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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
In which Night does drag like a champ
Well, don't know about you guys, but once I'm done with this, I'm not touching it with an eleven-foot pole covered in angry badgers tongue

Yagami, now. This chapter is called «L Dies! but thats a twist!» ehm... is the fact that L dies a twist? If so, it'd be a foolishly foolish thing (done by a foolish fool) to reveal it in the title. This is why I'm wondering if indeed the author meant that there is a twist to the whole L dying thing, but we'll see, now won't we? The author informs me that this chapter is short, and much rejoicing is had.

So, this chapter starts with a phone call to L. He may allready have won a trip to Florida. L, the genius detective reply to this? «How did you get my number?» for example? Hahaha...no, of course not. “OMG THAT IS SOOOOO SWEET!” L bellowed “I WILL TAKE WATARI WHO IS LIKE MY DAD ONLY HES NOT ALSO LIGHT WHO AM F-CKING!” We're at the point where I'm considering to start using alternative character names, mostly since this is about as much L as I am Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Anyway, L does not even react when he's asked for his real name. And the name he gives, Lind L Taylor, I must remind you, is not a name he actually took and used for himself, if you forgive the degree of nerdyness I'm currently displaying. At this point, though, L states the following: ... hey wait a minute! This is atrick! Im not telling you my reel name cos you will Death Note me and stuff!

So... L goes from complete utter idiot to clarvoyant wunderkind in a sentence. That's... well, getting slightly closer to the original characterization, at least? Well, indeed, it was Darks genious plan. We get to know this because we immediately cut to Dark lamenting how said genious plan didn't work. Night, however, wants to give it a go. How does she do this, you might ask? She takes a train to wherever L is at the moment, gets naked, knocks on his door and goes like so: “I will sex with you if you tell me your real name.” Damn, this Night character really is a nice and interesting character, I'm glad we get to know her. Anyway, L's response “Sorry but im gay” and slammed the door in her face. Again, why doesn't L at any point start noticing there's an awful lot of morons trying to figure his true name? Because it's the adventures of Dark Yagami, of course.

Well, Night is not one to be discouraged by such petty setbacks, though. So... Night cut her hair and took off her lipstick and got a tattoo that said “IM A DUDE” “Hello you sexy man” said L and let her in cos she was naked and looked like a guy. Ok, seriously, is this for laffs? L isn't just stupid, he apparently can't see all that well. I mean... sure, a girl can get wicked convincing in drag, anyone who's seen Boys Don't Cry can back me up on that, but naked, without any further preparation? Now that's a stretch. Of course, as I'm finishing this little mini-rant, I'm realizing that Night's skin might be some sort of everything note and tatooing «IM A DUDE» actually make it so... or, I would believe that, if anything like this had been mentioned or even be hinted at at any point. Heck, «looked like a guy» makes her sound like the best goddamn F-M crossdresser in the world. Oh, and once inside, she finds the Life Note and... stuffs it in her bra. Again, the author seems to be unable to understand the basic concept of the word «naked,» also, I realize some sort of binding is neccesary, but is a bra REALLY a good choice for trying to look like a dude?

They gay sexed for ages and ages then L told her his real name only it wasn’t cos he was smart and gived her a fake so she couldn’t kill him which is why he’s like the smartest dude in America. And L is again showing some semblance of his canon self, with the fake name, of course. Then again, there was a lot of Ho Yay... nevermind. As for her disguise holding up to such scrutiny... well, I'm just writing this off as Night being the Uke and leaving it at that. After Night fails to get L's true name, it's Near's turn. Again, the author seems to forget that Near was Killed Off for Real about a chapter ago. Doesn't really mean all that much, though, since L's true successor and the bane of Kira once again gets written off as a completely ineffectual overgrown child. Don't get me wrong, I don't really like Near all that much, but honestly, he gets his share of crap in this fic. Which reminds me, where did Light go in the middle of all this madness. Nevermind, let's just get on with it.

Dark is understandably pretty pissed about all of his genius plots failing. “F-CK!” he screamed so loud that a church blew up. “NOW HOW CAN I KILL THE DUDE?!” Are we sure Dark isn't the Antichrist? Or just plain Satan, I mean, screaming at such a volume that consecrated buildings blow up is not something one just does. Well, Dark comes up with a plan, because he is THE SECOND SMARTEST DUDE IN AMERICA! Rant, chapter one, you know what to do. Also, isn't it pretty much stated that Light is smarter than L? Well, nevermind that. So he planed all night and even stoped sexing with rock stars like hanna montanah so he could do more planing. I... just don't have any words. No matter how I twist and turn it, I can't snark any more on this, there's... just no more snark left. Granted, Ms. Steward just turned eighteen, but you know what, I'm not going to speculate on when this was written, Dark has allready a list of sins so long I could motion to have him replace Lucifer in the Ninth Circle of Hell. Honestly, this guy makes Light look like a genuinely nice guy, that's an achievement.

Well, it turns out Dark's plan just might work. He plans to get the Life note away from L and then just Royal Death Note him to death. A reasonable plan he could have done even before there was a Life Note, but hey, let's just forget that. Night reveals that she allready stole L's Life Note, which makes Dark a little peeved, of course. Realize, no one steals the Marty Stu's thunder, not even his Mary Sue Distaff Counterpart clone.

Well, L gets killed and his ghost mourns over the fact. Ghosts? In my Death Note? It's more likely than you think, apparently. Everyone was sad except for the dudes that hated L which was lamost everyone so i should have said noone was sad which was true and there were big parties on the streets. Without L Dark and light and misa and also yotsuba and night and that x-kira dude no ones heard of were able to go all Kira and kill loads of evil dudes. Wait... Yotsuba? When was he sympathetic to the Kira crew? Never mind that. It's over now, right? The Marty Stu wunderkind has finally extinguished this story's sad excuse for an antagoinst, and we can all go home. Right?

Hehehe... of course not. We cut to some undetermined time after L's death. This is probably a good thing, since no ammount of Timey-Wimey Ball can help make this fic's mangled timeline make sense. Dark is on his «yot,» I'm assuming it's supposed to be yatch, when he finds the Talk to Dead Dudes Note and it worked a bit like msn or something. Ok, I hate to say it, but this idea is rather entertaining. Sure, it shoves the previously mentioned white-hot poker farther up the Death Note mythos' ass, but the idea could actually be used for some decent lulz, again if it was given to any author worth his salt. What follows is a short conversation in rather standard netspeak between Dark and the «mysteriosu» dead person whom he is currently chatting with. Surprise, surprise, it's L, and he's going to haunt Dark's ass.

WOT A F-CKIN TWIST! SAY TURNED FOR MY NEXT CHAPER “THE HAUNTING OF DRAK YAGAMI!” IT WILL BE SWWWEEEEET!” L IS GONNA BE A GHOST AND HES GONNA BE HAUNTING SHIT ITLL BE SO SWEET SO READ IT BUT NOT YET COS IT DOESNT EXIST YET EXCEPT IF IT DOES LOL! Ok, dude, M. Night Shyamalan called, he wants his most infamous gimmick back. Seriously though, these twists aren't... well, I can't call them predictable, considering this mess of a story is more than a little rusty around the joints, and... well, everywhere else. For that reason, though, they're not very good either. Oh, and that could just be me, as a writer whose M.O includes a deep hatred for every line he writes, but authors who hype their own trainwrecks like it's the next 12 Angry Men, or even the next Fight Club, for that matter, kind of annoys me. As an additional note, I find it hard to really get mean to a fic when I'm listening to Christmas music. Maybe I should switch to Slayer or something.
10th Dec '10 7:29:44 AM flag for mods
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