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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Insane Action and Blasphemous Badassery
This chapter is called "The haunting of Dark Yagami?" I'm a bit puzzled by the question mark there, but I'm certain this fic will puzzle me more by the time I'm through. Well, the authors notes seem to be less and less snark-worthy as time passes. The author does give us this little tidbit of English Teacher-murdering fun, though. But now i has summer vacashn adn its righting time! He's starting to sound more than a little like your garden-variety lolcat to me, but hey, lolcats can still write coherently... right?

We begin our story in the land of the dead. Yeah, No Afterlife-Death Note has a land of the dead. Well, here, L finds the "Talk To Not Dead Dudes Note." I can't help but chuckle. I mean, you could call it "Talk To The Living Note" or even "Talk to living dudes note," but no, there's something oddly entertaining about people taking the least effective route possible.

Well, L decides that it's time to get serious. He takes the magic train to the middle of heaven which was one of thos japanish trains that goes very fast and it only took a second because it was powered by nuclears and magic. and then... well, he confronts god. “I’M L AND I’M F-CKED UP WITH BEIN DEAD! MAKE ME HELFY AGEN OR I WILL SHOT YOU IN THE NOSE” he shouted at god who got all scared. You know, this isn't very L-esque at all, but that still doesn't change that he is completely and utterly Bad Ass in this situation. I mean... when you threaten God, and actually get the desired response, that's saying something.

Anyway, God agrees to resurrect L on the condition that “YOU WILL USE YOUR POWERS TO KIL....................................... LIGHT AYANAMI!” Wait... wait, Light Ayanami? Ok, that's just creepy, and yet another sign that the author might be pulling a fast one on me here. Well, if you haven't got the mental image of Light piloting a Humongous Mecha / Eldritch Abomination, or him hugging people and making them go pop, you clearly are not quite as nerdy as me cool

Well, to get back on track, L doesn't want to kill Light, so what does he do? He pulls a knife and threatens God with it. You know what, that's crazy. Crazy Awesome. Sure, it doesn't make much sense, but at this point, who cares? God helpfully points out that Light wants to take over the world. He really shouldn't worry about that, because Light has pretty much been reduced to L's boytoy while Dark runs around, alternating between tapping all available ass and taking over the world (OF COURSE!) So, why The Almighty Father is more concerned with Light? Honestly, I have no idea.

Oh, but the hits just keep comming, because L agrees, but says that he can't tell God his real name because in case it gets death noted again and this time for real. So just in case God tells someone about it, he can't divulge his real name? Great gravy, a deity of that magnitude shouldn't have any problem finding about stuff like this anyway. So much for all-knowing, I guess. Well, God then tells L that he'll have to settle being resurrected with Convenient Plot-Furthering Note #32, the Ghost Note. And as it is written, L turns into a ghost. His reaction? “HA AH HA I LIED! I WON’T KIL LIGHT ILL KILL HIS BRO.............................. DARK!” “F——————————————————————————————————————————-CK!” roared god as dark ran away. He was god so he didnt swear except now he did. Oh boy, again with the overuse of the ellipsis and... is that supposed to be censoring? I'm not sure, but I guess that's what it's supposed to be.

Well, L runs away from God, which I guess is possible? Well, never mind that, back in the world of the living, Dark is in distress. He calls out for Blud Blud stopped swimming in the pool on the yot which was full of blood because he swam in it a lot and liked blood which is where he got the name and also because it sounds cool. Blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. Well, the two discuss the nature about ghosts. Despite Dark's fears, it seems to be the consensus that ghosts does not "exits," as it were. Dark's response: “I see I hop your right. I don’t want to find a bunch of ghosts cuming all over the deck.” Innuendo joke... on the rise... wait, did it again... gah.

Well, it just so happens that at that moment, Ghost!L appears. “im a ghost” L said ghostly and waved his arms to be scary. He was covered in ghost magicks and ecytoplasum and a mess on the deck where he had came. And we yet again add another bullet point to the "list of things rendered massively unimpressive or unscary by the Dark Yagami saga." Well, Dark isn't having any of this... ghost thing, I guess. He jumped in a jet ski and raced away. L jumped on a ghost banana boat and flowed. Blud was sad because it was not a blood banana but tried to eat it anyway. A ghost banana boat? Ehm... no, sorry, I've got nothing, this is just a smidge too silly. Luckily, the scene that follows is... actually just as silly, if not more.

The author seems to be aware of the expression Jump the Shark. They did a bunch of jumps over a wall and a cruise boat but missed some sharks and didnt jump them (ITS AN INTERNET THINGY) Sadly, he seems to be unable to realize that his fic started jumping the shark in the very first sentence, but hey. Well, the rest of the chase is, to put it bluntly, one hundred percent bumfuck insane. The short rundown: They encounter pirates, who are modern pirates, except they act like classical swashbuckling pirates, and apparently have wooden ships and a booty consisting mostly of gold, after some 'splosions, Dark escapes to that city place in erope with the boats and the rivers and the stuff i don’t know what its called. I assume he's talking about Venice, they drive around, cause explosions, other collateral damage and a dead person, except not (maybe?) before: Then the boats ran out of gas and started to sink! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY!

Buh... highway? Sink? Highway? Sinking in the middle of the highway? On what insane plane of insanity does this make any semblance of sense? Did the author even think twice about this, let alone actually reading through what he's written before submitting it? Well, the two end up discussing why L chases Dark. Turns out, L is a bit pissed that Dark killed him. Dark, however, blames it all on Night. “THEN WE KILL HER!” “I AGREE” said blud eating the blood banana boat. Wait, wasn't it just described as not being a blood banana boat? I just don't know any more.

In his closing notes, the author states that he never liked the character Night anyway, and for that reason, she's going down in the next chapter. Well, what do you know, the author and me agrees on something at last. Still doesn't change the base fact though, that if the author wrote down and contemplated just what all the story elements he threw in there actually would mean for the story, he'd have avoided his most silly mishaps.

Well, tune in next time folks, where Night gets her swansong, or her off-key quacking, considering she's fallen from the Author's Grace. Unless, of course, the author changes his mind, again.
10th Dec '10 7:36:11 AM flag for mods
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