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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Yet another Note
I've run out of clever Yagamitime puns. Somewhat depressing considering whe still have quite a way to go. Well. This chapter is titeled «unlucky number,» doubtlessly because this is chapter #13, not because it has anything to do with the story. Then again, it could happen that, by some insane coincidence, it actually has any relevance to the story, but I doubt it. The author doesn't really say anything particularily riff-worthy, except that he wishes more reviews. Again, I highly doubt that he does, but since the comment section on Fan Fiction.net seems to be convinced this guy is a genius troll, and he seems unable to grasp the concept of a Troll Fic, 's no wonder he's content with his reviews.

Well, on with the story. Do you remember how I said Mello was a clone, and I thought that was a stupid twist? Well, not to worry, because it isn't a clone. It's the real Mello. yay And how did he manage to survive being shot way too many times by the resident Marty Stu? He made a deal with Blud, of course. Blud is, for some reason as of yet unexplained, still alive and now drawing some sort of samurai sword to use against Dark... wait, what?

A fight scene ensues, hooh boy, a fight scene indeed. I'm breaking this up into fragments, lest I go completely batshit bonkers trying to cover everything that's wrong with this scene. He swung his sword real fast at Dark and dodged it faster so they were fighting to fast to see. Ehm, ok, when did Dark get super-speed? Except being exactly as powerful as the plot requires him to be, that is. Occasionally a bomb or a spark went off and made it more exciting and one time Dark did a kamy hamy ha. Ok, the super speed doesn't seem all that bad any more, can we go back to the super speed and away from the Kamehame-has please? They stopped for a bit flying in the air as bits of rock and science floated around then. Rock and SCIENCE! Yeah, I'm not even touching what that's supposed to mean. “YOU WERE A WORTHY APPRENTICE MY YOUNG GRASSHOOPER” he said wiping blood of his mouth. “BUT NOW YOU WILL DIET!” Yeees, you will be put on the atkins diet untill you DIE! Mehehehe. Yeah, still not the worst spelling error I've seen, I know, the degree of horrible, horrible things I've seen is starting to frighten me too. He put the sword away and got out a big mace. He sprayed the mace but missed. Mace (Medival weapon) =/= Mace (Pepper Spray). Honestly if you're going to do big dumb action fight scenes, you could at least make sure you do it properly. Then he got out seventeen crossbows stuck together with blood and duck tape. He fired and arrows went everywear. And one of hem hit............................................ Mello. Blood instead of glue? I'm fairly certain that wouldn't work at all. Besides, if you have duck tape, what more do you need? Anyway, again with the aggressive overuse of periods. Why does this keep cropping up in crappy fanfics? It's easily one of the worst ways to try creating tension I know about, maybe except for outright writing that everything is very exciting.

So, it turns out Blud worked for Dark all along, despite being dead. Can I just write off the entire shinigami king-debacle as Dis Continuity, or isn't there enough actual continuity in this fic for that? Well, Mello does not let this fact stop him as he retrieves a bazooka out of his pants. He pulls a bazooka... out of his pants. There is room in his pants... for a bazooka. Right, well, just going with it seems just fine, yeah. Dark then punches the bazooka out of Mello's hands, causing the thing to fly into the sky. The following exchange must be read to be believed. “WHY DID YOU KILL ME YOU CN———T?” He said with a naughty word which I cant say cos its T not M. “Cos Im evil.” And then it all made sense. Haha, finally, it make sense, everything makes sense, this fic is no longer an incoherent mess of poorly planned Marty Stu wankery. You can not hear it, dear readers, but I assure you Handels' Hallelujah choir is blasting at full volume over here. For those in doubt. Seriously, what in the name of the Flying Nightgaunt Flower Delivery Service is the author getting at here? Is everything finally making sense to Mello? Or to Dark? To the author? To me? The last one I know to be untrue, but the rest? It could start making sense to Santa Claus for all I know.

Dark got out a knife from his arm like the assassens creed dude and stabbed Near near (ITS A JOKE!) the heart. Gah, you know what, I have no more snarky riffs about this guy's complete lack of comedic talents, there just isn't any left. The constant Near jokes would be bad enough on their own, but the author's tendency to try to hammer the fact that it, indeed, is a joke is starting to become somewhat of a Berserk Button of mine. Well, moving on while we still have our minds, Near dies. Dark apparently needed Near for a sacrifice. Sacrifice to who? Or what? I guess we'll get some sort of explanation... or maybe we won't. It probably won't make sense either way, so let's not make a big fuzz about it.

Naomi and Night goes off to «sex,» as it were, and apparently the author has the memory capabilities of a certain {{Memento Mr. Leonard}}, because Mello, who recently was in the middle of a brawl with Dark, and L, who hasn't been mentioned since last chapter, but has been stated to have been there, is promptly forgotten. They find a bed, the bed apparently belonging to a character from another of the authors fics. Pointless cameos for the win I guess? So, not to make this whole mess any creepier, Night and Dark takes turns having sex with Naomi... I think? The sentence in question is Dark and Night took it turns cos they were bros and it would be creepy otherways. They sexed all thru the dark night (GET IT?) I'm praying that my interpretation is the correct one, because frankly, it's the least disturbing of the alternatives I could find. Oh, and yet another GET IT. I should have started a drinking game of some kind, that's make this so much easier to get through.

So, the morning after, Dark asks what Blud wants as a thank for helping him with the whole insane Xanatos' butterfly hurricane machine-thing. Blud wants Dark to set him up with Mrs. Yagami, to which Dark replies by punching him. Methinks he'd rather not share No, bad Liveblogger, if you stop talking about it, it might go away on itself. Instead, he agrees on giving Blud all the blood banans  * in the world. A quick plane trip to russia later, the whole matter is resolved, again without indication about where Dark actually gets his money from. Yay.

So, Dark gets ready to do the abovementioned sacrifice. They retrive Near from his cell, despite him being dead not half a page lenght of fic ago. Honestly, the author doesn't seem to give a crap if any of this makes any sense, so why should I? Except from the fact that it's funnier when someone plays Straight Man to all of this madness, of course. Well, the purpose of all of this? To create an Anti Life Note. Gah, I hate stealing jokes  *, but what the Ry'leh, the chance is too good to pass up. ANTI LIFE JUSTIFIES MY HATE! Ehm, well, yes, as I was about to say, yet another note to clutter up the story. Luckily, this note seems to do what Death Notes were supposed to do in the first place, which is to say kill someone without chance of reanimation of other sillyness. Yay. Despite Near being a central ingredient in this «sacrifice,» he's still alive, untill the crew decide to test the anti-life note, of course, at which point, as the author puts it: HE WAS DEAD FOREVER? O_o; SHOCKING!

So, to wrap it up, Dark tries to use the anti life note to kill L, but realizes that he doesn't know L's real name, and “I Will have to go on a QUEST to find his real name!” So, after all this madness, after Dark has had... what, five-six good chances to kill L and kill him good, he's finally getting to it? Are we nearing some sort of end? Some sort of end that doesn't include me going insane in a mall with a cheese grater and squirt guns full of vinegar? Heh, well, we'll see, now won't we?
10th Dec '10 7:26:58 AM flag for mods
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