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Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami
slowzombie

[table of contents]
Meet Night
It's that time again people, the time when lesser men run in fear as the stronger ones stand to fight, the time when writers of passable skill feel pain sear them straight to the soul, the time when I liveblog The Yagami saga, yet another chapter. This chapter is called «Lights sis Night Yagami comes.» Great, I'm so looking forwards to meeting this new character. Also, no author notes this time, I'm not certain to which degree that's a good sign or not.

Well, the chapter begins with our... heroes getting off the train in the eternally misspelled town called Whales. Dark lands with a roll, just to be cool, of course. A cop spots the group and... well, shoots at them with a shotgun, but, I quote: the bullets curved like the matrix or something and broke a window and the train and a fire ran after them at like the speed of light so Dark had to grab Near and Noami and jumped fast offa cliff into loch nes. Geography fail notwithstanding, I'm fairly certain British cops do not carry weapons, and definitely not shotguns. And why are they shooting at Dark & Crew? Don't get me wrong, I'm almost considering if I'd do the same, but come on, no «oh, hey, stop» or «you are bound by law» or anything like that, nope, just ready, aim & fire. Oh, and in Loch Ness, they encounter Nessie, whom Dark just plain punches. A fitting description of these few chapters would be Dark taking everything even vaugely European and then destroying it in one way or another.

We then cut to a science-y place underneath the Whammy House, where a lady is introduced like so: she was naked and a whole bunch of pipes and wires and stuff were stuck to her skin. Then she got out and gettted dress. She put on a silver top that said nike on it and genes as well that were ripped. She died her hare and it was pink with green bits and some red and also some b lack where the die missed. Then she mohawked her hair and put on a piercing shaped like a nuclear. I'm willing to bet that this here is Night, and, well, it's not the worst introduction I've heard, it does not make me optimistic. Shaped like a nuclear, by the way, I'm not quite sure you can actually say that, but let's for a moment assume that makes sense, and pass it without any further commentary.

On the roof of the Whammy house... I think, we only hear it's «on the roof.» one assumes it is not on the roof of a moving car, or the Vatican, but you never can tell. Dark apparently has a drill in his pocket. If you excuse the insanely lame joke, I guess that means he wasn't that glad to see us after all. Well, with a drill he could fit in his pocket, he makes a hole large enough to jump into. Inside was like 1000000 stormtroopers that weren’t but wore the suits for safeness. Ehm, a million stormtroopers? Or just 1 mill Mooks dressed like stormtroopers? What is this place? The Mines of Moria? A Tardis? The House in Ash Tree Lane? Well, how does Dark react? With smugness, of course. I wish I could kill you to death, Dark Yagami.

Dark pulls a gun and notices that there's exactly 100000 bullets in the clip, which leads him to assume he'll be ok as long as he doesn't miss. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that mean he'd have to kill ten Mooks per bullet. Maybe it's a rocket launcher? Or maybe this goddamn fic makes no goddamn sense.? It's not impossible. Oh, and Dark apparently punches a guy so hard the hundred next guys also die, I guess you can write this off as the author just going full Rule of Cool and forgetting the tattered remains of a story, or that the author has finally gone mad. Well, Near freaks out because he's not used to blood, except for blood banans  *.

The crew find the lab. You know, the lab they know about because... ehm, because... I've got nothing. Because Dark has plotvision, I guess. They encounter a mystical lady who doesn't speak English. Luckily, Near speaks Welsh, which I guess makes as much sense as anything else thus far, and the conversation goes like so: “I am Dark Yagami. You look sexyed. I am Dark Yagami.” “NO WAY!” she explained. “IM YOUR F-CKING SISTER! NIGHT YAAGMI!” They all gasped even tho they new cos i told them last time remember? Yay, and the creepy, incestous vibes comes back, I've missed you, creepy, incestous vibes. Also, reminding people things they probably would know is always fun for the whole family. Turns out Night is cloned from Dark's DNA... somehow?

Well, they sit down and chat, and Night reveals that her skin is made out of Death Note sheets, so she can kill people by getting tatoos. Also, she has shinigami eyes and can hear people's thoughts with her «shinigami ears.» Great. I think I'm going to write her up as a Sue right away. It doesn't help that apparently, one day she will sing the song that ends the world. What's that, ripping of Penny Arcade now? Or just giving your newest sue just a little more oompf? Well, it gets worse before it gets better, because as they get ready to leave, Naomi confesses her eternal and undying love... for Night.

What follows does not fill me with joy and hope for the rest of the fic, rather on the contrary. The gang argue, Night divulged that she's in love with Mello, and the clone-Mello cometh. At least I think he's a clone, seeing as he jumps out of a test tube, ten chapters after being shot. The final sentence bears quoting. It was Mello! And he had a life note! And L was there! And Night was getting a tattoo! And it said.... “Near”! Ok, for a lot of plotlines, I was willing to give the series the benefit of the doubt, but this? Nope. Characters returning from the dead? As clones? Characters just joining the fray without having any introduction to having done so? The previous timeline is now in shreds, and who the hell is tatooing Night? Does she do it herself? Does she always have a tattoo needle with her? Is there really any reason to care? Will I see you next time? Can I stop saying things in question form now? Apparently not?
10th Dec '10 7:24:42 AM flag for mods
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