the guy is fairly honest about why he does nudity, not any of that "it's traditional elven wargarb"-stuff. I must remind you, it's still possible to get a tattoo without being naked, but hey, let's not get realism mixed up in the fanservice, now shall we.

Dark and L is outside, spying on her, and for some reason, L seems to be enjoying the fact that Night's naked, despite being as uninterested as one can get just last chapter, but I yet again can't quite find it in my heart to expect any continuity in this trainwreck. Dark and L are armed with japanish swords and guns and a nuclear that L had stealed from the japan army. Japan has nukes now? That doesn't sound right, the fact that L stole one them even less, but hey. Why do they even need all that? They're one death noting from cutting this chapter to 25% of its actual size. Of course, when did this fic ever did it simple and clean, or even simple and sane?

The two makes a "plane." I'm guessing they mean "plan," but I've been wrong before. Several times, actually. So, this plan apparently includes L ringing the doorbell and hitting on Night. Night was lal turned on becos she had never sexed with l but she had gay sexed (AN: back in chap 14 lol!) but he dint know and that was different taked away his jeans and not his shoes cos he don’t wear them. Again, I somehow see how all this makes some semblance of sense, but I wish I didn't. Also, he didn't take of his shoes because he didn't wear the shoes he didn't take off? It boggles the mind, it boggles.

Well, the two enter Night's house. Just the thought that Night has a house of any kind is a bit odd, since she was just... what, created rather recently? Well, Night concludes that L wants to have sex with her, and this shocks him. Wasn't it quite obvious from the beginning? Well, it's because Night can hear peoples thoughts, in case you forgot.

What chapter of the Dark Yagami Clusterfuck would be complete without a bad sex scene? I could just skip over quoting this whole mess, but that wouldn't be fun, now would it? L lolled and she put him on the bed and they started to sex. At first they only sexed a bit but then they sexed more becos Dark needed to brake in and L had to make a bunch of noise so she wood not hear the smashy bits. Again, this guy describes sex as well as a blind person describes color. Well, L comes to think about how it's good Night doesn't know that he wants to kill her, something Night reacts... poorly to. And what follows is... a confusing, poorly written combat scene to go with the previous non-confusing, poorly written sex scene.

“WHAT THE F-CK!” she shouted throwing the bunchy scruffed-up detectiveman on the floor. She got on a marshal arts dressing gown and got it on and started karating poor L. He used his brazil dancing from the beyond birthday book and fighted her back harder. There were punches and kicks flying everywhere and stuff got smashed. A fire started when l’s fist smashed a science thing full of nuclears but then Night punched him hard on the man thing and he cryed and the crys put out the fire. The fighting all intents and the cloths fell of and then they got all turned on and started sexing again. Ehm... yeah, it's still not as brain-smoothiefying as the mess of an action scene in the last chapter, but that's not saying all that much. Still, one has to admire L, hatesex with the person who just tried to beat you up is one thing, but just after a straight-wristed Groin Attack? Now that's... I was considering to pothole to Wall Banger, but if I started doing that, I probably wouldn't be able to stop.

So, Dark comes busting in, wielding three swords at once. L's reaction: “NO! DONT KILL HER BECOS I LOVE HER NOW!” Ok... what? Wasn't this guy hard and strong in love with Light just now? Well, I guess good romance is hard to write, but any story romance should make some semblance of sense. Honestly, this is, without a doubt, the cheapest way to create drama and pad the story out further I have EVER seen, and yes, that includes Draco's suicide in My Immortal, or all of My Immortal, for that matter, but I'm getting off topic again.

Dark and L fight, and apparently things are very scary. Described thusly: Like if youve ever jumped in front of a bus and the bus was being driven by satan and there was a dead frog on the front and fire instead of a windscreen - thats how scary it was. When it comes to fear, it's fairly simple, show it, don't tell it. Honestly, it's a pretty funny description, but I'm not getting any vibes of fear here. It's Narm if anything. The next bout of insanity... well... yeah.

Then dark screamed and spat out the sword in his mouth and it went thru l with a splat and then it hit night to like a kebab and they both fell screaming. They hit the gorund a thousand foots down and died together which was sort of sweet. Then l remembered he was a ghost and couldn’t die. (AN: i forgot soz! Still its fixed now lol!”) Ok, I had actually forgotten that L was a ghost too, if anything, I guess it was because a ghost having sex, sword-fighting and GroinAttack'd seems more than a little odd. Granted, two of the three, I can imagine, but the third? I just can't see it. We are closing in to "the stupidest moment witnessed in writing EVVAR," ladies and gentlemen, we're not quite there yet, but I'm convinced we'll get there soon enough. I mean, at this point, it's very obvious that this guy does not read through his writing before actually posting it.

Turns out L isn't really all that bothered by Night's recent murder, and agrees to help Dark. Apparently, he doesn't know that it actually was Dark that murdered him, either that or the author forgot, or changed his mind, or didn't care. This might turn out to be a plot point, or it might never be mentioned ever again. Truth is, we may never know. I could muse more about this, but the following sentence is too great to pass. “i’ll do anything!” L gushed like he loved Dark which maybe he did a little but not really cos Darks not gay!!!! SERIOUSLY Looks like the author's getting desperate to get his point across, his points being how awesomely handsome, irresistable and 100% heterosexual his favorite brain child is. Not a Marty Stu at all, no sir-e.

Well, in a nutshell, Dark's plan is to usurp Sayu as queen of the shinigami, and he's going to "KILL SOME DUDES" Because of this, L thinks Dark has lost his mind. The joke is too obvious, but still, you can't loose what you never had in the first place, right? The author's notes finish off with the following: CLIFFHANGER ALERT! I WONT KILL SAYU COS I LIKE WRITTING HER BUT THERE WILL BE SOME VIOLENT NEXT TIMES! Well, whaddya know, again defusing any sort of tension or excitement there might be. Isn't it great?

Oh well, tune in next time as... Sayu doesn't die, I guess, and probably fight and/or sex scenes that makes no sense unless you happen to be the writer. Yay.
10th Dec '10 7:41:50 AM flag for mods
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